Tears on my face, in my heart

Because of this song (see vid in last post):

Indiscriminate Act Of Kindness :
She came from the cold wet
Dropped her luggage bags
Looked the concierge in the eye
Said, "I need a room for the night,
But I don't got no money.
Would you take payment of any kind?"

He said, "It's alright
I got a room here, you can share mine.
Make the bed in the morning and that'll do fine.
You can change in the bathroom,
Hang your clothes on the line."
A tear came to her eye
She thought how could he be so kind
How could he be so kind (x2)

She sat down on the bed with a needle
He said, "I'd hate to see you bleed,
Just fetch a warm towel,
I'll sit with you til you're dry."
She started to cry
Said, "Why? why? why? why? why? why?"

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness.
(x3)

She was cold turkey
He was holding her hand
She said, "I was ruined by man,
This was never in my plans.
I dreamed of men who loved me,
Together we'd see the world.
Somehow I lost myself among the insults they hurled."

"I'm sure your a wonderful woman,
And someday there will surely be someone.
So just relax now, it's important that you're calm."

She said, "How is it you can see past me as I am?"

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness.
(x3)

"When you took your chances,
It was like you placed a bet.
And sometimes this is the reward you can get.
I was always taught
If you see someone defiled,
You should look them in the eyes and smile,
And take their heart, no better yet
Take them home, home, home."

She awoke early in the morning
Made the bed, gathered up her clothes to leave
Saw the concierge curled on the settee
Said, "What you did for me was hard for me to believe."

"I was just doing what was right.
No one that knows love could leave you out there on such a night.
If you can help someone, 
Bare this in mind 
And consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness."

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness.

Poetry Day!

Unthinkably good music right here:

Friday was Montana Poetry Day here in NZ, and in its honour, let me wax a little lyrical about poetry itself.  I never really caught the poetry bug until after I left school, when I started haunting book stores and flicking through their poetry sections.  I found a poetry book by Jewel (the singer) and her voice really captured my attention.  Here was poetry that didn't need translation, it spoke my language.  My own writing started to take off to, when I left behind the irritations of structure and rhyme and instead focussed on writing straight from my experiance, trying to write the truth.  

My poetry tastes have matured since then, and the last few years I have become totally enamored with New Zealand poetry, particularly poetry about the New Zealand landscape.

I don't for sure know why I love poetry so much, what it is about poetry that so captures my attention, but I find it so perfect and so truthful.  I am a very sensory person, and I think poetry is a artform that brings together sensory information.  I love to hear people's voices, and poetry has a capacity to allow a person's voice to speak in a way that is at once personal and public.

On Friday I went along to hear some poets read their own work and a favourite of someone elses.  If I had been asked, here is the poem I would have read of my own:

Listen:  here

An Ode to the Botanic Gardens

That time of the year again, the ever-greens are ever green as ever

but those insufferable deciduous models,

are pulling on their showy coats, all reds and yellows,

All, "look at me!  I'm on fire! I glow like incadence! I light up the world with my impossibly beautiful leaves, each impossibly unique!

Look at me!  Slowly, letting it fall, slowly showing you my 

shapely,

dark,

strong 

body,

my arms slow dancing, my discarded garments scrambling for cover on

an Autumn wind"

The favourite poem I would have chosen to share, much harder to choose, but I think I'd go with this one, a recent favourite, combining my love of NZ poetry with my love for the Peninsula:

Listen (to me read it, she's dead!): here

The Long Harbour

There are three valleys where the warm sun lingers, 
gathered to a green hill girt-about anchorage, 
and gently, gently, at the cobbled margin 
of fire-formed, time-smoothed, ocean-moulded curvature, 
a spent tide fingers the graven boulders, 
the black, sea-bevelled stones.

The fugitive hours, in those sun-loved valleys, 
Implacable hours, their golden-wheeled chariots’ 
inaudible passage check, and slacken 
their restless teams’ perpetual galloping; 
and browsing, peaceable sheep and cattle 
gaze as they pause by the way.

Grass springs sweet where once thick forest 
gripped vales by fire and axe freed to pasturage; 
but flame and blade have spared the folding gullies, 
and there, still, the shade-flitting, honey-sipping lutanists 
copy the dropping of tree-cool waters 
dripping from stone to stone.

White hawthorn hedge from old, remembered England, 
and orchard white, and whiter bridal clematis 
the bush-bequeathed, conspire to strew the valleys 
in tender spring, and blackbird, happy colonist, 
and blacker, sweeter-fluted tui echo 
either the other’s song.

From far, palm-feathery, ocean-spattered islands 
there rowed hither dark and daring voyagers; 
and Norseman, Gaul, the Briton and the German 
sailed hither singing; all these hardy venturers 
they desired a home, and have taken their rest there, 
and their songs are lost on the wind.

I have walked here with my love in the early spring-time, 
and under the summer-dark walnut-avenues, 
and played with the children, and waited with the aged 
by the quayside, and listened alone where manukas 
sighing, windswept, and sea-answering pine-groves 
garrison the burial-ground.

It should be very easy to lie down and sleep there 
in that sequestered hillside ossuary, 
underneath a billowy, sun-caressed grass-knoll, 
beside those dauntless, tempest-braving ancestresses 
who pillowed there so gladly, gnarled hands folded, 
their tired, afore-translated bones.

It would not be a hard thing to wake up one morning 
to the sound of bird-song in scarce-stirring willow-trees, 
waves lapping, oars plashing, chains running slowly, 
and faint voices calling across the harbour; 
to embark at dawn, following the old forefathers, 
to put forth at daybreak for some lovelier, 
still undiscovered shore.

