A Pilgrim Soul

New toys

2011-08-21T00:33:00.000+12:00

Tax money = new iMac.

I am in love.

See:

Just blogging from the couch.

That's all I'm up to.

Sleep I cannot

2011-07-01T01:30:00.001+12:00

Can't sleep one bit at the moment. Except, of course, in the morning when I have to get up for work. Having my outfit Partially Planned seems to help get me out of bed but this week even that's been failing.

I have a new iPhone. I love it in a way that frankly is inappropriate. I also have an ongoing passion for bubble games. I blame this entirely on my mother. She has passes her passion on to me.

I have clocked my first bubble game on this phone. Cue sighs of judgement. Yes indeed. My new one is even better in relation to having excellent graphics that are immensely satisfying in a way that I can't articulate. But the sound effects are a complete disappointment. I have to play it with the sound off which is horrifying. I cant overestimate how important sounds are to me. I select my necklaces based oat entirely on their audio qualities. Needless to say I'm disappointed.

Tiny Wings on the other hand. A perfect storm of a game.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

On life being so good

2011-06-08T23:06:00.001+12:00

Life is not always this awesome. I've been through stuff. I've spent nights on the floor crying. I've thought a lot about death. I've been broke as and in debt. I've been alone. Been brokenhearted. Been angry. Thought life would never be good. Hated myself. Been separate from my family and not known how to fix it.

But oh my word. Life is good. Life is made of seasons. I know it won't last forever. But right now I'm just soaking in the bright winter sun and storing up my spare joy for later when I might need it.

New friends who surprise me with being even cooler than I thought.

Old friends who just get better and better.

New stuff.

Really great job.

Amazing city to explore.

Cute apartment to make onto a home.

Family. Sisters who love me and text me and email me and give me advice and keep sharing their lives with me even though I abandoned them.

My cute as a new pin BFF. How cute is a new pin?

Sheesh!!!!!! I'm loving this moment.

Location:Rose St,Ashfield,Australia

Thrifty Saturday at a Pop Up Market

2011-06-01T21:58:00.000+12:00

Saturday afternoon found me on a hideous rail bus (silly track work cancelled my train) travelling to meet Simona at Newtown. We were going to go clothes shopping but got way laid by a pop up market by the train station.

It was one of those awesome scrappy little markets with random stuff everywhere. I totally loved it. I accidently spent $50. Opps.

Finds included:

Stupendously cool leather bag - real vintage treasure of happiness and delight.

Set of three Alfred Meakin dessert bowls. All worn and used and just how I like them.

Shabby but beautiful cake slice. With a mother of pearl handle.

Insanely beautiful handbag for Simona. Just look at those tarnished old buckles.

Crazy cute egg hen. Holds about three eggs at a pinch, but you can't fault it for cuteness value.

Tiny and amazingly wonderful vintage tea pot for one. Cos only one of us drinks tea.

One of my favorite thrifting days ever. Shall we go when you visit Deb Robertson?

An Ode to my Parents

2011-05-29T14:01:00.000+12:00

It's nearly lunch time on a Sunday, and I'm not at church. Nope, I'm actually in a towel in my lounge having just escaped from my bed and into the shower.

I don't go to church. This is not nessesarily a permanent arrangement.

My parents are Christians. They're the good kind. The brave kind. I am a Christian because they are. Yeah, I'm a Christian because that's how I was raised. It's familiar, it's home. It's the way I have always made sense of my life. But I'm also a Christian because my parents are who they are.

They spent too many years in the kind of church that is a trespass against the very nature of God. The kind of church that makes too many rules. That denies grace. That denigrates the value of women, and therefore of all people. They escaped that kind of Christianity when I was in my early teens.

Since then, they have done the opposite of what many people do. Instead of having the boundaries of their life and faith narrow, they have pushed back and expanded. They have said, what part of this faith of mine is true? What part shall I let go? That's courage, my word, that's courage.

They live out their faith in different ways. Mum goes to church every Sunday. Dad stays home. The best part of this is that they accept and support each other in this. Dad doesn't say, why do you bother? Mum doesn't say, you should go to church. They have room inside their faith for more than one way of expressing it. They honour the different expressions of their shared faith.

This helps me to be brave. I know that my particular expression and framework of faith would not be what many Christians would accept. But I have been supported by my parents to find my own way to a faith that engages me, that comforts me, that pushes me past my own boundaries. I embrace a faith that might not always be what they would choose, but I am proud to be their daughter and to honour the heritage they gift to me.

So it's Sunday and I'm not at church. But maybe I am, in my living room, watching things like this:

Kitchens

2011-05-28T13:06:00.000+12:00

My kitchen is one of my favorite places in the house. We hang out there like crazy. I'll be baking or cooking and Simona will be sitting at the kitchen table studying. We have music on, our neighbours smile and wave through the window...it's basically sweetness.

I have started religiously keeping all glass bottles that pass through the house - soaking them and getting those pesky stickers right off them. Plus I've been purchasing the odd cute but impractical glass and hunting out old and tiny bottles.

All this in aid of having somewhere to put the flowers, grasses, feathers, seed pods and various other things that I inevitably come home with every day. So my window sill is a constantly changing parade of flora from our neighbourhood.

Plus, it's amazing how a practical thing that looks so prosaic can become so beautiful when it's denuded of stickers and full of flowers. I like to take things and use them in the opposite way - like using souvenir teaspoons for every day use.

Gorgeous vase on the far right all the way from my Sister's table.

It makes me happy.

bazaar goodness part two

2011-05-24T00:40:00.001+12:00

my goodness that bazaar was a good 'un. I'm still bathing in the warmth of the bazaar happiness. My school desk has been put to work in my room (oh such a shame for me it didn't fit any where else). It is holding the yellow typewriter (until we figure out where it goes) and it now is home to my gorgeous sewing machine. Which means it is set up and ready to go all the time - I predict this will boost my sewing time tremendously. Important next step: invest in some fabric. Sadly, this will need to be postponed while I save up to visit the dentist. I have a tooth that is falling apart. Literally.

Anyway I'm still in denial about that so let's quickly move on.

Scarves - in the left a lovely heavy silk scarf and on the right lightest oroton silk scarf you ever clapped eyes on. It's tremendous.

This is a book of 'English cathedrals' and it includes plans. Well, I tell you what book, I have plans for you. You would love the plans if you saw them. I love plans and I love cathedrals so I'm pretty much hyperventilating in the church car park over this one.

Doilies. I'm so inspired by doilies. I just can't leave them alone. I keep using them - sewing them on things and then making brooches out of them. I have some new plans for them - especially the top one in this photograph. It's so beautiful and stained. It is even more compelling to me because it is damaged.

Ring the bell that still can ring

forget your perfect offering

there is a crack in everything

that's how the light gets in.

-Leonard Cohen

Me and dieting

2011-05-22T23:18:00.000+12:00

Me and dieting. Me and my body. Me and the mirror. Me and portia de Rossi. This blog could have so many titles.

I have been dieting or "not dieting" since I was about 15. That was when I realized that I was not normal. Or that I was fat. Those things are pretty much equated in my mind.

Writing this blog makes me sad. I am sad for all the years I thought I was not good enough. I am sad for all the women who told me (implicitly or explicitly) that being fat meant I was not good enough.

All my life I believed the story that I was told. Every one told me the same story. If you are fat, then nothing about you matters as much as that. No matter how successful you are, or how good, or how smart, or how gifted or tender hearted or generous or loving, none of that is as important as your size. Your size is the most important fact about you. Did I get the story wrong? Maybe. But that's the story I heard. It's not that I thought other things didn't matter, it's just that they didn't matter as much as that.

I am great at dieting. Really, super great. I can loose a heap of weight. I can even help other people loose weight.

Just one catch.

Dieting doesn't work. And I mean that in a very specific way. I mean that dieting does not get me what I want.

What I want, firstly, is to love myself. Secondly, but equally important, I want to feel normal.

Dieting never does either of those things. Even when I lost 30 kilos. Even when I was 'in a healthy weight range'. Even when everyone I met commented on how good I looked (comparatively, of course). Even then, I did not love my body, and I did not feel normal.

So even then, dieting didn't work.

The only thing that has actually worked for me is not 'not dieting'. It's giving up dieting. When I said, at the start of the year, I will not diet this year. Not for one day. Not for one minute. I will not use any part of this year to diet.

That day, and every day after that, I felt normal. And almost every day after that I have loved my body.

This is why. Because I have disciplined myself to look in the mirror and ask a different question.

Since I was about 15, I have looked in the mirror pretty much every day. And each time I have asked one question. Do I look fat? Or maybe do I look thin?

That is the only question I have asked the mirror.

So I have been learning to ask different questions. To look in the mirror and ask, do I look good? Is my make up good? Do I like these earrings? Does this colour suit me? Do I like this dress with this cardi? Do I like these tights?

