Monthly Post

New month, new post.  

Check these guys out.

Re: my 'fail' post.  I don't remember now what it was that made me post it in particular.  What I do remember is that I was feeling frustrated at how hard it is to live a normal life.  I've lived for four years with the most full on study load, and any time things kind of collapsed in one area (e.g. didn't do the dishes for two weeks, didn't do the washing, house a mess, ate bad food, broke...) I knew it was because I was studying.  I was busy, tired, overworked, underfunded.  The reason why things didn't get done was because I was so focussed on doing the 'one thing' really well.

I said to myself, when I finish, it will be different.

I would like to announce that it is not different.

I am still busy.  I still find it hard to balance the budget, keep my room tidy, keep up to date with the washing, exercise, spend time with friends and family, eat properly, do the shopping, be creative, knit, ride my bike, write poems, read books, watch the West Wing....there is so much to DO.

I AM NOT COMPLAINING.  I am really not.  Life is actually a hundred million times easier now I'm not studying.

All I'm saying, it's hard to keep all the balls in the air.  It's hard to do everything.  It's hard to have the life I want.

Plus all the emotional things I supressed for four years while I had no mental space to deal with them have begun to surface: I hate my body, some of the relationships in my life are difficult, I feel not good enough, I'm scared of not being good enough, I can't deal with emotion....etc.  Nothing overwhelming or unusual, just the usual run of the mill stuff that everyone goes through.  I'm just not used to actually dealing with it.  

I know how to put in the box labelled "After I Finish" and store it in the garage.

I just don't know how to deal with it right now.

It's just an adjustment, that's all.  Just learning now to be normal.

And sometimes I have a normality fail.

Normality Fail.

FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL

It’s so hard to be normal.

Thoughts aTwirling

I'm still fasting shopping and this weekend was the hardest yet.  I've not been bothered by it really, until Friday and Saturday and Sunday.  Gah.  I REALLY want to get my hair cut and I REALLY want to by a new bike, bike shorts and helmet.  Gah again.  However, it's a good exercise in learning the difference between need and want.  Painful for me, but good.  It's very humbling actually, or humiliating.

Several reoccuring thoughts.  Me and Simona have decided to stop saying negative things about people.  Not that we like talk about people all the time, but I guess we're both quite normal in that we like to vent about people - you know, our neighbours revving the damn car in the driveway again, so and so was rude at the shops etc.  Anyway, I think it's clear that talking negatively about people or organisations is basically a waste of time and achieves nothing.  If you can't say something nice, say nothing.  We've implemented this rule then not to say nasty things and when we want to or start to we say 'grace and peace'.

It's a good process!  I like saying grace and peace because it basically feels to me like I'm surrendering that person or organisation or whatever over to God.  Just like saying, oh that's none of my business, I'm not going to judge, here You deal with it as you see fit.

Freeing actually, very freeing.  But really annoying to because I like to vent.

The other thing is this memory that keeps coming back to me - from last year.  Last year was my Masters year and it was so freaking hard.  So hard.  I wrote an average of 5000 words per essay and that's at least three per paper and three papers per semester, plus almost 40 000 on my dissertation.  Which I handed in for the final time on Friday, YAY!  Anyway, it was a tough year.  I think the people in my life knew it was tough because I was never around, but I don't know if people really saw how miserable I was, because I was never around.  I guess it was easier for us both to cope by just hiding away the misery part.  It was hard to hang out with people because all I had in my head was my study.  I just didn't have any other words to say.  

I know I let lots of people down last year and maybe the year before that too.  I never went to family things hardly.  I let my friends down all the time.  This year has been amazing and just freaking so good, but also it's been hard to find a balance again - between hanging out with friends and still needing time at home.  I think I haven't been very good at it but I think I'm getting better.

The memory I keep coming across is that me and Simona used to sing this song, Sadie, quite a bit towards the end.  We would just turn our backs on the laptops and sing really loud this song.  One time I remember singing it and Simona just crying and crying, and me just not knowing what to do for her.  I just kept singing and she kept singing and crying.  It was torment and it was beautiful, all at the same time.

This is the song:

Sadie, white coat,

carry me home.

Bury this bone, 

take this pinecone.

Bury this bone

to gnaw on it later; gnawing on the telephone.

'Till then, we pray & suspend

the notion that these lives do never end.

And all day long we talk about mercy:

lead me to water lord, I sure am thirsty.

Down in the ditch where I nearly served you,

up in the clouds where he almost heard you

And all that we built,

and all that we breathed,

and all that we spilt, or pulled up like weeds

is piled up in back;

it burns irrevocably.

(we spoke up in turns,

'till the silence crept over me)

Bless you

and I deeply do

no longer resolute

and I call to you

But the water go so cold,

and you do lose 

what you don't hold.

This is an old song,

these are old blues.

This is not my tune,

but it's mine to use.

And the seabirds

where the fear once grew

will flock with a fury,

and they will bury what'd come for you

Down where I darn with the milk-eyed mender

you and I, and a love so tender,

is stretched-on the hoop where I stitch-this addage:

"Bless our house and its heart so savage."

And all that I want, and all that I need

and all that I've got is scattered like seed.

And all that I knew is moving away from me.

(and all that I know is blowing 

like tumbleweed)

And the mealy worms

in the brine will burn

in a salty pyre,

among the fauns and ferns.

And the love we hold,

and the love we spurn,

will never grow cold

only taciturn.

And I'll tell you tomorrow.

Sadie, go on home now.

Belss those who've sickened below;

bless us who've chosen so.

And all that I've got

and all that I need

I tie in a knot

that I lay at your feet.

I have not forgot,

but a silence crept over me.

(So dig up your bone,

exhume your pinecone, my sadie)

Choice as

Gah, I love these: Kiwi Psalms

Psalm 47

Give a round of applause everyone

Don’t pack a sad – celebrate!

God is awesome, ay.

He subdued all those nations that were a bit of a worry,

Kinda like what the Warriors did to the Roosters.

He gave us a hand and made everything sweet as.

 

God has come through, and the crowds are going wild.

Get the guitar out and have a singalong.

Praise him at the top o’ your lungs.

 

For God is a total beaut.

Sing to him as loud as you’d sing along to the Exponents.

God makes everything good as gold, and he’s in charge.

He has the best seat in the house.

The big cheeses from Kaitaia to Bluff line up to say how awesome he is.

God is choice.