Why do I love this poem so?  It's fabulous....

PS: forgive me, I can't pronounce "ossuary"

Wool Heaven

I am in wool heaven, bought the fabulous wool for my sisters hat - I'm banking on her not checking my blog while she's down in the deep south being shaken to bits by rampant earthwakes.  Oooh what a hard-core island we live on!

                                

Anyway, she LOVES red so I am making her a red hat and I've got some cool blue wool in my stash so I'm going to knit/crochet an embellisment to go on the hat.  Fun!  Should have it done by the end of the weekend, all going to plan.

I always buy my wool in the Warehouse, but I went to proper knitting shops today while The Sumo had her medical procedure.  HEAVEN.  But expensive.  

Freckles

                            

I have them.  I am a sucker for freckles, heck, even my own!

I have only three projects in the offing currently.  A neck warmer for me mum, nearish completion.  A vest/cardigan for myself, nearish to beginning (i.e. I have a pattern) and a new hat for me sister.  I'm going to make the same one as I made myself because I'm totally loving the pattern. Here it is in the day-light:

     

I think it will be blue but I have today off because the Sumo has some sort of medical procedure and needs a 'caregiver', i.e. taxi driver and putter-to-bed-to-sleep-off-the-drugs-er, SO I shall visit the glorious knitting shop to find some wool worthy of my precious sister.

Mum's neck warmer is going well I believe, I'm very happy with how it looks and it's been fun knitting using my aunty's old old needles.   It's fun knitting for people I love!

I had a friend over the other night and The Sumo pulled out all the headbands and hats I'd knitted just to show them off.  I felt so loved and valued!  Nice feeling.

Last three months have been absolutely terrible for me, very dark with despair.  But, I think that things are getting better and I'm am allowing a little very precious hope to seep back in.  Not to be all dramatic or anything, but I barely survived and so it's really good to be 'unfreezing my heart' again.  Hope to be writing poetry again momentarily, so will post some over here when I do.

Latest Hat

My latest hat, I made it for myself!

Learning to love:

Op-Shopping

Went op-shopping today, wearing the proceeds:

Blue top = $15, cute brooch = $5.  Score!

Tugboats and Diggers

I work in a magical place called Lyttelton. It's a port town just over the hill from where I live. My window overlooks the port and, specifically, the quay where the ships come to be loaded up with logs. It's magic! I love watching the ships come in, with the tugs nudging them safely into place. I love watching the cranes loading the logs (ever so slowly) onto the ship. I love watching the little yellow trucks perched on the logs, on the ship, organising the logs neatly into place.

It's the best view a girl could ask for.

Today was exciting because usually the log ships are already in when I arrive, they must come in first thing, but today one came in at 10:00! So I got to watch it!

Now I am looking out my window at the loading going on, it's a good distraction on what is otherwise a rubbish day work wise.

Fountain Fountain

Feelin' better today thank goodness, although work was super stressful.  Went to yoga last night and it was just so HARD.  I am really flexible, by far the most flexible in the class.  But I am just terrible at balancing, honestly, ridiculously bad.  And I'm not very strong either.  It's so annoying because no-one notices that I can do the flex stuff but man, they can see when I wobble around and fall spectacularly over.  SHAME!  But it's gooooood for me, good to learn to do something for the joy of it, not to be the best.  Not that yoga was that joyful last night, painful yes!  

I did just make the best cookies - peanut butter and chocolate chip.  Aren't they lovely?

And to all a good night

Feelin' sad today.  

Lost!

Oh yes, lost.

Well, I'm busy knitting an entrelac hat, and it's coming along nicely!  Should finish it this weekend, so there'll be pics soon.

I had a totally insane week work wise, and I'm totally shattered.  I'm in that precarious place between hope and despair at the moment - hope is so fragile and scary, and I am not very brave.  But there's not much point without it, so I do what I can to be brave.

I have, for the first time in my 28 years, a double bed.  It's crazy, the room in that thing!  And my room finally looks like a grown-ups, rather than an over-grown child.

It's an interesting time for me at the moment, two good friends got engaged, lots of babies in my life.  It's very exciting and joyful, but be lying if I didn't admit that it raises some questions for me.

I'm not old, obviously, despite the horrified look I got from an 11 year old recently when I told her I was turning 30 next year.  There's plenty of time for marriage and babies.  However, when your peers start that process and it's no-where in sight for you, there is a grief.  I know that it might not ever happen for me, for whatever reason.  Maybe those moments wont be for me.  I am certain that whatever life I lead, it will be good and fulfilling and joy-full, but it might not have those joys.  It scares me, and it hurts me.  Part of me feels like I'm getting left behind.

I'm not moaning, honest, I know that I have lots of benefits that come with singleness (like spontaneous trips to Sydney, lots of shopping, no real need to be sensible with money) and I know I'll totally get over it.  And I'm absolutely definitely happy for my friends.

But honestly, it's scary when life turns out different to how you thought it would.

Can't let that be my last post

Weight, urgh, who cares.  I have bigger things to worry about (pun).

SO, my latest knitting conquest: entrelac knitting:

Isn't it fantastic?  Looks like it's woven but it's actually very simple once you get going.  FUN!  I'm loving knitting right now, but I do want to try some other crafts!  Like embroidery or sewing or something.

Things I love right now: Clinique 3 step skin care, Poetry books, Twitter, Etsy, scarves and coming home to a warm house.

Starting again, again.