This is also why. I have disciplined myself to look at other women and ask a different question.

Since I was about 15 I have looked at other women and asked one question. Is she thinner than me? Or maybe is she fatter than me?

So I have been learning to ask different questions. Do I like her clothes? Do I like her hair? Is her make up nice? What is she doing? Is she happy? Would I wear that? Should she?

Doing these two things has changed me. I reject the lie that my weight is the most important fact about me. I reject the lie that being thin is the only way to be beautiful. I reject the lie that other women are more beautiful than me just because they are thinner than me. I reject the lie that dieting gets me what I want. I reject the lie that I cannot love myself even though I am not thin.

This is not everyone's story. This is just my story.

the bazaar

2011-05-21T20:14:00.002+12:00

oh yes, i went to a bazaar. no, not in turkey or some great place like that, but in lovely little ashfield. for those of you not of the sydney persuasion, ashfield is in the inner west. it's about 20 min from the cbd on the train, so it's pretty handy. about one third of the people who live in ashfield were not born in australia. and from my observations, i'd say they were mostly born in china. i say this because ashfield is home to about 1,000 chinese restaurants. and, if you know me well, you'll know this makes me happy.

so ashfield is not what you'd call a 'cool' suburb. it's no annandale. nope. it's no newton. it's right on the edge of the more western suburbs, if you catch my drift. which means, basically, that we can afford to live in a gorgeous art deco building on a really cute street with two bedrooms AND a study and a kitchen that's actually quite a decent size.

so ashfield doesn't have much street cred. but oh my word, i do so love it. i love living in close quarters to other people. for some reason, it works. the thing i never in a million years expected to find in sydney is quietness. my street is so quiet. no traffic sounds, no loud music, no noise really of any kind. except birthday parties. and i hear people walking down the street. and birds, my word they are noisy. so i live in the midst of a great big city but have found more quiet and peace than i've ever experienced. I walk home down the middle of my street. okay, this is because it's light there and so i can avoid cockroaches, but still.

i love how you get to peak into peoples lives all the time - i see people making dinner through the window, dads rocking their babies on the veranda, shoes lined up outside the doors, glimpses of parties, i see in the door when church is on at all the bowed heads.

i chat to my neighbours about the washing and the weather. we smile. after the earthquake they stopped me to ask if things were okay at home (how did they know i was from christchurch?).

there's a lady on the corner who waits for her husband holding her cute little baby. we smile and wave and her baby stares at me.

i pick flowers when i walk the streets. ashfield is full of art deco buildings and federation homes (think bay villa). full to the brim of beautiful architecture and old streets with tall leafy trees. i honestly don't know why it doesn't have the street cred, but i so hope it continues.

anyway, goodness me, the bazaar. there is an op shop i love but it only opens on thursdays. they practically give things away. today they had a bazaar. this is all run by the local baptist church, so far as i can tell. there was devonshire tea. i had the best scone in the world with jam and real cream. it was delicious but made me slightly depressed about my own scone efforts.

i also bought some really great bargins. some things didn't make the photo list. a cute little jug. an amazing early 1900s plate. a beautiful basket. two vintage scarves. All for the princely sum of $12.

And then there's the things that did make the photograph list.

only a bright yellow typewriter. the yellowest type writer in the land. in perfect condition. and i mean perfect.

and then just an old school desk to sit it on. it's so freaking beautiful.

look at it. oh my word.

and what, you ask, did these things cost me? $6. yes, for both.

so this is why i love ashfield. because it really is just so beautiful, but it really has no idea what it's worth. and i am taking full advantage.

finders keepers AND a bazaar

2011-05-21T18:17:00.001+12:00

in one weekend! oh the humanity! my wallet is aching from the strain.

first, we went to finders keepers last night. it was utter insanity. in a really cool part of town near the uni - we walked down from redfern station through streets lined with terraces and big trees. i totally love it. it was beautiful and mild with a big moon and lots of people about. the venue was the Carriage Works which i'm guess is just about as self explanatory as you can get. they have restored it so well with lots of original machinery about the place.

it was jam packed with people. it was insanely over stimulating. the stalls were amazing with just the most beautiful things you can think of. but there were too many people and we had to take a break half way through and go and find dinner.

i could have bought something at every stall but we had a budget so i didn't. i love what i did get though.

this amazing art work

outrageously gorgeous hand made dress

stunning brooch. honestly. i'm stunned.

I'll do another post tomorrow about the bazaar because i think those photos just need their own post. in other news - i'm doing great right now. love my job so much. really enjoying it at the moment. i get to do such a wide range of things and i really enjoy almost every part of it.

right. me and The Sumo are going to go for a walk as it is our favorite time of day - just before dusk. the light in ashfield is golden and it is just the right time to wander the streets and gaze at the beautiful homes. the other night when we did this we went past an old commercial building that was all closed up. but inside someone was playing piano. they were amazing. we just stood there and looked at each other. it was a moment.

i've also posted over here.

Things I am collecting

2011-05-17T23:45:00.001+12:00

Here, in my new home, I have had to start a new collection. What do I collect? Well, birds. But also I collect, well, things. Seed pods. Sticks. Bits of metal lid. Chunks of wood.

Flowers

Feathers and leaves

receptacles for the above.

A new venture...or two

2011-05-15T12:17:00.000+12:00

So I've been venturing bravely into the new world of embroidery. I've been doing some hand stitching lately - I made a couple of little brooches - and now I've just finished my first embroidery. I absolutely love hand stitching. I think I might like it even more than knitting. I am actually sad when things are finished because I enjoy it so much.

So this is my first attempt.

I'm really quite happy ridiculously happy with it. It was a joint effort with the Sumo, who drew the bird on the fabric for me - we found him on google images.

I'm so keen to do some more.

The ravens are one of my favorite Australian birds. They are ENORMOUS. And they make a sound like a crying baby. And they perch on the highest of places. I just love them.

Anyway, I think the next one we are going to do is 'a charm of goldfinches'. I'm off to the craft store today to get some more supplies. But first, washing, groceries and a bit of a tidy up. Of my hair. It's a disaster after a slightly riotous night in town last night.

And a voice says 'this is london'...

2011-05-11T23:42:00.000+12:00

I finished up late, about seven or eight

Packed up my desk and went down to the street

I took a long look at the place that I loved

And then I hopped on a plane

And I just sailed away

Oh London Street in Lyttelton

You looked so sturdy

In the crook of the hills

Tucked down by the sea

I never knew you were temporary

Some glimpses of my life

2011-05-10T23:25:00.004+12:00

Hello my blog friends. I have been blog silent. For two months. I've had the laziest and most expensive mobile internet in the world. I have not enjoyed it. But last night, the miracle of wireless broadband entered our home, our nest. It's fast. It's reliable. It is relatively cheap. And it means that finally I can share the bits and pieces of my life that I have been wanting to show.

Like the little geckos that hide away in the cracks and caverns of paths and fences.

Like the little girl who came home from Deb's place in my luggage.

Like the toadstools/mushrooms that pop up everywhere - transient ephemera of the dark soil.

Like the owl money box from Sussan's who lives on my ever growing stack of magazines (I'm addicted)

And the souvenir teaspoons that we use every day - the Cathedral one always makes us sad.

And there's more - oh so much more....

Thrifting Finds/Look What I Made!!!!

2011-02-17T22:14:00.001+13:00

Many exclamation marks.

So I just moved to Sydney, as you might be aware. I love this city like a crazy person. I can't explain it. It just feels like home to me right away, it's awesome. It's full of people, fashion, food, shops, trees, birds, new things to see and absorb and it's warm. So warm. Sometimes too warm.

However, I cannot for the life of me convince someone to give me a job. Nope. For example, today I got a call this morning to say that (a) the job I was shortlisted for was gone because they got someone from inside the company and (b) I was shortlisted for another job that sounded (to me) way to awesome to get. I totally knew I could do it, but I didn't think they would believe me. Plus it paid $46 an hour. Do the maths, that's awesome in double digits.

So anyway, to my utter surprise I get a call to say they are really keen on me and they want to meet me. I am over the moon happy. It's good money, it's not so far away, its in an area I'd really like to get into and the job sounds challenging but I'd be up to it. They're interviewing three people, including me. Come meet them tomorrow.

So happy! Finally! But. Then my agent calls me, she's gutted, they filled the position internally.

So, again, I am stoked and then disappointed. And that's just one day. I have been here for five weeks. You can do that maths too.

So things could be better, I'm not going to lie. But then, on the bright side, my agent said that I'm on the top of her list. She is keen to get rid of me. And she thought I could do the job. And so did they, they considered me enough to meet me. That's a great sign. I might be worth $46 an hour. I might tomorrow get another call, about a different job. Maybe this one will be on my train line. So I cling to hope today.

In other ways, today was awesome anyway.