Psalm 130:

When I’m not feeling that flash I call out to you, God
God, hear my voice
Listen up and help me out
I’m having a whinge; but I need your help!

If you, God, kept a record of my stuff-ups
I’d be up the creek without a paddle
But with you there is forgiveness
And so I respect you heaps

I hang out for God, I’d spend yonks waiting for him
His words are straight-up, aye (not like Winston)

Like I said, I hang out for God, I’d spend yonks waiting for him
More than Waikato waits for a quarter-final
More than Aucklanders wait in traffic

So, Israel, trust this God, eh?
He doesn’t pack a sad; he always loves us and that’s choice
With him there’s redemption; the full deal!

He’s gonna sort out Israel
And redeem them from all their stuff-ups.

By Sarah and Rhett Snell, respectively.  Hat-tip Jonesboy

Argh

Not shopping is HARD.   Hello, my name is Sharyn, and I'm addicted to shopping.  And eating things I shouldn't way to often.  I was so good today, eating fruit and left overs and I had a good tea - just some chicken and coleslaw and pom poms.  it sounds bad, but it's good trust me!  And then I eat Banana bread.  Banana bread is not bad, but couldn't I go even one day without eating fat and sugar?  For crying out loud!  I have a problem!

Nevermind.  It's good, much better than I've been and I guess improvement is the key.  

I'm doing this new praying thing at the moment and it is kicking my spiritual butt into shape.  It's so GOOD.  I'm really interested in meditation so it's a form of meditative prayer, where I'm empty my mind and find the god within.  Just kidding.  I have been praying a series of short prayers over and over.  And it's amazing, i have to say a whole bunch so i try to keep a move on, you know, so I get to sleep before midnight, but I just keep slowing down because very time it's fantastic!

One of them is the Our Father, the Lords Prayer and I realised as I was saying it, Jesus said this!  This actual prayer!  Not in english, obviously, but still!  Amazing, it totally blew me away.

I've read this book lately called Eat Pray Love about this woman who went on a spiritual quest for a year, it's very funny, she is great (reminds me of you Helen, if you happen to be reading).  But one of the things she said was that one of the names for the Spirit was  Beloved.  I freaking love that.  The Holy Spirit is such a urgh name.  

Read the Shack.  It's, well, read it and then talk to me (as my Mother wisely said).

To bed.

Shopping Fast

I know, I know, fasting is supposed to be secret, between you and God, but I'm distainful of "supposed to" and I need the accountability.

I've decided to fast shopping.  This is the thing, shopping and over eating are my two great faults as a human being.  There's nothing wrong with shopping.  There's nothing wrong with eating.  But I have an unhealthy relationship with the both.

I need to shop.  I think I'm addicted.  I have realised this even more because the thought of not shopping for the six weeks I've alloted makes me feel panicked.  I know, it's silly, but it's real.  Part of this the realisation that I'm rich.  I've become quite snobby about rich people.  I think they should give more of their money away and they shouldn't have so much stuff.  I realised the other day, thanks to a Mars Hill sermon by a guy called Kent Dobson, that I AM RICH.  I am one of those rich people.  When it says in the bible that it's hard for rich people to be part of the Kingdom of God, I realised that that verse is about me.

It was quite a shock to the system.  Rich people live in Fendalton or Cashmere.  Not in Barrington.  But of course, I am, literally, richer than 90% of the world's population.  Of course I am rich!  Who am I kidding?

And consumption is not bad, it's not bad to like nice things and to want to look nice.  It's just not good for me the way I feel about consumption.  So, upshot is, I'll stop shopping (excluding groceries and birthday presents) for six weeks (until the 2nd of November).  The money that is in my account I will divide up - 1/3 to pay off my debts, and 2/3 to a charity.

That's the challenge!  Scary and hard right now, but I think it will bring me a measure of freedom in the long term.

Gah!

Check this out. 

I have a serious thing for birds.  A serious thing.  I am always, always, distracted by birds.  Always curiously touched by birds.  One of the main things that always captures me is that they exist in their own world, in a parallel universe kind of. 

The other thing I like is that they are INSANE.

Check out the video above.  There's so many more. 

I know it's a terrible philosophical argument, but I cannot help but believe in God when I see things like that.

Seriously.

Mercury Rising

Irritated by slow internet.  I think we've exceeded our limit for the month or some such nonsense.  Grrrrr.  

Talked to my friend tonight a lot about singleness, a pet thing of mine.  I think I was confusing because I find it difficult to articulate my feelings about this at the moment.  Sometimes words just don't work as they should.

So I've become part of a new church community that is actually working for me.  I've moaned for so long about not being able to find a church and not knowing what to do about it, it seems only fair that I tell you at last that the good news is I have resolved that particular thing.

I don't know how much I want to blab about it on the internet for all and sundry to judge just yet, it's kind of this precious thing, but suffice to say it's GOOD and it's what I've always wanted church to be and I don't know what will be, but I've learned one important lesson in life:

Let it be what it is.

Indeed.  Anyways, just checking in really.  Just saw on Facebook that a man I once knew has just died.  Feel the weight of it right now so I think I'll leave it there.

Blogging with wireless

I have been using my lack of wireless internet as an excuse not to blog for the longest time.  Well, now I have wireless so I have no excuse.  So here I am.

I have been using moving as an excuse not to eat properly and make time for exercise.  Well now I'm moved, so I've got no excuse and it's time to start afresh (again).

The thing is, I've started afresh about 25 times when it comes to eating well and exercising.  It makes me not want to start again.  It's dis-couraging.  But I will take up my courage and start again because, in the end, what else can you do?  The only alternative is to quit and I know for sure that then I will just slowly deteriorate.  SO, onwards and upwards.

I read once this thing that there is a courage of happiness as well as a courage of sorrow.  I totally love that.  It's actually quite scary to be happy, because the happier you are the more you have to lose.  Like loving, when you experience joy you open yourself up to the possibility of pain.  

It's sometimes easy to stay in the sorrow place, because at the very least it is safe and predictable - better the devil you know.  But, of course, the better path is joy because I have no intention of living a life halfway.

I used to write a lot about being in a halfway happy place, but the last 5 years have been a focussed journey away from that place and into a place called Joy.

I think the place called Joy is whatever is after the birth that we call death, but I have been learning lately that we can bring heaven to earth same as we can bring hell to earth.

Well, heaven is on earth for me today.