I had yoga tonight and we were focussing on the principle of being in the present.  The teacher asked us just to accept things as they were in this particular moment.

It really struck me actually.  I'm starting out again, again, on my weightloss journey and so it seemed particularly relevant to me.  I am in the midst of a difficult emotional journey and so it seemed particularly relevant to me.  I'm at the start of training for my first half marathon (run), I'm in the midst of a new spiritual journey, I just finished my first year at work.

I lay on my mat, trying (unsuccessfully) not to fall asleep during the meditation, and I held in myself the moment I find myself in.  

I've failed at weightloss about a million times.

I'm sad and grieving.

I'm very tired physically and emotionally.

I'm proud of my progress at work.

I'm fitter than I've been in ages.

I'm writing the best poetry I've ever written and it might get published.

I'm growing and exited about God in new ways.

I'm bigger than I ever wanted to be.

I've got a lot of weight to loose.

I'm on new medication that might help me loose weight like normal.

I'm figuring out how to make life work every day.

There are great things and hard things and I lay there on my mat and for the first time in ages, I didn't judge myself.  I just accepted where I was.

Felt good.

Flume

Whenever I go somewhere stone-esque, I like to build a cairn.  People used to build them to show people the way, or to mark a pathway, or to leave a sign that they were there.

I like that, so I build them.  Plus, I love the process of building them.

Here is my latest one, at Greymouth Beach:

More new work

Some from the Marathon weekend: here.

Slow dancing in a burning room

Did another halfy this weekend – over on the Coast, it was extremely beautiful! Did it in 3 and a half hours again which I had hoped to beat. However, I did pretty well because kept a good pace throughout.

No photos this time! Was too horrible to look at let alone spend $10 so you’ll just have to use your imaginations.

Determined never to walk another one though, it just takes so long and that is demoralising. So, to that end, I did my first hill run last night. I’ve done a wee bit of running in the last few weeks but have started this program that Simona used. It will be good to have some structure to my running. So it was just 15 min on the hills, which isn’t much, but you start low and build up. I went up Harry Ell and just ran for 15 min and then walked the rest of the way. I was quite happy with my progress after that because I found the 15 min fine and did the whole track in an hour flat, which is half an hour quicker than a couple of months ago. Muscles a bit sore during the run because of the event on Saturday I guess.

In ten weeks time I’ll be running two hours! Well, that is the plan. So I’ll sign up for the Hanmer Half Marathon in May and should be able to run it by then.

No yoga last night, my teacher is teaching an immersion course. I hate missing it but I think Warrior II would have been totally out of reach with my muscles as tired as they are. She gets us doing these hideous lunges, man they are horrifying. Anyway, quickly improving at yoga which is very nice – nice to be good at something for a change. Running is always a tad demoralising because other people always whiz past me – I’m very slow!

Better go, do some work.

NOT the most flattering angle

But nonetheless. This is pre collapse and vomit stage!

Me, doing the Sarah Ulmer Brand Half Marathon (21kms) walk. 3.5hrs was my time, and one to beat.

Sing a song of sixpence

Two songs that are very meaningful for me at the moment:

Oh Love That Will Not Let Me Go

O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

Brilliant. I kind of think, why bother to write songs after that one has been written. It’s so perfect.

The other song is by a band called Bon Iver.

It’s a good song but the line that gets me is this:

Come on skinny love, just last the year.

I am so into that lyric. I completely feel like my love has been worn thin, my love for God, my love for life, my love for myself…and I find myself saying,

Come on skinny love! Just last the year!

That’s where I’m at.

New work

Here

Ella

I made some cute booties for Ella.

Monthly Post

New month, new post.  

Check these guys out.

Re: my 'fail' post.  I don't remember now what it was that made me post it in particular.  What I do remember is that I was feeling frustrated at how hard it is to live a normal life.  I've lived for four years with the most full on study load, and any time things kind of collapsed in one area (e.g. didn't do the dishes for two weeks, didn't do the washing, house a mess, ate bad food, broke...) I knew it was because I was studying.  I was busy, tired, overworked, underfunded.  The reason why things didn't get done was because I was so focussed on doing the 'one thing' really well.

I said to myself, when I finish, it will be different.

I would like to announce that it is not different.

I am still busy.  I still find it hard to balance the budget, keep my room tidy, keep up to date with the washing, exercise, spend time with friends and family, eat properly, do the shopping, be creative, knit, ride my bike, write poems, read books, watch the West Wing....there is so much to DO.

I AM NOT COMPLAINING.  I am really not.  Life is actually a hundred million times easier now I'm not studying.

All I'm saying, it's hard to keep all the balls in the air.  It's hard to do everything.  It's hard to have the life I want.

Plus all the emotional things I supressed for four years while I had no mental space to deal with them have begun to surface: I hate my body, some of the relationships in my life are difficult, I feel not good enough, I'm scared of not being good enough, I can't deal with emotion....etc.  Nothing overwhelming or unusual, just the usual run of the mill stuff that everyone goes through.  I'm just not used to actually dealing with it.  

I know how to put in the box labelled "After I Finish" and store it in the garage.

I just don't know how to deal with it right now.

It's just an adjustment, that's all.  Just learning now to be normal.

And sometimes I have a normality fail.

Normality Fail.

FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL

It’s so hard to be normal.

Thoughts aTwirling

I'm still fasting shopping and this weekend was the hardest yet.  I've not been bothered by it really, until Friday and Saturday and Sunday.  Gah.  I REALLY want to get my hair cut and I REALLY want to by a new bike, bike shorts and helmet.  Gah again.  However, it's a good exercise in learning the difference between need and want.  Painful for me, but good.  It's very humbling actually, or humiliating.