1. I did the dishes before lunch time.
2. I got dressed.
3. I got out of bed.
4. I didn't cry.
5. I went to an awesome op shop that is just around the corner. Literally. And its open only Thursdays 9-3. And it is so cheap, it's ridiculous.
6. They are having a sale on Saturday (open two days a week!)
7. I bought excellent stuff
8. I used my sewing machine and made Simona a pressie and it worked perfectly.
9. I did four loads of washing.
10. I made macaroni cheese and loin chops for dinner. And a tomato.
11. I made lemon crush on my own without a recipe and it is awesome.
12. It's hot and I'm in my undies again.
13. There is a birthday party somewhere near my house and they sung and it made me happy.

That's enough?

Okay so today:

Doilies

Doilies - over a hundred years old and hand made

Sweet mug (now we have two!)

old hymn book, thanks Ira D Sankey.

Awesome thrifting finds! You can see more here...

And I made a garland for Simona out of the old hymn book pages and an old frankie picture I cut up. I adore it. I'm so proud of it! It made me feel so good to do something creative.

Thank God for my sewing machine.

Sewing Machine = Happiness

2011-02-12T21:28:00.001+13:00

Yes, I own a sewing machine. And I bought it on Ebay. And I travelled for three hours to get it. Thats walk : bus : train : walk. And then repeat in reverse.

I paid the princely sum of $52.

And I get it home and lo and behold, it is magnificent.

Look.

It is in gloriously good condition, although I think I may have slightly wonkified it so I better get it serviced. It has the original manual. Yes it does. This amazing teal blue tin filled with bits and pieces and envelopes and needles etc.

Oh I do love it so.

Anyway, I have had a lovely afternoon desecrating this ridiculous vampire book "the Historian" and turning the pages into Valentines Day decorations. Simona cut out the little people and they are so cute. Then I sewed them into a garland and hung them up.

I adore them.

Oh here they are:

So we are in our study, the rain is pouring down outside, birds singing (invisible), decorations hanging up and Simona is studying in the recliner we got for $40 at the Sallys.

And JO is coming to visit me next weekend. Hopefully bringing gifts of love from all Rabbits friends and relations ha ha.

Here's Simona, ain't she so cute?

She is a happy little chicken studying disgusting things at Med School.

Now, cushions are next on the menu.

My Place and Yours - Stripes

2011-02-08T19:20:00.000+13:00

Yes, time to play again already.

Bad day today.

So many stripes, in unexpected places.

See more here.

My Place (And Yours)

2011-02-01T12:21:00.000+13:00

Hello! Well, my place and yours is back thanks to Hello Owl. I have become a daily fan of Danielle since I did some MPAY last year. Her baby Violet is maybe the cutest baby ever. Except for my niecphews and also except for this ridiculously cute baby I saw on the bus the other day that smiled so much I nearly burst with happiness. Honestly. When this baby smiled, her eyes were like little half moons because her smile took up so much room.

She made the whole bus feel warm*.

Anyway, so my place has moved to Sydney now. That's right, my house is this cute little art deco apartment in a beautiful brick building. So basically, if there's an earthquake here, I'll be the first to go.

Me and the Sumo are setting it up JUST AS WE WANT and that means a WHOLE lot of op shopping, which is basically my favorite thing ever. Found the best shop yesterday - the Bower. Oh. My. Word.

We got one three seater art deco styles couch, one fantastic 1970's dresser with beside table, one kitchen table and a multitude of glasses, two cute plates and a tea cup AND delivery for $207. Oh and a brush and shovel. Can't wait to show photos.

Anyway, for goodness sake, enough talk.

This weeks MPAY is the second drawer in the kitchen.

Here is mine...

Oh so tidy. We have a rule now that we only buy things we actually need. So this is still missing say a grater and some peelers and our zester that hasn't arrived with our stuff yet, but it's pretty good. All second hand except for the gorgeous knife from Ikea. I am in love with this knife. Oh and I think the can opener is from Ikea too. Because, who would give a good can opener to a second hand shop? They are so hard to find. So I don't trust the op shop versions.

Oh and the drawer liner is from Ikea too - only $3 for a roll of this stuff and its so awesome.

Okay, last picture just because I love it.

This was taken at the back packers. Seed pod from garden near naval base, sand from bondi, blue window sill from back packers.

You can see more MPAY here!

*Although it was Sydney so we were already disgusting hot. Seriously living in my undies. At home okay, never fear I don't go out like that.

New Years Resolution: A Year of not Dieting

2011-01-05T10:23:00.001+13:00

I've basically spent my entire adult life (thus far) dieting or NOT DIETING. Which means binge-ing. I have lost heaps of weight - I'm a great dieter. I've also put on lots of weight. I am not currently the biggest I've ever been - I'm about 12 kilos off that. I'm also not the smallest I've ever been - about 15 kilos off that.

During the holidays I read Portia de Rossi's book "Unbearable Lightness" which is about her battle with dieting that eventually led to anorexia and bullemia.

It was a shocking book. It kind of rocked me to my core.

So this year is going to be a year of not dieting. I have absolutely no idea what will happen. It is absolutely terrifying.

Dieting is just what we do in our family. It feels like a shocking thing to do to give it up.

I'm completely terrified and completely excited.

Gah! Now I have to do it!

Little River, thy name is happiness

2010-08-09T00:00:00.000+12:00

Little River is flat out one of my fav places in the world, not in the least because my favorite piece of art ever in the world lives there and I visit it from time to time. In case anyone is interested, since it's my birthday soon and all, it's an etching called "Riley and the Ruru" and it lives at the very bottom of the pile of etchings on the table near the door. It's always at the bottom, because that's where I put it in the vain hope nobody will buy it. One day, I know, I'll visit it and it'll be gone. Sad day, but I guess there will be the hope someone bought it for me and it awaits me, one fine day.

Ha ha, so anyway, I visited it on Saturday with The Sumo and Tighty Whitey.

And I took some pictures, for which I was mercilessly ridiculed, but they turned out nice so I'll show them.

AND I saw a Kotuku (white heron) which has so far just been a dream of my life. I saw it at Catons Bay. Oh it burned my heart, oh yes it did.

Birds carry messages for me and I have listened until now I know what the message is.

This is it:

I Am always with you.

A photo!

2010-08-05T22:45:00.000+12:00

Yup, indeedy.

Here is my photo for the day:

Okay, so I clearly took this photo ages ago but I've been having a craving to head back down south.

Plus I love how Simona looks so carefree in this photo.

And I miss my car.

Sorry kittens....

2010-08-05T09:26:00.000+12:00

I've been absent, I've not been keeping my promises. I tell you what, it's hard to keep all those balls in the air. I'm just managing to get by at the moment.

Sometimes I think too much. And sometimes I just don't think clearly enough. Have you ever had that thing, where you suddenly realise that someone you thought really loved you has actually moved on? Ouch. It's so humiliating. It hurts in the first instance because you loved them and you realise they don't love you. And then it hurts again, so much worse, because you realise that they haven't loved you for ages. That what you thought was real was just really you not paying attention.

Anyway, I'm hurting today but this too shall pass.

Yoga Bliss. Etc.

2010-08-02T22:06:00.000+12:00

Hello fond readers,

Especially you. Yep, you.

Here's my photograph for today. It's of some flowers I picked ages ago up on the Crater Rim walk. It's so nice up there and there are some great flowers that have the amazing property of not dying or wilting. Yep, they're in a bottle, on my table and they've been there for months.

Isn't the texture just so?

I just love it and it looks so nice on my table. Trust me.

This is another photograph I took up on the hills - I was so entranced by the butterflies out for their first day trip this winter. It was so warm on Sunday and they were just dancing. I read once that they winter under rocks. I think that is probably not true, and it's somewhat disturbing, actually, but it seemed like they were surely over the moon to be out in the sunshine and back among the leaves.

So here is one, who stopped for a moment, just for me. He only showed me his dull side, but I saw his bright wings before he tucked them away.

Oh he's lovely.

Post for a Sunday, on a Monday

2010-08-02T09:06:00.000+12:00

Hello viewers.
I went to see Inception on the weekend and it DID live up to the hype. Go see it, it's weird.
I also went for a walk up Harry Ell track and the weather was amazing and I had a good talk with Simona and I feel much better. And I cried. In public.
I had fish and chips on the weekend, as well as coconut ice, chocolate buscuits, chocolate, lollies, boston bun, sausages, coke and orange juice.
Here is my photograph.

Fear not - I have Not abandoned my post

2010-07-31T16:14:00.000+12:00

Nope, I have not.

Weird weather day today, what with the nor'west arch looming over the mountains. Unseasonal.

I feel weird today, I guess I'm in a weird space. Living here in my beloved Christchurch but also living partly in Sydney - I'm looking and applying for jobs, looking at places to rent, thinking about selling my stuff, saving, mentally I guess saying goodbye to my life here.

Everything just feels uneasy and I hate that.

So these toadies suit me today.

I like them, all in a pile.