Exultation

Today I could move mountains with my joy! 
Could drink the golden liquid of the sun 
Or stride the sky, or wilder means employ 
To shout aloud my gladness as I run. 
I am stretched out to endless space and time, 
There is no distance where I cannot be. 
The stars behind the starry fields sublime 
Are but the marrow and the flesh of me.

There is no measure made for me today! 
A universe has opened in my soul. 
I feel me not a part of worlds at play, 
But strangely and convincingly the whole. 
Who knows but some bright shaft from god's hand given 
Has split my mind and poured it full of heaven!

Dora Hagemeyer

Whingy moany whiney blog

Yes, I know it was.  Self-pity is my speciality.

BUT just to prove I'm not totally bereft of common-sense I have signed up for Weight Watchers to try and sort my self out.

Exciting.

(So I had chocolate fudge pudding for tea).

Friend or Foe

I KNOW that my weight doesn't matter.  Deep down, I really understand that it has no value.  I know this because recently I had to draw a picture of my life in the future, of how I wanted it to be.  And then I had to describe it in words.  It came so easy to me, I already know how I want my life to be.  And NOTHING that I said had anything to do with my weight or my looks.  Nothing.

And yet, it hurts.  It hurts that Simona is still so small and I am big again.  It hurts that for a time I was normal, and now I'm fat again.  It hurts to feel ugly and to feel impossibly repulsive.  I feel like i look disgusting.  

It hurts me so much, it makes me miserable.

The truth is, it fills me with dread.  DREAD.

D   R   E   A  D

That is a good word to describe how I feel. 

Why, it makes no sense.  Since I know it doesn't have any value.

I decided to go to a new shop on Thursday and buy heaps of new clothes.

But tonight in the shower I looked down at my body and I realised that the clothes are not the problem, and they will not make me feel better.

So, I will not go and buy clothes.

But, fingers crossed, I will buy a kitten.  

I'm starting something this week, it's very exciting.  But scary, as all good things are.

And Simona got her dissertation mark back and she got an A+, which is freaking amazing.  AMAZING.

And I am realising this week that I am so lucky, I have such good friends.  Strictly speaking they should have written me off ages ago because I've been a terrible friend during the last year, especially.  But no, I am lucky.

Bloggings

I'm sitting up later than I should, eking out the last of the warmth from the fire.  It feels like a satisfying day.  I got two consents finished up, actually answered some people's questions on the duty planner line, cooked a really yummy tea, washed the dishes and mastered the lace pattern on my latest scarf.  I know, it's not exactly the high life, but it is what I would like my life to look like.  If I'd done some yoga and been for a walk.  

I love yoga, I must do some properly soon. 

I need to go to bed...I will be so tired tomorrow.  I want to read my bible.

I've decided to start reading through Joshua.  I looked through my Bible to see where I last finished up and it was at the end of Deuteronomy, so Joshua is next.  I'm kind of exciting to see what I will discover.  One of the most eye opening seasons of reading the bible for me was my trip through the minor prophets.  It was like going on some archeological dig - there was all this rubble and then every now and then this amazing gem of a sentence or passage.  And the themes that came through of redemption and change were just fabulous.

Freaking fantastic.  Anyway, I had a similar experience in Deut. so I'm hoping to repeat in Joshua.

We'll see.

Love love love

I am in love with long weekends.  I'm in love with sleeping in.  I'm in love with doing nothing.  I'm in love with having enough money to have fun with.  I'm in love with listening to music (Dixie Chicks).  I'm in love with my Mac.  I'm in love with having an easy life.  I'm in love with having a good job to look forward to.  I'm in love with my life right now.  I'm in love with the One who takes care of me and in whom I live and breathe and have my being.  

I wrote this song a while back, still resonates:

Today I woke up far away from you

A stranger where such love had been before

And now it's all so broken, nothing works without you

Oh come to me and take me where you will

Past the heads, past the hills, past the soft places to fall

To the sea, where I'm with you and you're with me

It's not so complicated, just to be where you are.

I tried to find you, I still thought I could

But you're quiet and not easily swayed

You hid in all the places that I looked

Until I gave up

And you came and took me out

Out past the heads, past the hills,

Past the soft places to fall

Out to see, where I'm with you and you're with me

It's not so complicated, just to be, where you are.

I really love the way things sound.  I love at my job, the plastic packets that all the consents come in because of the way they sound when you handle them.  I buy earrings and necklaces as much by the way they sound as the way they look.  I wanted to be a check out chick because I like the sound of the beep when they scan something.  I love my Mac because of the sound the keys make when I type.

The funny thing is, that I'm deaf in one ear.  I'm deaf, and I like sound.  But I'm a singer and I'm obsessed with harmonies so I guess it does make sense.  Oh and I write a lot of poetry and poetry is almost entirely about sound.

Anyway, whatever.

Tears

Hysterical

Besties

My very best friend in the whole world, Simona, went away for three whole weeks recently and I missed her like crazy.  We've been best friends for something like five years now, and we became close during one of the most difficult times in my life.

But it's such a catch 22, once you start denying that you're gay, you seem so much more gay.  It is funny.  I just don't care now.  If people think we're gay I have no problem with that.  I guess it could be difficult for any future man I am involved with, maybe could raise questions for him if people maybe thought I was like trying not to be gay or something.  It's such a hypothetical it's not worth thinking or worrying about.

I feel so lucky that I am not lonely, I know that lots of single people are.  I guess there are two things that make singleness difficult for me, firstly the longing for masculine physical touch (which is the best way I can describe the deep longing I occasionally experience) and the second would be commitment.  Simona and I are best friends and have been for five years and I imagine we always will be.  But we never commit to that, nor should or could we.  When you marry someone you make promises, but I don't think it's right to limit anyone else's freedom like that.  So there's a certain insecurity that you always have as a single person, that you are always alone in a sense that you aren't when you're married.  I live with the constant knowledge that it is likely Simona will marry and I may not, that I may end up being alone in a more poignant way than I am now.  It's not painful, it's just a somewhat unsettling knowledge that drives me closer to God and is therefore incredibly significant.

Having a friend like Simona is a revelation.  It is so amazing to find a friend who is so like you and yet so unlike you.  It is the best thing to have someone in your life who you don't have to filter for.  I am so freaking lucky.

We have had a really rough couple of years in terms of stress through study and it's put a huge strain on our friendship.  Especially last year.  There were times last year when I wondered, and I know Simona did, whether our friendship would actually survive.  Communication is the absolute key to any relationship and it's the hardest thing to do sometimes.  When you feel at your lowest ebb and you have no resource left, it's very hard to be emotionally rational and to care more for others than for self.  Love is hard work sometimes.