Several reoccuring thoughts.  Me and Simona have decided to stop saying negative things about people.  Not that we like talk about people all the time, but I guess we're both quite normal in that we like to vent about people - you know, our neighbours revving the damn car in the driveway again, so and so was rude at the shops etc.  Anyway, I think it's clear that talking negatively about people or organisations is basically a waste of time and achieves nothing.  If you can't say something nice, say nothing.  We've implemented this rule then not to say nasty things and when we want to or start to we say 'grace and peace'.

It's a good process!  I like saying grace and peace because it basically feels to me like I'm surrendering that person or organisation or whatever over to God.  Just like saying, oh that's none of my business, I'm not going to judge, here You deal with it as you see fit.

Freeing actually, very freeing.  But really annoying to because I like to vent.

The other thing is this memory that keeps coming back to me - from last year.  Last year was my Masters year and it was so freaking hard.  So hard.  I wrote an average of 5000 words per essay and that's at least three per paper and three papers per semester, plus almost 40 000 on my dissertation.  Which I handed in for the final time on Friday, YAY!  Anyway, it was a tough year.  I think the people in my life knew it was tough because I was never around, but I don't know if people really saw how miserable I was, because I was never around.  I guess it was easier for us both to cope by just hiding away the misery part.  It was hard to hang out with people because all I had in my head was my study.  I just didn't have any other words to say.  

I know I let lots of people down last year and maybe the year before that too.  I never went to family things hardly.  I let my friends down all the time.  This year has been amazing and just freaking so good, but also it's been hard to find a balance again - between hanging out with friends and still needing time at home.  I think I haven't been very good at it but I think I'm getting better.

The memory I keep coming across is that me and Simona used to sing this song, Sadie, quite a bit towards the end.  We would just turn our backs on the laptops and sing really loud this song.  One time I remember singing it and Simona just crying and crying, and me just not knowing what to do for her.  I just kept singing and she kept singing and crying.  It was torment and it was beautiful, all at the same time.

This is the song:

Sadie, white coat,

carry me home.

Bury this bone, 

take this pinecone.

Bury this bone

to gnaw on it later; gnawing on the telephone.

'Till then, we pray & suspend

the notion that these lives do never end.

And all day long we talk about mercy:

lead me to water lord, I sure am thirsty.

Down in the ditch where I nearly served you,

up in the clouds where he almost heard you

And all that we built,

and all that we breathed,

and all that we spilt, or pulled up like weeds

is piled up in back;

it burns irrevocably.

(we spoke up in turns,

'till the silence crept over me)

Bless you

and I deeply do

no longer resolute

and I call to you

But the water go so cold,

and you do lose 

what you don't hold.

This is an old song,

these are old blues.

This is not my tune,

but it's mine to use.

And the seabirds

where the fear once grew

will flock with a fury,

and they will bury what'd come for you

Down where I darn with the milk-eyed mender

you and I, and a love so tender,

is stretched-on the hoop where I stitch-this addage:

"Bless our house and its heart so savage."

And all that I want, and all that I need

and all that I've got is scattered like seed.

And all that I knew is moving away from me.

(and all that I know is blowing 

like tumbleweed)

And the mealy worms

in the brine will burn

in a salty pyre,

among the fauns and ferns.

And the love we hold,

and the love we spurn,

will never grow cold

only taciturn.

And I'll tell you tomorrow.

Sadie, go on home now.

Belss those who've sickened below;

bless us who've chosen so.

And all that I've got

and all that I need

I tie in a knot

that I lay at your feet.

I have not forgot,

but a silence crept over me.

(So dig up your bone,

exhume your pinecone, my sadie)

Choice as

Gah, I love these: Kiwi Psalms

Psalm 47

Give a round of applause everyone

Don’t pack a sad – celebrate!

God is awesome, ay.

He subdued all those nations that were a bit of a worry,

Kinda like what the Warriors did to the Roosters.

He gave us a hand and made everything sweet as.

 

God has come through, and the crowds are going wild.

Get the guitar out and have a singalong.

Praise him at the top o’ your lungs.

 

For God is a total beaut.

Sing to him as loud as you’d sing along to the Exponents.

God makes everything good as gold, and he’s in charge.

He has the best seat in the house.

The big cheeses from Kaitaia to Bluff line up to say how awesome he is.

God is choice.

Psalm 130:

When I’m not feeling that flash I call out to you, God
God, hear my voice
Listen up and help me out
I’m having a whinge; but I need your help!

If you, God, kept a record of my stuff-ups
I’d be up the creek without a paddle
But with you there is forgiveness
And so I respect you heaps

I hang out for God, I’d spend yonks waiting for him
His words are straight-up, aye (not like Winston)

Like I said, I hang out for God, I’d spend yonks waiting for him
More than Waikato waits for a quarter-final
More than Aucklanders wait in traffic

So, Israel, trust this God, eh?
He doesn’t pack a sad; he always loves us and that’s choice
With him there’s redemption; the full deal!

He’s gonna sort out Israel
And redeem them from all their stuff-ups.

By Sarah and Rhett Snell, respectively.  Hat-tip Jonesboy

Argh

Not shopping is HARD.   Hello, my name is Sharyn, and I'm addicted to shopping.  And eating things I shouldn't way to often.  I was so good today, eating fruit and left overs and I had a good tea - just some chicken and coleslaw and pom poms.  it sounds bad, but it's good trust me!  And then I eat Banana bread.  Banana bread is not bad, but couldn't I go even one day without eating fat and sugar?  For crying out loud!  I have a problem!