There are just so many things I don't like about myself. I just wish I were more motivated to change the things I don't like. Sometimes I just feel so powerless.

I've lost 10 kilos but a big part of me just thinks, well wont I inevitably just put that back on? What is the point? I've been big all my life, why would I be different now?

I don't know.

Winter, you are in my bones.

Wainui, My Friend

2010-07-28T16:28:00.000+12:00

Lucky me I had a trip to Wainui today for a site visit.

Stopped by the lake, Te Waihora or Ellesmere if you like. So fab, wish I was a little old lady sitting beside my little old man, drinking tea from a thermos and watching the swans.

Here's my 'pic for the day'. It's a fence post.

Got to start doing these at home so I can fiddle with them.

Thanks to my two viewers! Hope they make you think (a) I'm so glad I live here in this fabulous country and (b) why don't I, why do I live in smelly England? Ha ha, just kidding Fiona.

Post Two : Day Two : Photo Two

2010-07-27T11:02:00.000+12:00

Hello to my single reader out there, I know it's you Deb. But if are the only one to ever read my blog, I'd still post, just for you.

True story.

Brian Turner, you are my hero.

So today I'm a bit scared about the Sydney Move. Most days I'm just super excited about new jobs, new flats, new shopping, new cafes, new clothes, new furniture, new theatres, movie theatres, concert halls, gardens, rivers, walks....etc. But today, the knot of fear is winding itself back up in my stomach as I contemplate leaving behind all that is familier and having to get myself organised, as my mother would say. Getting myself organised is the scary part.

And paying off my debt.

Fun job opportunity though : policy officer at the Human Rights Commission.

I think I could be good at that.

Don't freak out though...

2010-07-26T10:44:00.000+12:00

But I am back.

And, you know, better than ever.

Ha ha.

A photo a day, that's what I'm about - One Photograph Per Day For One Month.

Here's the first, taken yesterday, at the Art Centre.

It's un-fiddled with.

But it's a very 'me' photo, so tis a good one to start with, to be sure.

Oh let me be so.

So light

that I, too, leave so small an indent

with my words

Watch it. Be a witness to greatness.

2010-05-07T01:12:00.002+12:00

Watch this.

It helps me.

I read her blog every day.

Too Cool for Schooool!

2010-05-06T12:47:00.000+12:00

Yes, the following items have been identified as too cool for school.

Firstly, this print, from Felt:

I just LOVE this print and almost as much as I love Sunday Mornings. Sundays are my favorite day, absolutely. Except slightly less so now that Doc Martin has finished.

Second item is this brooch, from Made It, which is the Australian Felt. I have one in blue, and I just love it so much.

Thirdly, this fantastic art print from Sleep and her Sisters.

Don't you just love it? I want it.

Finally, this gorgeous necklace, that is currently winging its way to my house for the Sumo.

I love it, almost as much as her...

That's all for today! Click through to check out the shops, definitely worth a visit.

To funny not to share...

2010-03-18T12:07:00.001+13:00

This is an email from The Sumo that I recieved today:

So,

I go into the toilets, swing the door open violently then hear an 'ooh' behind it. Cue girl with coffee close to the other side of the door. No prob, she doesn't spill it. Now I'm standing there and the door is shutting and she has all her hands full and is about to get shut in the door. So, with my left hand I stop the door. However, she still can't fit out. I can't open it with my awkardly placed left arm so I reach around to grab it with my right arm... failure to disconnect left hand from door.

Then I realise with horror that both my left and right hands at holding the door, and she is between them…

AND I AM CUDDLING HER!

Worse…her response…

Awwwwww thank you.

Hahahahahahaha. Off to lunch…ciao

You have to love her, you just do.

On Pink: My Place and Yours

2010-03-15T22:46:00.000+13:00

Oh yeah, week two of My Place and Yours.

Well, I do have some pink in my house, what with it being a house of girls and all, but I decided to go find what pink is left from the Summer as Autumn creeps in.

Here's what I found on my walk to the graveyard:

"Pink"

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Pink is kind of non-descript to me, strangely. I have a bright pink cardi. I have a lovely pink flower brooch. But I'm more of a red/blue/green girl myself!

Still, I so enjoyed looking for pink today and I was so amazed where I found it - in the flax leaves, on a grave, in the tired roses. I like it faded and sweet and I like it strong and hopeful, in the buds.

Hope you enjoy the pics, and do check out some of the others, 'specially my beautiful sister's pinks here.

I'm so enjoying this, thanks Danielle.

File this under 'random'

2010-03-12T22:51:00.000+13:00

I just DON'T GET why the judges like that Dwayne/Dwight guy on AI. Seriously? So mundane. Talk about karaoke.

Oooh while I'm here let me tell you about a new favorite: love/hate jewellery from Australia. I especially love their hot air balloon earrings and, well, really all of their brooches. Check 'em out here.

Anyways, I had a new hair cut this week.

Ta da!

I'm very happy with it - there's some colour in there two, not that you can see it, but it's cute and it's fun and I overheard my hairdresser say to my sister about me "I think she's quietly out there!". And that made me warm inside. I am out there. Quietly.

I've got some other random pics to share:

dead head

bit of a flag

bit of bridge

These are some of my favorite kinds of photographs. Kind of random, very textured, heavy on the colour.

In other news, my room is still tidy (miracle of miracles) and here's another pic of it.

Okay, two.

And now, to complete this post-of-randomness, I shall be off to the supermarket with the Sumo to get fruit juice and fruit. At 11:00pm.

Because, I feel the need.

Self Portrait

2010-03-09T15:41:00.005+13:00

So this is me.

My sister does this thing called 'my place and yours' and I believe it explains why she has tidy parts of her house, despite the absolutely manic place at which she lives her life.

This week it's self portrait.

I used this photo because I took it last night and I think it kind of sums me up somehow.

I'm imperfect - but that's okay:

ring the bell that still can ring

forget your perfect offering

there is a crack in everything

that's how the light gets in

- Leonard Cohen

I love to take pictures and to play with them after. I love to write poetry and to read it and share it. I love to knit. I love to be with my friends and with my family. I love to be outside. I love trees and I love birds. I love the seasons. I'm excited about Autumn, and about moving to Sydney and about the Sumo getting her hair cut tomorrow.

I love blogging and I love reading the blogs of amazing folk who make their worlds beautiful.

I love to read fantasy novels about other worlds and about magic.

I love my room.

I love clothes.

I love jewellery, especially.

I have hopes for my life and also fears.

Last year I learned about family and what it means to belong.

Last year I learned to sew.

This year I'm going to make a quilt.

This year I'm learning about my creativity.

This year I am learning to trust the good.

This is me.

On travelling to Charteris Bay...

2010-03-09T14:11:00.001+13:00

On the weekend just gone I travelled out to Charteris Bay on the Peninsula with the Sumo and my Dad for a quiet weekend. Stayed in this amazing 1970's house with fab views over the Harbour.

Got a bunch of knitting done and read my book, cooked for the others while they toiled away with their work.

Here is my tribute, to Charteris Bay and to the transition from Summer to Autumn...

"Charteris Bay"

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Warning: Photo Overload

2010-03-08T23:27:00.002+13:00

SORRY, I can't help it. Last weekend (the one before last...) I spent the Sunday tidying my room. I have no before shots. Before shots could not be taken because it was beyond a before shot.

Everything I owned was in the floor.

Jumbled.

Not even a path to my bed.

My parents would have been sad, if they had seen it. It did make my other flatmates feel better though, because their rooms were ALWAYS tidier than mine.

Anyway, I tidied.

And then I took photos.

And here are those photos.

"my room"

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Thank you Picnik.

On the Sumo in her natural habitat...

2010-02-28T12:48:00.001+13:00

On how it was...

2010-02-26T23:20:00.003+13:00

On the Waikeke Island.

I tell you want, how about I show you how it was

At the beach...

In the sturdy, sunny, stuffed-full-of-someone's-memories little Bach...

Along the shore....

On the deck, over looking the bush in the gullies, the lights of the town twinkling...

And in the sweetness of friendship...

Magic.

On being domestic, and picking a winner!

2010-02-14T22:04:00.005+13:00

And that winner is Heather! Thanks for visiting Heather! I'll email you for your details tomorrow. A lovely heart will be on its way to you, one of these!

Well, it's been quite the domestic weekend. The knitting and stitching of the hearts, of course, each of which will find a happy home this week, in celebration of Valentines Day.

On Saturday I got up and did the grocery shopping and decided I would make basil pesto and then make my own pasta from scratch. And I did! Thanks to Jamie Oliver's instructions. It was great fun! Definitely need to invest in a pasta machine to avoid the painful and not entirely succesful rolling of the pasta, but it was quite beautiful even if it was on the chunky side.

Doesn't it look just delicious?

I suspected as much. Love the colours.