It's so nice now to have a bit more of a normal life and to see our friendship kind of blossom again as we remember all the great things we have in common and all the values and dreams that we share.  It's so nice also to have room in myself again to have normal relationships with my other friends.  I am really lucky to have some really special friendships and they have all suffered over the last two years.  I feel so excited about spending time with those people and reconnecting.  

I feel more ready to emerge from the hermitage.

This is my very first blog from my brand new Macbook.  It's so flash!  Gah, it's so nice.  Weird getting used to a new system you know, but I'm starting to find my way around kind of.  

Life is so good at the moment, but even when life is good there's always the constant background of 'stuff' that goes on all the time.  You know, the old hurts or traumas, the frustrations, the un-forgiveness, the run of the mill, day to day things that just kind of have to be maintained or something.  And of course all the family and friend 'issues' that you have to work at, that never get better really or worse, but just travel the same well worn paths over and over.

Church is a big one for me.  I just, I don't know.  I left my old church quite a while back in reality, and relatively recently in theory.  I don't know where to go from here. I'd like to be all PC and go to a local church but, frankly, I'm bored at those churches.  I just feel lost.  Honestly, I don't want to go to church at all.  Well, that's not strictly true, I want to go to church, I just don't want to belong or commit to a church.  In all honesty I'm scared.  I've had my hopes up and been disillusioned a number of time by churches, which is ridiculous I know, but nevertheless true.  I feel, well not exactly jaded, just a bit vulnerable and damaged I guess.

It's rough because I always thought of myself as a big church goer.  I think church is really important, I think it's important to be reminded every sunday or whatever, how important this relationship is.  I just, I just don't know what to do or where to go from here.

I feel a bit lost.  A bit, I don't know, adrift or something.  A bit uneasy and afraid.

Vulnerable.

But, you know, happy etc.  

Nasty sins

I think pride is the nastiest of all sins. It's certianly one I struggle with all the time. And when I say that, I realise how utterly ridiculous it is that I ever even cling to the smallest shred of pride.

I am utterly berift of any ability to do the things I want to do, or to prevent myself doing the things i don't want to do, as Paul so neatly pointed out. I think only I know how actually crap I am.

That doesn't engender any guilt or shame in me, but it is a startling revelation nonetheless. I mean, human = crap in general, so I guess it just makes me human!

I just, I hate pride, I hate cynicism. It makes me sick. I hate it because I am proud and cycnical. Which is ridiculous.

But the thing that I love about Christ and Christianity, above all other things, is grace. Grace is not just the antithesis of pride and cynicism, it's actually the antidote. When you experiance, when I experiance grace, pride and cynicism become utterly irrelevant.

Grace is the very best thing that exists in the world, aside perhaps from love. Grace is everything. Grace is the full stop and capital letter of every sentence.

Grace is. Everyday. Every day.

I think i blog because i'm lonely

But I'm not really lonely. I really miss Sumo. And I really miss Alfie (the cat).

But I LOVE my job. Got my first consents to do today, so exciting. I feel like I'm going to be really good at this job. Very great feeling. Terribly difficult though, walking the line between confidence and over confidence. I'm nervous of crossing it without realising, one way or the other.

Scary.

Life is so good right now, it is amazing. It does make me nervous though. Life has been good but difficult for so long, it's weird to have life be good and easy. Makes me wonder what is about to happen! Maybe it's just a new phase.

Oh gotta go watch Lost.

First night of freedom.

Made dinner and did the dishes.

Knitted maybe 10 rows.

Watched tele.

Helped Juls study for her test.

Played on the Internet.

Thought about: what do I want my life to look like now? (I'm becoming a Planner!)

Check these out, these are gorgeous: here.

Hat tip: here.

The big news is:

Today I handed in my Dissertation - all 31 872 words on 97 pages of it.

I kind over overshot the mark somewhat.

I'm stoked with it, I worked so hard and I'm pleased with the work.

I cannot, cannot, cannot believe that I am actually finished and my life is my own again.

It's so freaken' weird.

I'm free! And I'm knitting. Tonight I went to my friend's house, and we sat on the couch and knitted and watched season 1 of the West Wing. (I've seen it like fifty times, still love it).

It was the best.

I'm actually free. Bizzare.

I'm so incredibly emotional at the moment, it's quite ridiculous.

But, I actually like it.

Moons and moons ago, when I was but 16 tender years old, I realised that I'd really shut my emotions down entirely. I had been terribly hurt by this one particular person and I couldn't bear it so I just decided I wouldn't feel it. I actually remember the moment, so weird.

Anyways, I started to recognise that I didn't respond in emotionally appropriate ways anymore, flat out freaked me out.

So the upshot was I talked to God about it and there was this verse God gave me in Ezekial - it said: I will take away your hard of stone and give you a heart of flesh, and I will put my spirit in you.

Well, it was just so for me in that particular moment. Just like always, it wasn't instant, it took many years actually - perhaps all the years between then and now (all 12 of them), of just slowly opening up and softening up. I kind of feel that I'm really starting to be sort of normal emotionally. Like I cried when my cat was put down and I cried when Simona left for Indo. Normal kind of reactions.

Felt FANTASTIC.

Feel like I've got that heart of flesh back. Feel like maybe I've come full circle in some way.

It's good, very good.

Plus now I can play my guitar, do puzzles, knit and play playstation again.

YES!

Joy

Today you came and walked with me
beside the river.

You walked beside me
and
it made me weep.

ipod

Oh I do love my ipod.

Wow I'm extremely tired right now, such a familier feeling. I've stayed up so many nights writing assignments, and you just get to this point where you're so tired your tongue is numb. You can't type. You misspell everything.

I am at that point.

I'm SO tired.

BUT the good news is I've basically finished my dissertation, apart from a lot of fixing and possibly hours worth of formating. So exciting.

Bad news is, I had to put my cat down. Wept tears.

Good news, my car got a warrent no problem, so it's finally legal again (don't tell Dad).

Bad news, my cousin is dying of cancer. (But I don't really know her, so can't claim any real loss for myself, just a sad thing)

Good news, amazing news, is one of my good friend's brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, had til Christmas, is still alive and actually had his first scan in six months and is essentially cancer free. Doctors amazed. When i heard me and Simona had the most powerful sense, each individually, that we should pray for healing for him. We really felt he would be healed. So we prayed, and then the burden left us....and oh my goodness he's healed. AMAZING. I love it. I know you could explain it away, but hey, I believe it.