Nevermind.  It's good, much better than I've been and I guess improvement is the key.  

I'm doing this new praying thing at the moment and it is kicking my spiritual butt into shape.  It's so GOOD.  I'm really interested in meditation so it's a form of meditative prayer, where I'm empty my mind and find the god within.  Just kidding.  I have been praying a series of short prayers over and over.  And it's amazing, i have to say a whole bunch so i try to keep a move on, you know, so I get to sleep before midnight, but I just keep slowing down because very time it's fantastic!

One of them is the Our Father, the Lords Prayer and I realised as I was saying it, Jesus said this!  This actual prayer!  Not in english, obviously, but still!  Amazing, it totally blew me away.

I've read this book lately called Eat Pray Love about this woman who went on a spiritual quest for a year, it's very funny, she is great (reminds me of you Helen, if you happen to be reading).  But one of the things she said was that one of the names for the Spirit was  Beloved.  I freaking love that.  The Holy Spirit is such a urgh name.  

Read the Shack.  It's, well, read it and then talk to me (as my Mother wisely said).

To bed.

Shopping Fast

I know, I know, fasting is supposed to be secret, between you and God, but I'm distainful of "supposed to" and I need the accountability.

I've decided to fast shopping.  This is the thing, shopping and over eating are my two great faults as a human being.  There's nothing wrong with shopping.  There's nothing wrong with eating.  But I have an unhealthy relationship with the both.

I need to shop.  I think I'm addicted.  I have realised this even more because the thought of not shopping for the six weeks I've alloted makes me feel panicked.  I know, it's silly, but it's real.  Part of this the realisation that I'm rich.  I've become quite snobby about rich people.  I think they should give more of their money away and they shouldn't have so much stuff.  I realised the other day, thanks to a Mars Hill sermon by a guy called Kent Dobson, that I AM RICH.  I am one of those rich people.  When it says in the bible that it's hard for rich people to be part of the Kingdom of God, I realised that that verse is about me.

It was quite a shock to the system.  Rich people live in Fendalton or Cashmere.  Not in Barrington.  But of course, I am, literally, richer than 90% of the world's population.  Of course I am rich!  Who am I kidding?

And consumption is not bad, it's not bad to like nice things and to want to look nice.  It's just not good for me the way I feel about consumption.  So, upshot is, I'll stop shopping (excluding groceries and birthday presents) for six weeks (until the 2nd of November).  The money that is in my account I will divide up - 1/3 to pay off my debts, and 2/3 to a charity.

That's the challenge!  Scary and hard right now, but I think it will bring me a measure of freedom in the long term.

Gah!

Check this out. 

I have a serious thing for birds.  A serious thing.  I am always, always, distracted by birds.  Always curiously touched by birds.  One of the main things that always captures me is that they exist in their own world, in a parallel universe kind of. 

The other thing I like is that they are INSANE.

Check out the video above.  There's so many more. 

I know it's a terrible philosophical argument, but I cannot help but believe in God when I see things like that.

Seriously.

Mercury Rising

Irritated by slow internet.  I think we've exceeded our limit for the month or some such nonsense.  Grrrrr.  

Talked to my friend tonight a lot about singleness, a pet thing of mine.  I think I was confusing because I find it difficult to articulate my feelings about this at the moment.  Sometimes words just don't work as they should.

So I've become part of a new church community that is actually working for me.  I've moaned for so long about not being able to find a church and not knowing what to do about it, it seems only fair that I tell you at last that the good news is I have resolved that particular thing.

I don't know how much I want to blab about it on the internet for all and sundry to judge just yet, it's kind of this precious thing, but suffice to say it's GOOD and it's what I've always wanted church to be and I don't know what will be, but I've learned one important lesson in life:

Let it be what it is.

Indeed.  Anyways, just checking in really.  Just saw on Facebook that a man I once knew has just died.  Feel the weight of it right now so I think I'll leave it there.

Blogging with wireless

I have been using my lack of wireless internet as an excuse not to blog for the longest time.  Well, now I have wireless so I have no excuse.  So here I am.

I have been using moving as an excuse not to eat properly and make time for exercise.  Well now I'm moved, so I've got no excuse and it's time to start afresh (again).

The thing is, I've started afresh about 25 times when it comes to eating well and exercising.  It makes me not want to start again.  It's dis-couraging.  But I will take up my courage and start again because, in the end, what else can you do?  The only alternative is to quit and I know for sure that then I will just slowly deteriorate.  SO, onwards and upwards.

I read once this thing that there is a courage of happiness as well as a courage of sorrow.  I totally love that.  It's actually quite scary to be happy, because the happier you are the more you have to lose.  Like loving, when you experience joy you open yourself up to the possibility of pain.  

It's sometimes easy to stay in the sorrow place, because at the very least it is safe and predictable - better the devil you know.  But, of course, the better path is joy because I have no intention of living a life halfway.

I used to write a lot about being in a halfway happy place, but the last 5 years have been a focussed journey away from that place and into a place called Joy.

I think the place called Joy is whatever is after the birth that we call death, but I have been learning lately that we can bring heaven to earth same as we can bring hell to earth.

Well, heaven is on earth for me today.

Exultation

Today I could move mountains with my joy! 
Could drink the golden liquid of the sun 
Or stride the sky, or wilder means employ 
To shout aloud my gladness as I run. 
I am stretched out to endless space and time, 
There is no distance where I cannot be. 
The stars behind the starry fields sublime 
Are but the marrow and the flesh of me.