Anyway, that was followed by peach, rhubarb and blackberry crumble. Lunch on Sunday was roast chicken with all the trimmings, including stuffing just exactly as my Mum makes it. And scones for tea. Half plain, half date. The Sumo, perversely, hates dates but loves date scones.

I had a wonderful weekend, actually, I so enjoyed taking the time to make good food.

Happy Valentines day! My life is full to the brim of wonderful people who love me, and I know it. I used to believe that singleness = loneliness but after a life of singleness, I can tell you that's simply not true. I have found a community of love to belong to, and I've been given a true friend who is my absolute match. I have wonderful sisters and parents who believe in me and adore me. Life is chockablock full of sweetness, even in the places where pain lives. Sumo, Deb, Odette, Jo, Mum & Dad, Juls, Helen, Danielle & Shaun, Paul and Anne, Chrissy, James, Rubs, Annie, David, Tahu - you fill my life with love.

This last year, I have sat with Death and I have learned about life. It's this:

Love. Simple.

Giveaway! Free-Ness! Post Edit

2010-02-11T21:30:00.007+13:00

So it's my first giveaway, and I'm just so excited! I hope you are to.

Would you like this cutesy red heart?

Would you? I knitted it just for you.

Will you put it in your house?

Will you add it to some collection of goodness somewhere?

Well, then I suggest you post a wee comment telling me who you love. And that will get you one entry. AND if you become a follower, that will give you two more entries.

Please note, un-following and re-following me is frowned upon.

I'll do the draw on Valentines Day. New Zealand Valentines day.

Lovely!

*Thanks Rob Bell.

**Please Note: All are welcome to enter - I'm more than happy to post said heart all over the globe.

On my first...

2010-02-08T09:49:00.001+13:00

My first giveaway! Coming here, soon.

For Valentines Day. The Sumo said today

"oh Valentines next Sunday.

Big day.

Might by myself Burger King".

Indeed.

I interrupt this bulletin

2010-02-03T21:50:00.003+13:00

To bring you some breaking news.

Visit this place. A place of antique patterns. Oh!

I found it at another of my FAVOURITE places, whipup.net.

Both of these sites are officially "Too Cool For School".

Ahem.

It wouldn't be right to leave without a pic.

**which i fiddled with at Picnik

On Being Too Cool For School.

2010-02-03T11:42:00.005+13:00

The following items are officially "Too Cool For School". This is a new segment I'll be sporadically bringing to you, courtesy of my {Internet} shopping obsession.

Sweet cat broach with perfect frame

Cutesy tomtit earrings that are even now winging their sweet way to me.

Tender print from Sweet William.

All items available on Felt and can be found by clicking on the picture. Except, maybe the earrings might be gone because I bought 'em.

On being moved

2010-01-30T17:31:00.002+13:00

By all of this:

And by this:

On contemplating...

2010-01-27T09:38:00.003+13:00

Lots of thinking going on for me right now, aided greatly by the exercise programme because I always think best while I'm walking.

A couple of things helping me:

Don't let the urgent crowd out the important.

And

Find the place where the world's deep hunger and your deep happiness meet.

I'm thinking about how I can live like this. I'm thinking about how the generosity is at the very heart of the nature of God. I'm thinking about who I really am and how I can live with integrity. I'm thinking about how we choose our life (more or less). I'm thinking about how time heals. I'm thinking about learning to really see. I'm thinking about what matters and who matters.

Do yourself a favour, listen to a Rob Bell sermon. You can find them on iTunes or at marshill.org.

Now, I'm going to buy some black berries and eat them dipped in chocolate.

New Poem.

2010-01-26T16:56:00.001+13:00

Here.

on going further than I thought

2010-01-21T20:50:00.003+13:00

First bike yesterday, on Sumo's bike because me Mum has mine right now. I went down to the river and then wound along side it and back, 25 minutes. Thought it would be maybe four kilometres. BUT, when I got back and mapped it, it was 7.59kms! Sweet! I'm so stoked with my own self.

Granted, it's not that far, but much further than I thought I'd go.

THEN the training program said to do a 5 minute walk because you have to get used to it for the Duathlon. MAN, it feels so wrong and weird. Glad I'm going to be practicing that!

And, of course, there's always time for a photo.

Lichen. I love it.

First 'training' walk

2010-01-18T22:37:00.003+13:00

As per Deb's blog, I had my first 'training' walk tonight, a massive 20 minutes 'moderate' around the river. Unfortunately, I took my camera and it turned into a 20 minute walk with 20min worth of stopping to take photographs.

Fortunately, I took some pictures I like. I used the 3200 iso setting on my camera. Not the slightest idea what it means but I like how grainy it is.

On seeing...and finding....and recieving.

2010-01-15T16:10:00.008+13:00

Oh what an exciting day or two. The Sumo found tickets to one of my favorite ever artists, Joanna Newsom who is playing at the Repertory.

And yesterday, my sparrow brooch arrived:

AND today I took a photo of a leaf. Well, I was in the building consent officers' office and Greg is growing a manderin (?) plant under a lamp. I took some photos of the leaf because, well, it's shaped like a heart and it's hairy. Could it be cooler?

Well, Greg comes in and says 'what are you doing'? In the tone of disbelief he reserves just for me and my antics (like the time I threw a can of creamed corn in the recycling without properly washing it...).

I said, I'm taking a picture of your leaf.

He said why?

I said, because it's cool. Look.

And he said, well I guess when you see it like that.

Well, I do see it like that.

And then finally, last night, Simona found a snail on our 'walk' (okay, to the Supermarket for chocolate buttons and sour worms) and I carried him home on my hand so I could get a picture.

Here he is:

Now he's living in our garden.

For Deb

2010-01-14T14:32:00.004+13:00

Pictures from my visit into town today. A la Paua.

It's not my fault Hydrangeas ask me to photograph them

2010-01-12T11:09:00.006+13:00

But it is driving poor Sumo nuts. Not in the least because she gets agapathus and hydrangeas mixed up.

It isn't my fault they are my favorite and they're everywhere.

Also, this is my eye.

Weird but wonderful.

I made rhubarb cobbler on the weekend - delicious. AND look how pretty rhubarb is.

Blue Lily

2010-01-10T21:23:00.001+13:00

Makes me believe.

If this baby isn't the cutest thing ever, I don't know what is.

I've taken to talking to God in the toilet.

2010-01-03T19:25:00.005+13:00

Good morning, 2010.

Right now I have the Sumo's lunch on my desk and I'm doing my very best not to eat it. Okay, I've eaten some of it. It's so good (thanks Mum). Why don't you eat your own, you say? Well, then what would I eat at lunchtime? Duuuurrrr.

I bought a new camera last night, so exciting! It's amazing how much camera technology has developed since I bought my last new camera about four years ago. I'm kind of in love. I absolutely love taking photographs and it's so nice to have a camera that doesn't run out of battery after 10 minutes.

There are so many fun things I will be able to do with this baby. I hope this year to nuture my creative side. I don't think I've ever really tried to do that. It's always been quite haphazard. I've never seen myself as a creative person. I guess I'm getting to know a new side of myself.

Interesting time for me right now, lots of learning and growing. Details to come, maybe.

Missing my sister. Come home and blog why don't ya?

And, I have been talking to God in the toilet.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-23T15:53:00.002+13:00

Last day at work today which means less time on the computer and more time frantically knitting, sewing and cooking for Christmas!

All prayers appreciated at the moment. The Sumo had a terrible experiance a couple of nights ago and is, quite frankly, broken-hearted. Very tough for her.

Looking so forward to Christmas with my beloved parents and sisters and brother-in-laws and nieces and nephews and friends. Looking forward to going to Golden Bay and relaxing and taking millions of photograpsh and HOPEFULLY writing some new poetry.

Have a marvelous Christmas and New Years and remember, the Face of the Beloved is Everywhere.

P.S. New temporary header photo - Pohutukawa in Sumner. Love Christmas in the Summer.

Weddings and New Work

2009-12-20T16:45:00.003+13:00

I went to the most marvelous wedding ever on Friday. I have written about it here.

Shaun and Danielle, your love and happiness on that day filled me right up. I am so lucky to be a part of your story. I am so proud of your courage. I am so proud of the way that you stuck close to what you believed, that you made your own path and you weren't swayed by the opinions of others. You took your time and built a home for yourselves that will outlast all the storms.

You help me believe in love.

You made me write this very soppy post, shame on you! Your wedding did not make me feel alone or 'single', it made me believe in the power of following our own paths. You follow yours so truthfully, it helps me follow mine.

Love love love.

Just so you know

2009-12-14T15:06:00.002+13:00

I'm doing okay. Really.

Photo's to prove it:

Joy and Despair

2009-12-12T20:22:00.003+13:00

Joy because, against all expectations, I really AM going to make all my Christmas Presents this year AND I'm sure that everyone will really like them. Pretty sure.

Despair because it seems the Black Dog is back, just when I'm started to be 'happy and secure' in the knowledge things were actually better.