Bad news is, I'm so tired.

Good news is...I can go to sleep content that I've done heaps of work.

I love my ipod.

And odd ends and bits

I'm sitting on Simona's bed, with Simona and Jules, working on my dissertation. Well, not working on my dissertation. This week, we have to put our cat down, it's so sad. But I've really been learning a lot about coping with tough stuff. I think the best thing is to tell it to God, to give it to God and then to focus on all the good things. To distract your mind. I'm becoming rather good at it.

It's not so much about surpressing thoughts, because of course that's totally futile. It's about surrender and submission, and then just taking another path in your mind.

I'm having a God is so good phase.

Here's another piece:

That's it.
You're too good.
Your love is too good.

I feel like a pool of nothing in your enormous something.

But I'm not
I'm something to you.


-ooOOoo-

That's how I'm feeling right now. God is so good.

Plus I've been thinking about vegetarianism. The problem is, I really love meat. Don't know what to think about it.

Midnight

Yes, it is midnight and I should be sleeping but I am wide awake. I have been on the blogs, irritated by some, inspired by others. I read these blogs of these people who are just so self important, even though they try to come across humble, or maybe try to convince themselves they are humble. But it's all just rubbish, just clanging symbols, just a bunch of oneupmanship. And then I read my sisters blog, my big sister. Her blog is honest and real and authentic and empowering.

I love that word empowering. It's actually my favourite word at the moment. I'm all about empowerment. I am learning to let go of guilt and shame, because they are ungodly. I am learning to love myself and be at peace. I am learning to rest in Christ, who I can trust with all I am and all I have.

I have grown so much over the last few years. It might not show, but inside I am a woman now. I wrote this poem once:

I know who I am.
I am who I always wanted to be.

I was quite young at the time, that was almost 10 years ago. And then, after writing that in a moment of total clarity, it was all stolen, and also I let it be stolen.

But it's back you know.

I know who I am.
I am who I always wanted to be.

I am funny and thoughtful and strong and sensitive and powerful and unique and creative and hard working and smart and beautiful. Sometimes I see myself through my own eyes and I really love myself.

Oh I'm fallen alright, I'm fallen.

But I know that. I think in a weird way that shame is just a reflection of pride. when you allow yourself to feel shame you imply that you could possible be perfect. Well, I don't believe that for a second. I know I'm not perfect. I don't feel bad about that, if I did it would kind of be like feeling guilty about not being able to fly. I know that I sin, that I fall short, that I am human. God forgives. God accepts. God perfects. At the moment I see in part, but one day I will know in full, even as I am fully Known.

I'm free.

I know who I am.
I am who I always wanted to be.

For Brenna: Your Next Clue:

"And his black and white cat"...

Update

Well, Debs (Hi Deb!) commented on my last blog, asking if I'd gone back to church yet. Well, I hadn't really stopped going to church, just gone less frequently and with less enthusiasm. However, I have been going back to church more often of late. In Tonga I went to church a couple of times, and even though I really couldn't understand any of the services, for some reason they really made me want to go back to church when I got back. So far it's been good. I have some REALLY good friends at my church, and I love seeing them. The worship music is awesome and I've really been enjoying it. It's nice to make space like that in my week just to spend with God and other Christians. I feel good that I've been going. Everything I said in my last post is really still true, except since then I've found that my other friends at church feel somewhat the same way. I don't know, it makes me feel better.

I'm exhausted. Just totally exhausted. Studying is so hard, keeping everything together is so hard. My resources are really stretched to breaking point. I had to cut down my hours so now I've even less money than before. I'm broke, tired, sick and overworked. But going to church makes me feel better now, so that's good.

Ah consumerism. It's what gets me through.

I honestly dont know if I'm going to publish or not

Although now I suspect I will.

I am totally at sea about church. I really feel totally lost. I've been maybe 5 or six times this year. Maybe more. Maybe more like 10-15. I love Elim. It was the first place I went that I wanted to belong to. I really did. There are such great people there. I want them to like me so much it hurts.

But I have changed so much sometimes I barely recognise myself. I was obssessed with church and serving God. I never missed a service. I loved doing youth stuff, I loved going to church. Then it all came crashing down in a way that makes me feel physically sick to remember. I remember when it finally broke me, when I stood with Amy in a toilet cubicle, sobbing, because Alan had resigned. It really broke me.

And it changed me too. I can't get attached. I wandered around churches for a while which was so healing for me. Then I went to Elim and I wanted to settle down, to start to belong. But I've just never gotten in. I have some REALLY good friends at Elim. Helen is one of the coolest people I ever met. But I still feel on the outside. It's really my fault maybe because my attendance has been so sporadic. But sometimes I think its more. Maybe they feel like I look down my nose because I'm educated or something. Maybe I do! Maybe I'm too liberal, too feminist. I don't know.

I love the Pentecostal church. I really can't imagine going to back to the Baptists or any other denomination. I really love the passion, I sense the rightness of the acceptance of the gifts of the Spirit, of the way the Pentecostal church worships the Spirit. Other churches seem boring to me, I can't connect, they seem superficial. I'm not saying they are, I'm just saying...well that I'm a pentecostal at heart. I like happy clappy. I like half decent music. I like passion and I like it simple.

But I hate the prosperity doctrine and I voted for the Greens. I supported the so-called 'anti-smacking' bill. I supported the civil union bill. I do oppose abortion and I'm definitely not keen on the prostitution reform bill. GAH!!! Where oh where will I ever fit?

It scares me, it really does. I feel kind of lost, adrift on a sea of uncertianty. I believe in The Church. I believe it's important for me to be a part of it. But, right now, even when I do have time and I'm not writing 8000 words on Monitoring and Evaluation until 3:00 in the morning on a Sunday night, even then I still don't to go to church. Because it makes me tired. It really tires me out.

Me and Simona sing this song about once an hour at the moment when we're studying. This is really all I have room for right now.

Could I just sit here a while...know that there's nothing that I need to say....safe in the knowledge that you know my ways and love me completely...no need to hide a thing.

I want to go to church. I want to want to go to church.