There is no measure made for me today! 
A universe has opened in my soul. 
I feel me not a part of worlds at play, 
But strangely and convincingly the whole. 
Who knows but some bright shaft from god's hand given 
Has split my mind and poured it full of heaven!

Dora Hagemeyer

Whingy moany whiney blog

Yes, I know it was.  Self-pity is my speciality.

BUT just to prove I'm not totally bereft of common-sense I have signed up for Weight Watchers to try and sort my self out.

Exciting.

(So I had chocolate fudge pudding for tea).

Friend or Foe

I KNOW that my weight doesn't matter.  Deep down, I really understand that it has no value.  I know this because recently I had to draw a picture of my life in the future, of how I wanted it to be.  And then I had to describe it in words.  It came so easy to me, I already know how I want my life to be.  And NOTHING that I said had anything to do with my weight or my looks.  Nothing.

And yet, it hurts.  It hurts that Simona is still so small and I am big again.  It hurts that for a time I was normal, and now I'm fat again.  It hurts to feel ugly and to feel impossibly repulsive.  I feel like i look disgusting.  

It hurts me so much, it makes me miserable.

The truth is, it fills me with dread.  DREAD.

D   R   E   A  D

That is a good word to describe how I feel. 

Why, it makes no sense.  Since I know it doesn't have any value.

I decided to go to a new shop on Thursday and buy heaps of new clothes.

But tonight in the shower I looked down at my body and I realised that the clothes are not the problem, and they will not make me feel better.

So, I will not go and buy clothes.

But, fingers crossed, I will buy a kitten.  

I'm starting something this week, it's very exciting.  But scary, as all good things are.

And Simona got her dissertation mark back and she got an A+, which is freaking amazing.  AMAZING.

And I am realising this week that I am so lucky, I have such good friends.  Strictly speaking they should have written me off ages ago because I've been a terrible friend during the last year, especially.  But no, I am lucky.

Bloggings

I'm sitting up later than I should, eking out the last of the warmth from the fire.  It feels like a satisfying day.  I got two consents finished up, actually answered some people's questions on the duty planner line, cooked a really yummy tea, washed the dishes and mastered the lace pattern on my latest scarf.  I know, it's not exactly the high life, but it is what I would like my life to look like.  If I'd done some yoga and been for a walk.  

I love yoga, I must do some properly soon. 

I need to go to bed...I will be so tired tomorrow.  I want to read my bible.

I've decided to start reading through Joshua.  I looked through my Bible to see where I last finished up and it was at the end of Deuteronomy, so Joshua is next.  I'm kind of exciting to see what I will discover.  One of the most eye opening seasons of reading the bible for me was my trip through the minor prophets.  It was like going on some archeological dig - there was all this rubble and then every now and then this amazing gem of a sentence or passage.  And the themes that came through of redemption and change were just fabulous.

Freaking fantastic.  Anyway, I had a similar experience in Deut. so I'm hoping to repeat in Joshua.

We'll see.

Love love love

I am in love with long weekends.  I'm in love with sleeping in.  I'm in love with doing nothing.  I'm in love with having enough money to have fun with.  I'm in love with listening to music (Dixie Chicks).  I'm in love with my Mac.  I'm in love with having an easy life.  I'm in love with having a good job to look forward to.  I'm in love with my life right now.  I'm in love with the One who takes care of me and in whom I live and breathe and have my being.  

I wrote this song a while back, still resonates:

Today I woke up far away from you

A stranger where such love had been before

And now it's all so broken, nothing works without you

Oh come to me and take me where you will

Past the heads, past the hills, past the soft places to fall

To the sea, where I'm with you and you're with me

It's not so complicated, just to be where you are.

I tried to find you, I still thought I could

But you're quiet and not easily swayed

You hid in all the places that I looked

Until I gave up

And you came and took me out

Out past the heads, past the hills,

Past the soft places to fall

Out to see, where I'm with you and you're with me

It's not so complicated, just to be, where you are.

I really love the way things sound.  I love at my job, the plastic packets that all the consents come in because of the way they sound when you handle them.  I buy earrings and necklaces as much by the way they sound as the way they look.  I wanted to be a check out chick because I like the sound of the beep when they scan something.  I love my Mac because of the sound the keys make when I type.

The funny thing is, that I'm deaf in one ear.  I'm deaf, and I like sound.  But I'm a singer and I'm obsessed with harmonies so I guess it does make sense.  Oh and I write a lot of poetry and poetry is almost entirely about sound.

Anyway, whatever.

Tears

Hysterical

Besties

My very best friend in the whole world, Simona, went away for three whole weeks recently and I missed her like crazy.  We've been best friends for something like five years now, and we became close during one of the most difficult times in my life.

But it's such a catch 22, once you start denying that you're gay, you seem so much more gay.  It is funny.  I just don't care now.  If people think we're gay I have no problem with that.  I guess it could be difficult for any future man I am involved with, maybe could raise questions for him if people maybe thought I was like trying not to be gay or something.  It's such a hypothetical it's not worth thinking or worrying about.

I feel so lucky that I am not lonely, I know that lots of single people are.  I guess there are two things that make singleness difficult for me, firstly the longing for masculine physical touch (which is the best way I can describe the deep longing I occasionally experience) and the second would be commitment.  Simona and I are best friends and have been for five years and I imagine we always will be.  But we never commit to that, nor should or could we.  When you marry someone you make promises, but I don't think it's right to limit anyone else's freedom like that.  So there's a certain insecurity that you always have as a single person, that you are always alone in a sense that you aren't when you're married.  I live with the constant knowledge that it is likely Simona will marry and I may not, that I may end up being alone in a more poignant way than I am now.  It's not painful, it's just a somewhat unsettling knowledge that drives me closer to God and is therefore incredibly significant.