The thing with Humans is, there's room for both.

New work

2009-12-08T11:25:00.002+13:00

I've been working with my poetry a bit lately, on a secret squirrel plan to do with Christmas. Anyway, I found this poem that I think is one of my favorites. It's here.

You're probably tired of my photos...

2009-12-03T16:21:00.003+13:00

But I love 'em!

The Walk Through Heaven Post

2009-11-27T10:46:00.002+13:00

Cloudy ughy day today so no photo essay as yet. However, I want to make reference to my earlier blog post - a finger on lips - re: emotional pain.

When I walk around the river for my evening constitutional, I have been finding that despite the magnificence of the world through which I wander, still there is a dark shadow internally.

This scares me.

However, I feel that everytime I walk there, it heals a little, and maybe if I take this summer easy, I will find the healing I need as I walk.

New poem

2009-11-26T11:34:00.002+13:00

Here. Wrote it on my walk. I'm back on my diet wagon again, successfully this time! It's going well, so well, I'm stoked.

Anyway, every evening almost I go for a walk around the most magic piece of river, where every bit of the world is perfect.

The poem is about that.

I'm going to do a photo essay soon, and I'll blog it.

But in the meantime, words suffice.

Time, time, time, time, time time.

2009-11-25T18:56:00.006+13:00

Hi hi, not to worry, all is well. First things first. My sister has a giveaway here. Go on over and win yourself something free!

Second things second. I have some nice pics to update you with. This, a photograph from a recent trip out to Coalgate, where me and the Sumo strayed from the path and stumbled on this scene. From Heaven.

Spent a wonderful day the other week alone, on a riverbank, among the flowers and the birds, reading a book. It restored my soul!

Found this amazing flower in my mum's garden, when exploring with Rubes.

Finally, two of my favorite pictures from Coalgate.

Fantastic win

2009-10-23T23:15:00.002+13:00

Great day today, major scary challenge at work today, but I rocked it!

Feeling happy, content and, most importantly to me, competent!

And, just look at my new lovely lady, who arrived from Napier this week:

LOVE. WIN.

Like a finger on lips.

2009-10-20T13:55:00.003+13:00

I have been thinking, lately, about old pain and what to do about it. A while back, quite a considerable while now, I had a big balony with a certian someone. A big balony. I was deeply traumatised. I'm a bit of a sensitive soul (though I seem thick skinned) and truly, this event was horrific for me. I relive it often, just as if it were happening again. The pain has not diminished.

Subsequent to this event, there have been a couple of other incidents with this same person, not all involving me personally.

I struggle with my feelings for them. I am confused. I am angry. I am furious. I am sad and disappointed. I am hurt and I am damaged.

I want to heal, but I do not know how.

So I get to thinking about physical injury. Does time heal physical wounds? Well, yes and no. Yes, our bodies are set up with the intent to heal. That is what the body wants to do. If you give it time, our bodies heal our physical injuries.

But, only if certian conditions are met, as follows:

The wound is cleaned and not exposed to contaminants.
The wound is covered and protected from further injury.
The wound is exposed to the air, so it doesn't get overly moist.
The wound is not exposed to other wounds, so as to avoid cross contamination.
Sometimes, it needs to be treated with an antiseptic, or stitched, or otherwise treated.

I think that non-physical wounds are like this too, as follows:

The wound is not exposed to contaminants such as anger, bitterness, the wounds of others, hatred.
The wound is protected from further injury, perhaps through distance and careful decision making.
The wound is not hidden away to fester, but exposed (carefully) through sharing and acknowlegement.
The wound is not exposed to similar wounds, by combining/conflating all similar experiances as one and going over it with other people who have similar wounds.
Sometimes, a bit of outside help is needed in the healing process.

These are my thoughts. I need to figure out how to apply this theory to my practical reality. Right now it hurts, like when I had a wobbly tooth and I didn't to show anyone in case they pulled it out (who would do that???? who???). Even though so much time has passed, it is not healed. Maybe I have not been treating my wound properly. Maybe my body needs some help.

My Friend.

2009-10-01T22:53:00.003+13:00

P.S. I'm now empty.

Puking? Check. Diarrhea? Check.

2009-10-01T11:02:00.001+13:00

UUUURRRGGGHH.

Not good.

New Hair

2009-09-24T20:29:00.003+12:00

LOVE it.

Hope it still looks good in the morning.

Dancing with Siberian Huskies

2009-09-09T19:52:00.002+12:00

It made you look didn't it! Didn't it!

When I was out the other day on my First Walk of the Spring, I saw this fantastic woman walking her two Siberian Huskies. Oh, I use the term walk loosely.

She was walking, skipping, dancing, clapping. She was so happy. She waved her arms. The dogs trotted along solemn and slightly fierce.

I loved her! I tried to keep up, but hey, she was skipping.

Knocked it of, yes I did

2009-09-07T23:10:00.003+12:00

Knocked off the Hill of Death, oh yes I did.

Did something good for my own self, yes I did.

Climbed a big hill, climbed past the pain.

Yes, it's not much, but I did it.

Whanganui

2009-09-03T08:57:00.000+12:00

Dear Mr Laws,

You are an idiot.

Regards,

Sharyn Brown.

Word for the Day OR Insert Whinge Here.

2009-08-31T22:46:00.003+12:00

Word for today would be defeated. After such a cool day yesterday, today was such a downer. Found work very difficult, felt fat and ugly (thanks PMT), then total fail at yoga.

Also, today marks the official end of Faux, a church thing I've been running for about a year. To be fair, I've not been organising my way out of a box for a couple of months, but today was the nail in the coffin.

Felt okay about it this morning, but feel defeated tonight.

Sometimes it's too hard to keep ALL the balls in the air.

Feeling let down by life today. Best go to bed and give it another go tomorrow.

So, it was my birthday

2009-08-30T22:38:00.002+12:00

And it was a good one, thanks to good food, good friends, good family, good times.

Today, I was happy, and perhaps a little silly.

29.

The Dog Days are Over!

2009-08-27T08:17:00.002+12:00

Yes, the Big Black Dog has done gone and run away. Listening to new music from Florence and the Machine. She has this joyful, fabulous song called the Dog Days are Over, and it brings a smile to my face because I think, I hope, I now believe, that they actually are over, for now at least.

I have 'invented', accidentally of course, a new form of pray that is oh so working for me right now. I was at Paul and Annes for dinner on the weekend and gave grace - I just said "Dear Lord, Thanks for the Chinese food, Amen". The Sumo cracked up, because she thought I said "This is Chinese food". Well, it's kind of caught on, as a joke (i.e. "Dear Lord, This is Butterscotch Pudding, Amen").

But do you know? It kind of works for me. The Sumo and I were talking last night about how it is kind of like a prayer full of grace and faith - it just says, this is my issue, I bring it to you. Like:

"Dear Lord, This is my scary meeting, Amen".
"Dear Lord, These are my shinsplints, Amen".

No grovelling or begging, just some honesty and trust - He knows my needs.

I'm loving it!

Oh please Annie Rose

2009-08-14T22:25:00.003+12:00

Please, I beg of you, fit this hat for me.

**Edit: She Fits It! (Just)**

Winter, I love thee.

2009-08-13T12:57:00.003+12:00

The Sumo!

2009-08-12T20:41:00.002+12:00

She is back! She is here!

My friend.

Aesthetically speaking...

2009-08-11T21:08:00.002+12:00

I would have made a perfect renaissance woman. I have fabulous curves. No truly, I do. I recently have looked at stick figure women and actually thanked God for my body, for my soft skin and my warm thighs. Not to put too finer point on it, I think that potentially someone would really enjoy my body.

Simultaneously, I am fat. I wobble. I bulge. I sag. I oppose the conventional western ideal of beauty in every conceivable way. This has a tendency to make me sad.

Because of these two different forces tugging on my self esteem, I veer between self love and self loathe.

This is exacerbated by being surrounded by beautiful larger women. I look at them and think 'fabulous'! I think, 'Yes! Big women are beautiful!' Then, I hear them and they don't love their bodies.

One of my new favorite bloggers is C Jane who lives here, among other places. This blog of hers kind of inspired this one. She is fantastically beautiful, I love looking at pictures of her. She is flat out fantastic. Why can't she love herself?

My point is this. It is hard for me to love my body, when the women that I look like do not love their bodies. I'd imagine then, that it is hard for other women to love their bodies, when I do not love mine.

If only, if only, I could break the cycle. If only I could have enough courage to learn to love my body. Please God, give me the courage.

From my desktop - to yours

2009-08-10T16:35:00.003+12:00

See:

A new poem. And a new title for my poetry blog. Fun!

Winter on Old Harry...

2009-08-01T15:57:00.004+12:00

The trees have lain aside their precious summer coats, they let us see their fine, rough skin.

Straight lines stand out, against Her curves

damp and cool, but still a hint of glamour

Dark pathways curve away through the bush...