Recipe

Fish and Chips, with Coleslaw (for two)

400 grams of fresh, skinned Hoki fillet
1 Heaped Tablespoon Flour
About 1 Teaspoon All Purpose Seasoning
1 Table Spoon Garlic Margarine (Optional)

400 grams Birds Eye Shoe String Chips (The Lightest and So YUMMY).

Red Cabbage
Normal Cabbage (does it have a name?)
Carrot
Red Onion
Light Coleslaw Dressing (Signature Range is effectively free)

Preheat oven to 230C. Lay out chips in single layer. Cook for approximately 10-15min til brown. Turn once while cooking if you can be bothered.

Mix flour and seasoning. Rub onto one side of fish. Melt Garlic Margarine (or use spray oil) in large frying pan, set to a medium-high heat. When hot, lay fish seasoning side down in pan. Cover and cook until the fish begins to break apart. NOTE: don't turn the fish over, it will fall apart. Not turning the fish cooks it perfectly and means it's lovely and brown on one side. For the last few minutes, turn the frypan up to high if you like your fish a bit crispy.

Whilst cooking, finely cut cabbage, grate carrot and cut the red onion very fine. Mix and add a heaped tablespoon of dressing (to your liking).

Total points: 6.5

8000 Words

30+ pages.

That's how long my dissertation proposal is.

My dissertation is only supposed to be 10,000 words.

So I guess I'll have three months to write 2,000 words.

Or not.

If you want to hear me on a total rampage, just ask me what its about. Poor Danielle, she didn't know what she was getting herself into.

I've become SUCH geek. But at least this time around I kind of like it.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

4x5

It was a great day!

I was aware, when I was walking, of all those who've graduated before me.

I thought about all the women who struggled and braved hardship so that today I could graduate.

I thought of all the support I had during my three years. From my Dad. From my Mum. From Simona, Danielle, Shaun...

Thanks be to You, always.

Angels

Well, my bloggings have been sporadic and crappy now haven't they! What to say, what to say. I was reading back over my blog and found the one about how happy and balanced my life was.

Well, those days are gone.

Okay, not totally, but studying at this level is hard. I didn't really expect it. I kind of thought it would just be like third year again. But it's not, it's way harder. It's way better, but it's also harder. I wasn't sure if I'd like postgrad. People always said 'oh if you didn't like undergrad, you'll like post grad'. Well, I loved undergrad! But postgrad is better. What do these terms mean? Undergrad is everything until you get your degree. When you have a degree and you keep coming back for more, then your postgrad. Or certifiably insane. You choose.

So life is weird at the moment. Let's not indulge all the gory details, but suffice to say, things take unexpected turns and it's hard to know how you're supposed to feel. I've been through guilt, sadness, hopelessness, happiness and guilt again. I feel agony one moment and total disconnection the next. I get sympathy and I don't feel like I deserve it. But then I feel so much pain again....and I think, yeah, bring on the sympathy!

I'm not sure anyone reads this anymore anyway, so I'm just blabbing out my feelings. I've not blogged for ages because mainly I was scared I'd end up talking about good old Section 59. Which I'd rather not! Poor Brodie, he has banned me, Danielle, Shaun and Simona from discussing it because he's so bored of it! Lol. He's right. I think public discussion is good, but lets keep this blog a family show and let sleeping dogs...sleep. I have enough stress.

I bought my first size 8 top. THE EXCITEMENT.

I've gotten heaps of assignments back and done really well except for one errant B+. I know, I know, it's still a good mark, but it was 1 mark short of an A- to keep my perfect no B record. Outrageous.

I am becoming more and more of a geek. I find so many things interesting. If someone talks to you about their interest and they're really into it, it becomes interesting. So far I have become fascinated with New Zealand Salmon, high country land tenure review processes and once a day milking. I am a geek people, I really am.

I've also become a travel geek. My latest obsession is going to Cambodia. I watched this documentary about it. There was a city there that, whilst London had a few hundred inhabitants, was home to 1 million people! It was 1000 square kilometres which is extremely low density. Which is why it collapsed eventually, because they farmed to much and cut down all the trees. Lessons to learn here people, lessons to learn.

I really love environmental stuff. One of my papers is about the theories of environmental and resource management. It's so fascinating! I hope I can indulge this passion in my career.

Love Where Is Your Fire

I don't know how to explain my feelings, but Brooke does:

Love, where is your fire?
I've been sitting here smoking away
Making signals with sticks and odd ends and bits
But still there's no sign of a flame

Imposters have been passing
Offering a good-feeling glow
But I'm holding out for what you are about
An inferno that burns to the bone

Some urge me to be temperate
Lukewarm will never do

`Cos I wanna blaze with you
So I'm holding my heart out to you
Holding my heart out

So I stand, handing out torches
Speaking words that are lamps to their feet
`Til the time when you come and I'm whole and we are one
And the fire in me is complete

Some tell me to be moderate
But lukewarm will never do

Now I know I'll blaze with you
So I'm holding my heart out to you
Holding my heart out

Then a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind
That I'll offer you me and you'll politely decline
So I hasten to mute it
I'll shout and rebuke it
Away, away, away, away, away, away....

`Cos I wanna blaze with you
So I'm holding my heart out to you
Holding my heart out

Why I Am An Idiot

I am an idiot because I forgot about applying to graduate, and now I'm too late. By one day.

I mean, I'll still get my certificate, but I miss out on wearing the pretty gown thing.

GUTTED.

Rehab

I am sitting on my lounge chair in the kitchen. I am surrounded by crunchie bar wrappers. I am still typing my assignment at 11:32.

But I also had the best worship ever at church tonight and then I went off to the Lantern festival. It was so cool! I love lanterns. (There's a joke in there for you Helen).

Now, do some yoga, go to bed.

Find out what smells and get rid of it first though.

Ugh.

Rubbish bins.

I’m sorry that you turned to driftwood...

So anyways, about my dieting. Many of my regular readers know I’ve been dieting since about the 4th of April last year. Between April and December I lost 25 kilos. I then took a break of a couple of months over summer, in which term I gained about 3 kilos. I figure every summer I’ll gain a couple of kilos over Christmas/New Years, and then loose it in the new year, so I didn’t regard this as any great worry.

Getting back on the dieting wagon was pretty hard – VERY hard actually. But last Monday I climbed back on for real and lost a happy two kilos. This, combined with the one I lost on some much less serious dieting, means I back at the lightest I’ve ever been. Another week is nearly done and I’m fairly confident I’ve lost another. I only have about 10 or 11 to get down to my goal. This should occur somewhere in May/June.