Having a friend like Simona is a revelation.  It is so amazing to find a friend who is so like you and yet so unlike you.  It is the best thing to have someone in your life who you don't have to filter for.  I am so freaking lucky.

We have had a really rough couple of years in terms of stress through study and it's put a huge strain on our friendship.  Especially last year.  There were times last year when I wondered, and I know Simona did, whether our friendship would actually survive.  Communication is the absolute key to any relationship and it's the hardest thing to do sometimes.  When you feel at your lowest ebb and you have no resource left, it's very hard to be emotionally rational and to care more for others than for self.  Love is hard work sometimes.

It's so nice now to have a bit more of a normal life and to see our friendship kind of blossom again as we remember all the great things we have in common and all the values and dreams that we share.  It's so nice also to have room in myself again to have normal relationships with my other friends.  I am really lucky to have some really special friendships and they have all suffered over the last two years.  I feel so excited about spending time with those people and reconnecting.  

I feel more ready to emerge from the hermitage.

This is my very first blog from my brand new Macbook.  It's so flash!  Gah, it's so nice.  Weird getting used to a new system you know, but I'm starting to find my way around kind of.  

Life is so good at the moment, but even when life is good there's always the constant background of 'stuff' that goes on all the time.  You know, the old hurts or traumas, the frustrations, the un-forgiveness, the run of the mill, day to day things that just kind of have to be maintained or something.  And of course all the family and friend 'issues' that you have to work at, that never get better really or worse, but just travel the same well worn paths over and over.

Church is a big one for me.  I just, I don't know.  I left my old church quite a while back in reality, and relatively recently in theory.  I don't know where to go from here. I'd like to be all PC and go to a local church but, frankly, I'm bored at those churches.  I just feel lost.  Honestly, I don't want to go to church at all.  Well, that's not strictly true, I want to go to church, I just don't want to belong or commit to a church.  In all honesty I'm scared.  I've had my hopes up and been disillusioned a number of time by churches, which is ridiculous I know, but nevertheless true.  I feel, well not exactly jaded, just a bit vulnerable and damaged I guess.

It's rough because I always thought of myself as a big church goer.  I think church is really important, I think it's important to be reminded every sunday or whatever, how important this relationship is.  I just, I just don't know what to do or where to go from here.

I feel a bit lost.  A bit, I don't know, adrift or something.  A bit uneasy and afraid.

Vulnerable.

But, you know, happy etc.  

Nasty sins

I think pride is the nastiest of all sins. It's certianly one I struggle with all the time. And when I say that, I realise how utterly ridiculous it is that I ever even cling to the smallest shred of pride.

I am utterly berift of any ability to do the things I want to do, or to prevent myself doing the things i don't want to do, as Paul so neatly pointed out. I think only I know how actually crap I am.

That doesn't engender any guilt or shame in me, but it is a startling revelation nonetheless. I mean, human = crap in general, so I guess it just makes me human!

I just, I hate pride, I hate cynicism. It makes me sick. I hate it because I am proud and cycnical. Which is ridiculous.

But the thing that I love about Christ and Christianity, above all other things, is grace. Grace is not just the antithesis of pride and cynicism, it's actually the antidote. When you experiance, when I experiance grace, pride and cynicism become utterly irrelevant.

Grace is the very best thing that exists in the world, aside perhaps from love. Grace is everything. Grace is the full stop and capital letter of every sentence.

Grace is. Everyday. Every day.

I think i blog because i'm lonely

But I'm not really lonely. I really miss Sumo. And I really miss Alfie (the cat).

But I LOVE my job. Got my first consents to do today, so exciting. I feel like I'm going to be really good at this job. Very great feeling. Terribly difficult though, walking the line between confidence and over confidence. I'm nervous of crossing it without realising, one way or the other.

Scary.

Life is so good right now, it is amazing. It does make me nervous though. Life has been good but difficult for so long, it's weird to have life be good and easy. Makes me wonder what is about to happen! Maybe it's just a new phase.

Oh gotta go watch Lost.

First night of freedom.

Made dinner and did the dishes.

Knitted maybe 10 rows.

Watched tele.

Helped Juls study for her test.

Played on the Internet.

Thought about: what do I want my life to look like now? (I'm becoming a Planner!)

Check these out, these are gorgeous: here.

Hat tip: here.

The big news is:

Today I handed in my Dissertation - all 31 872 words on 97 pages of it.

I kind over overshot the mark somewhat.

I'm stoked with it, I worked so hard and I'm pleased with the work.

I cannot, cannot, cannot believe that I am actually finished and my life is my own again.

It's so freaken' weird.

I'm free! And I'm knitting. Tonight I went to my friend's house, and we sat on the couch and knitted and watched season 1 of the West Wing. (I've seen it like fifty times, still love it).

It was the best.

I'm actually free. Bizzare.

I'm so incredibly emotional at the moment, it's quite ridiculous.

But, I actually like it.

Moons and moons ago, when I was but 16 tender years old, I realised that I'd really shut my emotions down entirely. I had been terribly hurt by this one particular person and I couldn't bear it so I just decided I wouldn't feel it. I actually remember the moment, so weird.

Anyways, I started to recognise that I didn't respond in emotionally appropriate ways anymore, flat out freaked me out.