When an eight year old names a ship...

2009-07-31T09:17:00.003+12:00

Like this one:

A big ship, a ship carrying hundreds of cars on it.

When an eight year old names the ship, that giant ship is called "Dream Angel".

Actually...

2009-07-26T15:47:00.001+12:00

Perhaps I would have chosen this poem:

Oterei rivermouth

I get to think that God

is somewhere there between the rivermouth and sea

glistening

helplessly

with only a broad sky a bored dog and me

listening.

SAM HUNT (my very newest favorite, from his new book, Doubtless)

Tears on my face, in my heart

2009-07-26T15:41:00.000+12:00

Because of this song (see vid in last post):

Indiscriminate Act Of Kindness :
She came from the cold wet
Dropped her luggage bags
Looked the concierge in the eye
Said, "I need a room for the night,
But I don't got no money.
Would you take payment of any kind?"

He said, "It's alright
I got a room here, you can share mine.
Make the bed in the morning and that'll do fine.
You can change in the bathroom,
Hang your clothes on the line."
A tear came to her eye
She thought how could he be so kind
How could he be so kind (x2)

She sat down on the bed with a needle
He said, "I'd hate to see you bleed,
Just fetch a warm towel,
I'll sit with you til you're dry."
She started to cry
Said, "Why? why? why? why? why? why?"

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness.
(x3)

She was cold turkey
He was holding her hand
She said, "I was ruined by man,
This was never in my plans.
I dreamed of men who loved me,
Together we'd see the world.
Somehow I lost myself among the insults they hurled."

"I'm sure your a wonderful woman,
And someday there will surely be someone.
So just relax now, it's important that you're calm."

She said, "How is it you can see past me as I am?"

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness.
(x3)

"When you took your chances,
It was like you placed a bet.
And sometimes this is the reward you can get.
I was always taught
If you see someone defiled,
You should look them in the eyes and smile,
And take their heart, no better yet
Take them home, home, home."

She awoke early in the morning
Made the bed, gathered up her clothes to leave
Saw the concierge curled on the settee
Said, "What you did for me was hard for me to believe."

"I was just doing what was right.
No one that knows love could leave you out there on such a night.
If you can help someone,
Bare this in mind
And consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness."

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness.

Poetry Day!

2009-07-26T14:01:00.003+12:00

Unthinkably good music right here:

Friday was Montana Poetry Day here in NZ, and in its honour, let me wax a little lyrical about poetry itself. I never really caught the poetry bug until after I left school, when I started haunting book stores and flicking through their poetry sections. I found a poetry book by Jewel (the singer) and her voice really captured my attention. Here was poetry that didn't need translation, it spoke my language. My own writing started to take off to, when I left behind the irritations of structure and rhyme and instead focussed on writing straight from my experiance, trying to write the truth.

My poetry tastes have matured since then, and the last few years I have become totally enamored with New Zealand poetry, particularly poetry about the New Zealand landscape.

I don't for sure know why I love poetry so much, what it is about poetry that so captures my attention, but I find it so perfect and so truthful. I am a very sensory person, and I think poetry is a artform that brings together sensory information. I love to hear people's voices, and poetry has a capacity to allow a person's voice to speak in a way that is at once personal and public.

On Friday I went along to hear some poets read their own work and a favourite of someone elses. If I had been asked, here is the poem I would have read of my own:

Listen: here

An Ode to the Botanic Gardens

That time of the year again, the ever-greens are ever green as ever

but those insufferable deciduous models,

are pulling on their showy coats, all reds and yellows,

All, "look at me! I'm on fire! I glow like incadence! I light up the world with my impossibly beautiful leaves, each impossibly unique!

Look at me! Slowly, letting it fall, slowly showing you my

shapely,

dark,

strong

body,

my arms slow dancing, my discarded garments scrambling for cover on

an Autumn wind"

The favourite poem I would have chosen to share, much harder to choose, but I think I'd go with this one, a recent favourite, combining my love of NZ poetry with my love for the Peninsula:

Listen (to me read it, she's dead!): here

The Long Harbour

There are three valleys where the warm sun lingers,
gathered to a green hill girt-about anchorage,
and gently, gently, at the cobbled margin
of fire-formed, time-smoothed, ocean-moulded curvature,
a spent tide fingers the graven boulders,
the black, sea-bevelled stones.

The fugitive hours, in those sun-loved valleys,
Implacable hours, their golden-wheeled chariots’
inaudible passage check, and slacken
their restless teams’ perpetual galloping;
and browsing, peaceable sheep and cattle
gaze as they pause by the way.

Grass springs sweet where once thick forest
gripped vales by fire and axe freed to pasturage;
but flame and blade have spared the folding gullies,
and there, still, the shade-flitting, honey-sipping lutanists
copy the dropping of tree-cool waters
dripping from stone to stone.

White hawthorn hedge from old, remembered England,
and orchard white, and whiter bridal clematis
the bush-bequeathed, conspire to strew the valleys
in tender spring, and blackbird, happy colonist,
and blacker, sweeter-fluted tui echo
either the other’s song.

From far, palm-feathery, ocean-spattered islands
there rowed hither dark and daring voyagers;
and Norseman, Gaul, the Briton and the German
sailed hither singing; all these hardy venturers
they desired a home, and have taken their rest there,
and their songs are lost on the wind.

I have walked here with my love in the early spring-time,
and under the summer-dark walnut-avenues,
and played with the children, and waited with the aged
by the quayside, and listened alone where manukas
sighing, windswept, and sea-answering pine-groves
garrison the burial-ground.

It should be very easy to lie down and sleep there
in that sequestered hillside ossuary,
underneath a billowy, sun-caressed grass-knoll,
beside those dauntless, tempest-braving ancestresses
who pillowed there so gladly, gnarled hands folded,
their tired, afore-translated bones.

It would not be a hard thing to wake up one morning
to the sound of bird-song in scarce-stirring willow-trees,
waves lapping, oars plashing, chains running slowly,
and faint voices calling across the harbour;
to embark at dawn, following the old forefathers,
to put forth at daybreak for some lovelier,
still undiscovered shore.

Why do I love this poem so? It's fabulous....

PS: forgive me, I can't pronounce "ossuary"

Wool Heaven

2009-07-16T19:26:00.002+12:00

I am in wool heaven, bought the fabulous wool for my sisters hat - I'm banking on her not checking my blog while she's down in the deep south being shaken to bits by rampant earthwakes. Oooh what a hard-core island we live on!

Anyway, she LOVES red so I am making her a red hat and I've got some cool blue wool in my stash so I'm going to knit/crochet an embellisment to go on the hat. Fun! Should have it done by the end of the weekend, all going to plan.

I always buy my wool in the Warehouse, but I went to proper knitting shops today while The Sumo had her medical procedure. HEAVEN. But expensive.

Freckles

2009-07-16T11:31:00.007+12:00

I have them. I am a sucker for freckles, heck, even my own!

I have only three projects in the offing currently. A neck warmer for me mum, nearish completion. A vest/cardigan for myself, nearish to beginning (i.e. I have a pattern) and a new hat for me sister. I'm going to make the same one as I made myself because I'm totally loving the pattern. Here it is in the day-light:

I think it will be blue but I have today off because the Sumo has some sort of medical procedure and needs a 'caregiver', i.e. taxi driver and putter-to-bed-to-sleep-off-the-drugs-er, SO I shall visit the glorious knitting shop to find some wool worthy of my precious sister.

Mum's neck warmer is going well I believe, I'm very happy with how it looks and it's been fun knitting using my aunty's old old needles. It's fun knitting for people I love!

I had a friend over the other night and The Sumo pulled out all the headbands and hats I'd knitted just to show them off. I felt so loved and valued! Nice feeling.

Last three months have been absolutely terrible for me, very dark with despair. But, I think that things are getting better and I'm am allowing a little very precious hope to seep back in. Not to be all dramatic or anything, but I barely survived and so it's really good to be 'unfreezing my heart' again. Hope to be writing poetry again momentarily, so will post some over here when I do.

Latest Hat

2009-07-13T22:54:00.002+12:00

My latest hat, I made it for myself!

Learning to love:

2009-07-12T19:26:00.000+12:00

Op-Shopping

2009-07-11T23:06:00.003+12:00

Went op-shopping today, wearing the proceeds:

Blue top = $15, cute brooch = $5. Score!

Tugboats and Diggers

2009-07-09T12:10:00.005+12:00

I work in a magical place called Lyttelton. It's a port town just over the hill from where I live. My window overlooks the port and, specifically, the quay where the ships come to be loaded up with logs. It's magic! I love watching the ships come in, with the tugs nudging them safely into place. I love watching the cranes loading the logs (ever so slowly) onto the ship. I love watching the little yellow trucks perched on the logs, on the ship, organising the logs neatly into place.

It's the best view a girl could ask for.