It really creeps me out that in a few short months I’ll be skinny. Like, actually skinny. Not horrible bony skinny, just nice, cute, petite, skinny. My entire adult life I’ve been the fat one. Now I’m pretty much a normal size, and then I’ll be little. Wow, it’s such a mind-blowing thing. It just goes to show you can do whatever you set your mind too.

I can’t wait to write my “I’ve arrived” blog post.

Early on in my dieting career I discovered yoga and I’ve rediscovered the joy again! I’m okay at most physical things – I can run around and swim and bike all right, but I’m never good. But yoga, well I’m good at yoga. I’m naturally really flexible, and it’s just so nice to do something you feel like you could be really great at. I’m doing some reading about Christian yoga and I feel like this could be a life long hobby for me. Lots of the aspects of mediation and quietness from the Psalms can be incorporated into yoga techniques to make it a cool spiritual exercise simultaneously.
I’m really feeling nice and balanced at the moment – studying, exercising, eating really well, spending time with my friends, reading the bible and going to church – everything is going really sweetly at the moment. It’s nice.

Lent and Everything After

So, again, I am lenting. Last year, soft drink, this year takeaways. Now some of you unprincipled cynics might think that’s because of my dieting, but NO. Well, obviously it makes it easier to diet when you don’t ‘take away’, but seriously. I’m not that desperate.

Why do I do Lent? I do Lent because I believe in spiritual discipline, and because I love participating in tradition.

Firstly, I regard spiritual discipline as an important part of any spiritual life with God. It’s a way of remembering that relationships don’t just happen – they require effort and commitment. It’s a way of focusing on what’s really important. It’s a way that I take control over my body and my choices rather than just submitting to my superficial desires. It’s a way of identifying with the sacrifices that Christ made for me. It’s a way of showing my love, an act of loving if you will. It’s a sign that I am set apart, that I set myself apart. It’s part of submission – it’s a small act that symbolizes my submission.

Secondly, it’s a part of the Christian tradition. It’s a thing Christians have done for hundreds of years. It’s a way of stepping into the line of Christians that stretches far about behind me, and also before me. It carries it on. I am part of a Body of Believers across time and space. I feel more connected when I join them.

So, Lent has come and I am craving Indian. And doing something precious and valuable and unique.

Hallelujah Song

Oh yeah, I just got a great new job. Well, it's like a few hours a week and I still have to work at Smelly Ballys, but hey. I have prospects! I have more money! I have a real grown up job! Kind of.

OH YEAH! I'm stoked.

Feels like home to me

Yep, I've been in Okains Bay for four beautiful days. It really does feel like home - I've had upwards of 6 holidays there. Some with my family - some with Simona's, some with my friends.

For the last three mornings I have awoken to waves crashing, birds singing, children screaming their way down the flying fox and, okay, once some animal trying to chew through my tent. Oh and a terrible Maori welcome impersonation this morning.

I really had a holiday. I let my insides relax. I ate - well terribly (sorry fellow weight watchers). I only have six days of actual work left.

Even World War 7 can't get me down.

Plus I have a new top.

I love shopping.

Nature enter me

So Waitangi day is almost upon us in all its cringing glory. It sparks conversation even here in the paragon of white New Zealand – Ballantynes. And my co-workers were discussing Treaty claims along the lines of “if the Maoris (sic) had been treated like the Aboriginals in Australia, they’d really have something to complain about”.

And I mean, who can argue with this logic? I think all white New Zealand should give ourselves a big pat on the back for our moral fortitude in not perpetrating mass murder upon the Maori. I mean, how dare they complain about a little land theft, when we magnanimously left them with their lives? Well, ya know, mostly.

I’m still extracting my fingernails out of my palms and my teeth out of my upper jaw. As Simona so wisely advises:

Word on the street has it that one should just stay out of ignorant race based discussions and explain them away with the fact that people are simply poorly educated (which is not one’s responsibility to fix)

As (co worker) Paul says “you make me tired”

I’m lucky, lucky lucky lucky.

I am.

I am lucky.

Make that blessed.

Top Ten Reasons Why I am Blessed

1. I have found my passion and can spend my life living in that.
2. I come from a loving family, and have an awesome relationship with my parents.
3. My best friend is the best friend a girl could have.
4. I live in New Zealand, and this means I get to go camping in beautiful places, with great friends.
5. I can sing and write.
6. God Loves Me and I Love Them, all Three in One (and we, all of us, know it).
7. I have really truly great friends who inspire to be just like them (and also, serve as warnings of how not to be….J)
8. I have so much to look forward to – holidays, jobs, people, music, dreams and ambitions.
9. I’ve done the coolest things – camping for a month in the NI, the Rail Trail, tramping to Lake Daniels, mini-breaks with various people, road trips with Simona…
10. I love who I am, and who I am becoming

Yep. I am blessed.

So go on, I dare you. Post the Top Ten Reasons Why YOU are Blessed. Or comment them.

I’m accepted by the one who matters most

AND Lincoln University.

Yep, it’s true. I’m officially accepted into their Masters of Applied Science programme. My particular specialization is International Rural Development.

Basically I will be learning about the process of development as it applies to the rural sector of international……well….nations.

I’M SO EXCITED! I just can’t wait to get started.

Plus, I get to go to Samoa for 10 days to visit a real live project.

The world is a good and beautiful place (even if Greenland is loosing 400 cubic kilometers of ice very year…panic stations…)

Anchor Me In the Middle of Your Deep Blue Sea

So anyways, the key word for me these last few years has been surrender. I’ve been learning to lay down my agenda and let God “take me where you will”. YOU lead ME has been pretty much my motto. It’s been a life changing thing. Learning to release my wants and needs and allowing God to meet them in his own way has been frightening and freeing. But it came from a place of knowing of his love for me.

It kind of all began at Parachute a few years ago. I was in serious pain from a year or three of battering (O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted…). I was dying inside really. I went to one of the night concerts and quite honestly, everything changed. Tree 63 was playing – I’d never heard them before. They had the lyrics up on the screen and one of their first songs literally changed my life.