So the upshot was I talked to God about it and there was this verse God gave me in Ezekial - it said: I will take away your hard of stone and give you a heart of flesh, and I will put my spirit in you.

Well, it was just so for me in that particular moment. Just like always, it wasn't instant, it took many years actually - perhaps all the years between then and now (all 12 of them), of just slowly opening up and softening up. I kind of feel that I'm really starting to be sort of normal emotionally. Like I cried when my cat was put down and I cried when Simona left for Indo. Normal kind of reactions.

Felt FANTASTIC.

Feel like I've got that heart of flesh back. Feel like maybe I've come full circle in some way.

It's good, very good.

Plus now I can play my guitar, do puzzles, knit and play playstation again.

YES!

Joy

Today you came and walked with me
beside the river.

You walked beside me
and
it made me weep.

ipod

Oh I do love my ipod.

Wow I'm extremely tired right now, such a familier feeling. I've stayed up so many nights writing assignments, and you just get to this point where you're so tired your tongue is numb. You can't type. You misspell everything.

I am at that point.

I'm SO tired.

BUT the good news is I've basically finished my dissertation, apart from a lot of fixing and possibly hours worth of formating. So exciting.

Bad news is, I had to put my cat down. Wept tears.

Good news, my car got a warrent no problem, so it's finally legal again (don't tell Dad).

Bad news, my cousin is dying of cancer. (But I don't really know her, so can't claim any real loss for myself, just a sad thing)

Good news, amazing news, is one of my good friend's brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, had til Christmas, is still alive and actually had his first scan in six months and is essentially cancer free. Doctors amazed. When i heard me and Simona had the most powerful sense, each individually, that we should pray for healing for him. We really felt he would be healed. So we prayed, and then the burden left us....and oh my goodness he's healed. AMAZING. I love it. I know you could explain it away, but hey, I believe it.

Bad news is, I'm so tired.

Good news is...I can go to sleep content that I've done heaps of work.

I love my ipod.

And odd ends and bits

I'm sitting on Simona's bed, with Simona and Jules, working on my dissertation. Well, not working on my dissertation. This week, we have to put our cat down, it's so sad. But I've really been learning a lot about coping with tough stuff. I think the best thing is to tell it to God, to give it to God and then to focus on all the good things. To distract your mind. I'm becoming rather good at it.

It's not so much about surpressing thoughts, because of course that's totally futile. It's about surrender and submission, and then just taking another path in your mind.

I'm having a God is so good phase.

Here's another piece:

That's it.
You're too good.
Your love is too good.

I feel like a pool of nothing in your enormous something.

But I'm not
I'm something to you.


-ooOOoo-

That's how I'm feeling right now. God is so good.

Plus I've been thinking about vegetarianism. The problem is, I really love meat. Don't know what to think about it.

Midnight

Yes, it is midnight and I should be sleeping but I am wide awake. I have been on the blogs, irritated by some, inspired by others. I read these blogs of these people who are just so self important, even though they try to come across humble, or maybe try to convince themselves they are humble. But it's all just rubbish, just clanging symbols, just a bunch of oneupmanship. And then I read my sisters blog, my big sister. Her blog is honest and real and authentic and empowering.

I love that word empowering. It's actually my favourite word at the moment. I'm all about empowerment. I am learning to let go of guilt and shame, because they are ungodly. I am learning to love myself and be at peace. I am learning to rest in Christ, who I can trust with all I am and all I have.

I have grown so much over the last few years. It might not show, but inside I am a woman now. I wrote this poem once:

I know who I am.
I am who I always wanted to be.

I was quite young at the time, that was almost 10 years ago. And then, after writing that in a moment of total clarity, it was all stolen, and also I let it be stolen.

But it's back you know.

I know who I am.
I am who I always wanted to be.

I am funny and thoughtful and strong and sensitive and powerful and unique and creative and hard working and smart and beautiful. Sometimes I see myself through my own eyes and I really love myself.

Oh I'm fallen alright, I'm fallen.

But I know that. I think in a weird way that shame is just a reflection of pride. when you allow yourself to feel shame you imply that you could possible be perfect. Well, I don't believe that for a second. I know I'm not perfect. I don't feel bad about that, if I did it would kind of be like feeling guilty about not being able to fly. I know that I sin, that I fall short, that I am human. God forgives. God accepts. God perfects. At the moment I see in part, but one day I will know in full, even as I am fully Known.

I'm free.

I know who I am.
I am who I always wanted to be.

For Brenna: Your Next Clue:

"And his black and white cat"...

Update

Well, Debs (Hi Deb!) commented on my last blog, asking if I'd gone back to church yet. Well, I hadn't really stopped going to church, just gone less frequently and with less enthusiasm. However, I have been going back to church more often of late. In Tonga I went to church a couple of times, and even though I really couldn't understand any of the services, for some reason they really made me want to go back to church when I got back. So far it's been good. I have some REALLY good friends at my church, and I love seeing them. The worship music is awesome and I've really been enjoying it. It's nice to make space like that in my week just to spend with God and other Christians. I feel good that I've been going. Everything I said in my last post is really still true, except since then I've found that my other friends at church feel somewhat the same way. I don't know, it makes me feel better.

I'm exhausted. Just totally exhausted. Studying is so hard, keeping everything together is so hard. My resources are really stretched to breaking point. I had to cut down my hours so now I've even less money than before. I'm broke, tired, sick and overworked. But going to church makes me feel better now, so that's good.

Ah consumerism. It's what gets me through.