Today was exciting because usually the log ships are already in when I arrive, they must come in first thing, but today one came in at 10:00! So I got to watch it!

Now I am looking out my window at the loading going on, it's a good distraction on what is otherwise a rubbish day work wise.

Fountain Fountain

2009-06-30T22:21:00.002+12:00

Feelin' better today thank goodness, although work was super stressful. Went to yoga last night and it was just so HARD. I am really flexible, by far the most flexible in the class. But I am just terrible at balancing, honestly, ridiculously bad. And I'm not very strong either. It's so annoying because no-one notices that I can do the flex stuff but man, they can see when I wobble around and fall spectacularly over. SHAME! But it's gooooood for me, good to learn to do something for the joy of it, not to be the best. Not that yoga was that joyful last night, painful yes!

I did just make the best cookies - peanut butter and chocolate chip. Aren't they lovely?

And to all a good night

2009-06-28T17:57:00.001+12:00

Feelin' sad today.

Lost!

2009-06-24T21:24:00.003+12:00

Oh yes, lost.

Well, I'm busy knitting an entrelac hat, and it's coming along nicely! Should finish it this weekend, so there'll be pics soon.

I had a totally insane week work wise, and I'm totally shattered. I'm in that precarious place between hope and despair at the moment - hope is so fragile and scary, and I am not very brave. But there's not much point without it, so I do what I can to be brave.

I have, for the first time in my 28 years, a double bed. It's crazy, the room in that thing! And my room finally looks like a grown-ups, rather than an over-grown child.

It's an interesting time for me at the moment, two good friends got engaged, lots of babies in my life. It's very exciting and joyful, but be lying if I didn't admit that it raises some questions for me.

I'm not old, obviously, despite the horrified look I got from an 11 year old recently when I told her I was turning 30 next year. There's plenty of time for marriage and babies. However, when your peers start that process and it's no-where in sight for you, there is a grief. I know that it might not ever happen for me, for whatever reason. Maybe those moments wont be for me. I am certain that whatever life I lead, it will be good and fulfilling and joy-full, but it might not have those joys. It scares me, and it hurts me. Part of me feels like I'm getting left behind.

I'm not moaning, honest, I know that I have lots of benefits that come with singleness (like spontaneous trips to Sydney, lots of shopping, no real need to be sensible with money) and I know I'll totally get over it. And I'm absolutely definitely happy for my friends.

But honestly, it's scary when life turns out different to how you thought it would.

Can't let that be my last post

2009-06-18T21:35:00.001+12:00

Weight, urgh, who cares. I have bigger things to worry about (pun).

SO, my latest knitting conquest: entrelac knitting:

Isn't it fantastic? Looks like it's woven but it's actually very simple once you get going. FUN! I'm loving knitting right now, but I do want to try some other crafts! Like embroidery or sewing or something.

Things I love right now: Clinique 3 step skin care, Poetry books, Twitter, Etsy, scarves and coming home to a warm house.

Starting again, again.

2009-03-02T22:10:00.002+13:00

I had yoga tonight and we were focussing on the principle of being in the present. The teacher asked us just to accept things as they were in this particular moment.

It really struck me actually. I'm starting out again, again, on my weightloss journey and so it seemed particularly relevant to me. I am in the midst of a difficult emotional journey and so it seemed particularly relevant to me. I'm at the start of training for my first half marathon (run), I'm in the midst of a new spiritual journey, I just finished my first year at work.

I lay on my mat, trying (unsuccessfully) not to fall asleep during the meditation, and I held in myself the moment I find myself in.

I've failed at weightloss about a million times.

I'm sad and grieving.

I'm very tired physically and emotionally.

I'm proud of my progress at work.

I'm fitter than I've been in ages.

I'm writing the best poetry I've ever written and it might get published.

I'm growing and exited about God in new ways.

I'm bigger than I ever wanted to be.

I've got a lot of weight to loose.

I'm on new medication that might help me loose weight like normal.

I'm figuring out how to make life work every day.

There are great things and hard things and I lay there on my mat and for the first time in ages, I didn't judge myself. I just accepted where I was.

Felt good.

Flume

2009-02-18T22:16:00.001+13:00

Whenever I go somewhere stone-esque, I like to build a cairn. People used to build them to show people the way, or to mark a pathway, or to leave a sign that they were there.

I like that, so I build them. Plus, I love the process of building them.

Here is my latest one, at Greymouth Beach:

More new work

2009-02-18T09:58:00.000+13:00

Some from the Marathon weekend: here.

Slow dancing in a burning room

2009-02-17T10:46:00.001+13:00

Did another halfy this weekend – over on the Coast, it was extremely beautiful! Did it in 3 and a half hours again which I had hoped to beat. However, I did pretty well because kept a good pace throughout.

No photos this time! Was too horrible to look at let alone spend $10 so you’ll just have to use your imaginations.

Determined never to walk another one though, it just takes so long and that is demoralising. So, to that end, I did my first hill run last night. I’ve done a wee bit of running in the last few weeks but have started this program that Simona used. It will be good to have some structure to my running. So it was just 15 min on the hills, which isn’t much, but you start low and build up. I went up Harry Ell and just ran for 15 min and then walked the rest of the way. I was quite happy with my progress after that because I found the 15 min fine and did the whole track in an hour flat, which is half an hour quicker than a couple of months ago. Muscles a bit sore during the run because of the event on Saturday I guess.

In ten weeks time I’ll be running two hours! Well, that is the plan. So I’ll sign up for the Hanmer Half Marathon in May and should be able to run it by then.

No yoga last night, my teacher is teaching an immersion course. I hate missing it but I think Warrior II would have been totally out of reach with my muscles as tired as they are. She gets us doing these hideous lunges, man they are horrifying. Anyway, quickly improving at yoga which is very nice – nice to be good at something for a change. Running is always a tad demoralising because other people always whiz past me – I’m very slow!

Better go, do some work.

NOT the most flattering angle

2009-02-09T15:53:00.003+13:00

But nonetheless. This is pre collapse and vomit stage!

Me, doing the Sarah Ulmer Brand Half Marathon (21kms) walk. 3.5hrs was my time, and one to beat.

Sing a song of sixpence

2009-02-09T14:26:00.000+13:00

Two songs that are very meaningful for me at the moment:

Oh Love That Will Not Let Me Go

O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

Brilliant. I kind of think, why bother to write songs after that one has been written. It’s so perfect.

The other song is by a band called Bon Iver.

It’s a good song but the line that gets me is this:

Come on skinny love, just last the year.

I am so into that lyric. I completely feel like my love has been worn thin, my love for God, my love for life, my love for myself…and I find myself saying,

Come on skinny love! Just last the year!

That’s where I’m at.

New work

2009-02-04T17:00:00.001+13:00

Here

A Pilgrim Soul

New toys

Sleep I cannot

On life being so good

Thrifty Saturday at a Pop Up Market

An Ode to my Parents

Kitchens

bazaar goodness part two

Me and dieting

the bazaar

finders keepers AND a bazaar

Things I am collecting

A new venture...or two

And a voice says 'this is london'...

Some glimpses of my life

Thrifting Finds/Look What I Made!!!!

Sewing Machine = Happiness

My Place and Yours - Stripes

My Place (And Yours)

New Years Resolution: A Year of not Dieting

Little River, thy name is happiness

A photo!

Sorry kittens....

Yoga Bliss. Etc.

Post for a Sunday, on a Monday

Fear not - I have Not abandoned my post

Wainui, My Friend

Post Two : Day Two : Photo Two

Don't freak out though...

Watch it. Be a witness to greatness.

Too Cool for Schooool!

To funny not to share...

On Pink: My Place and Yours

File this under 'random'

Self Portrait

On travelling to Charteris Bay...

Warning: Photo Overload

On the Sumo in her natural habitat...

On how it was...

On being domestic, and picking a winner!

Giveaway! Free-Ness! **Post Edit**

On my first...

I interrupt this bulletin

On Being Too Cool For School.

On being moved

On contemplating...

New Poem.

on going further than I thought

First 'training' walk

On seeing...and finding....and recieving.

For Deb

It's not my fault Hydrangeas ask me to photograph them

Blue Lily

I've taken to talking to God in the toilet.

Merry Christmas!

Weddings and New Work

Just so you know

Joy and Despair

New work

You're probably tired of my photos...

The Walk Through Heaven Post

New poem

Time, time, time, time, time time.

Fantastic win

Like a finger on lips.

My Friend.

Puking? Check. Diarrhea? Check.

New Hair

Dancing with Siberian Huskies

Knocked it of, yes I did

Whanganui

Word for the Day OR Insert Whinge Here.

So, it was my birthday

The Dog Days are Over!

Oh please Annie Rose

Winter, I love thee.

The Sumo!

Aesthetically speaking...

From my desktop - to yours

Winter on Old Harry...

Giveaway! Free-Ness! Post Edit