It goes like this:

Can we hang out tonight underneath Your ceiling
I could stare up at a million lights and listen to You breathing
If I fall fast asleep it's just because I feel so safe in You
It won't take much to wake me up

Could I walk out to sea way beyond these breakers
We have no place amongst the movers and the shakers
Yours is the only throne I'll ever get down on my knees before
You have the whole of me

Lover come away
Come away my lover

I heard You say
You've stolen my heart with one glance of Your eyes
When I fell down You raised me up
That's gravity

Yours is the only throne I'll ever get down on my knees before
You have the whole of me

Lover come away
When I fell down you were standing there waiting for me
You picked me up, welcomed me home
That's gravity

Won't You come away
Won't You come away with me
Lover of my soul

I stood there and cried and cried. I was overwhelmed with the knowledge that He loved me and also, that I loved him.

Another lyric said “they tell me to abandon you to make all my dreams come true. Well what am I supposed to do, I only dream of you”. It was a crazy moment because simultaneously I knew that I loved him and he loved me. Real deep passionate love like oceans and skies and mountains.

Perhaps the key line in the song above was this “yours is the only throne I’ll ever get down on my knees before”. This for me totally sums up the surrender that I needed to make. The throne that I had always bowed down to was the throne of myself – my desires, my passions, my fears, wants, needs, insecurities – my agenda. But no, that night at Parachute, I sang the words from the song and they’ve stayed with me ever since.

Anyways, the big change for me now is moving past surrender into submission. For me now, it’s not enough to just say ‘here is my life’ (YOU lead ME) but to actually submit myself to him. I come to him with my feelings (most often) and I give them to him – not just to keep but also to do with what he will. Make sense?

This a bit of a random blog, but just had to get some of these thoughts out and in an order of some kind.

I have a lot of FEELINGS at the moment – some woken up from a long sleep. Good ones and terrible bad ones. Some people who’ve been out of my life for ages have come back in. Some of these people stimulate good feelings and some not so good. I thought I’d dealt with a whole bunch of stuff but here it is – stirred back up.

I thought I was over it! But no. So back to the submission drawing board, time to let him have his way in me.

YOURS is the only throne I’ll ever get down on my knees before.

Wrap your arms around my love handles

Okay, I’m getting on my hobby horse.

One of them.

As a kid, as a teenager and then as a young adult I was taught to think that being single was some kind of temporary affliction. Temporary because everyone gets married and affliction because single = lonely, unfulfilled and not yet fully mature. People would say “don’t worry, God’s got someone out there for you” or (and this is my favourite) “when you’re ready, it will happen”. The first assumes that God’s plan for everyone is marriage and the second, that being single is a result of immaturity.

I felt I could never be happy while I was single, that great moments were marred because there was “no one to share them with”. I felt I was missing out on my great purpose because I was single.

Total rubbish, all of it.

It was like a lightening bolt of truth when I realized the loneliest, unhappiest women I knew were married. These women who kept telling me when I was ready or when I stopped wanting it I’d find someone, they were so unhappy! Somewhere along the line, I was being hoodwinked.

My early twenties were rough but as I drew closer to God, things got better and my life opened up. I left my old church and found safety and inspiration elsewhere. I made new friends. I went to University. I started to make plans that were all mine and no one else’s.

I am absolutely content, utterly happy and excited about the future. I am never lonely. I never feel unfulfilled. I am passionate about my life, my friends, my calling. I have so much to do and see.

Marriage is great, but it’s not for everyone. We assume that everyone will marry, save those unfortunate souls no one wants. What utter rubbish. Paul said: if you can’t control yourself then get married because better that than fall into sin (!). But, he said, if you can stay single, do, because then you can give your whole heart to God.

Well, I like being single. I actually don’t want to meet anyone. I mean, if it happens, it happens. But often when I think of the reality of being in a relationship I realize I don’t want it because it would disrupt my life. This may change and I may meet some lovely man who I want to share my life with. But if not, well, all is well because whatever God chooses for me is what I want.

I think we need to stop assuming that getting married is God’s plan for us unless we hear otherwise. Marriage is not a default setting. We should be seeking God and asking Them (Father, Son, Spirit) for guidance.

You Lead Me.

Just in case

Just in case someone didn't know what 21 kilos looked like.

(Or someone shoot that fat woman).

Seriously.



I've shrunk!

I'm back.

I'm back, again. I have a huge journal thing to do, but the library is so warm and I feel sleepy. So I am blogging - giving you, my readers, my very best!

I'm supposed to be writing about old age as it relates to globalisation and the politics of need. Not the most inspiring topic.

Instead, how about I tell you that I went to 'An Inconvenient Truth' which you can read about here. It's about global warming basically, and very well presented by Mr Al Gore. It is excellent really - heavy on facts, but they are presented so well that its not overwhelming. It is, I think, probably overly optimistic. I am not certian that we can actually prevent the disasters that Mr Gore terrifys us with. I mean, perhaps it is physically possible, but I think not actually possible in reality. Hope I'm wrong!

I felt like crying most of the way through it. I just love this earth. It's so indescribably beautiful and perfect. So thoughtfully put together. It fills me with grief that we may so destroy it. And for what? Material wealth. It's such a tragedy to me.

Meanwhile, as part of my course, I also watched this doco on sustainable farming in New Zealand - well it was about organic farming. It was so thrillingly inspiring (yes, I am a geek). It makes such perfect sense. I would like to be an organic farmer. After I've cured world poverty and been a museum curator.

So much to do, so little time! If only I had been born when we still lived to 900 years old.

So I'm back. I should actually say that HOPEFULLY this week I will have reached a bit of a milestone in my life. Since April I've been working hard on diet and exercise, and I've somehow managed to loose almost 20 kilos. Well, this week hopefully I will reach 20. It's a massive undertaking for me, not so much the diet and exercise, although that's pretty major. More mentally and emotionally. I knew when I started that this had to be more spiritual and than physical. There's this verse in the Bible that says that physical discipline has some merit, but so much more does spiritual discipline. So right off I knew that was the key for me.

See I have this huge mental mountain inside that says I am physically not good enough. Partly because I see myself as obese and disgusting, but even more that I believe I cannot make my body do what I want it too. This is why I never pushed myself physically, because I thought there was no point. However, I've started to challenge this core beliefs, and slowly and painfully they are starting to change. It's very hard. You see, much of the time, when I look in the mirror I cannot see any difference, even though I know that 20 kilos is a heck of a lot. I am starting to be able to see it, but it's very hard. That is quite devastating for me, because I feel sometimes like it's been pointless and I've achieved nothing.

However, I'm slowly changing - mostly thanks to God's working in me.

He whispers "I am always with you".

My life lights up.