Ralph Hotere

This is my favorite print ever.

Well, a link to it.

here.

I am having a deep week. God has been doing a lot of STUFF in my life. I have been talking about things I never dreamed I would put into words. I have embarked upon a journey I never dreamed I would take. My life is in His hands, and he is moulding me.

I spent years stagnant. I spent years not seeing any change, any movement.

But this week, I see how much change has occurred in me in the last two years. I am truly a new person. Life is so sweet for me, even in the pain or pressure of new places and old places revisited.

I just want to say, I love my church. In Elim I have found a home. I have begun to GROW. I have been challenged and uplifted, offended and frustrated all at once! No church is perfect, I can tell you. Sometimes I sit in church and CRINGE. I get angry and rage against the stupidity I sometimes see. But I am challenged, and constantly reminded that there are other ways of being out there, just as valid as mine. Furthermore, I can honestly believe in the people of Elim. They LOVE God, they are so passionate. So, when they are wrong (in my opinion), at least they are wrong out of passion and determination and not sluggish bored inept dissaffected-ness. I love the praise and worship, the preaching, the community. I am growing. I am free. It feels good.

Must go, Sim wants the 'puter.

See ya soon.

More to come but for now:

This weeks MUST read here.

Aha!

So I take my song into my sexy leader/intern person, and my Craig off Shortland St like Director and they liked it! Well, they made me change some bits, but still, they liked it overall! So here is the new revamped version and (hopefully) a quite budget but still usable recording of it (on our pinhole microphone)

Here I am, I stand
Open heart and open hands
I want to go to you
No one else will do

My heart has found its rest in you, in you
This world is not my home, it’s you, it’s you
I lay my burden down, for you, for you
My everything for you, for you.

Your love has found the way
To wipe away my tears
You take me from my chains
From my sin, and from my fears

My heart has found its rest in you, in you
This world is not my home, it’s you, it’s you
I lay my burden down, for you, for you
My everything for you, for you.


Here 'tis:

I'm addicted to Trademe.

I have been asked by my sexy worship team leader/intern person to write some songs for church, and I smilingly agreed.

I have discovered, or actually rediscovered, that its terribly hard to write worship music. My songs are obscure, that is their glory. I bare my naked soul, without actually telling anyone much about what is going on. Writing a song that other people might be able to use is quite another matter.

This is my attempt, and the second draft stage:

Here I am, I stand
Open heart in open hands
I want to go to you
No one else will do

My heart has found its rest in you, in you
This world is not my home, its you, its you
I lay my dreamings down for you, for you
My everything for you, for you.

Take my weary hand
Lead me out of here
Take me from my chains
From my sin, and from my fear

My heart has found its rest in you, in you
This world is not my home, its you, its you
I lay my dreamings down for you, for you
My everything for you, for you.

Well, I don't know. I'll try it out on my tall, dark, handsome Leader tomorrow.

Snow!!

Waaahoool.

Check out pics...

As Requested

The New Me.

Me again

I am supposed to be doing an assignment
You might be able to guess that.

Here are some before and after photos of me.

Before the hair cut

After the hair cut (hopefully).

I will, no doubt, look something like a mix between these two attractive women.

Only I, of course, will look better.

Doing it for the Kids

The blog that follows, on singleness, is extremely well thought out and interesting, however it is also extremely long. Thus, I shall include this pretty picture of me, to look at.

This is for those of you who have no interest in my deep and fascinating thoughts. Furthermore, it is for those of you who think singleness is not a particularly interesting topic. Likewise, it is for those of you who are not really THAT interested in anything I could possible say if it has to be so incredibly long as the below post is. Therefore, in conclusion this post is for everyone who reads my blog. Except, possibly my Mum.

Singleness

I had a whole post written out before this, to preface it but it disappeared when I tried to spell check, so no luck. (Who reads the preface anyway).

On my student allowance form recently I had to put my relationship status - Tick box Single. Then I had to fill in the date this relationship status began. There was a note "If you are single, fill in with your birth date". Lol. So, I've been single since birth. Incidently, when I received a hard copy of my form, it had the date as 1/1/1870. Terrible.

I am single. My last 'relationship' (and I use that term loosely) ended when I was 17, which, (if you add), means I have been officially single for about 7 1/2 years. THAT is a long time. I'm 25 now. I'm still young enough to not feel left on the shelf. Although, in Christian terms I may well be. It is the fashion these days to marry the first ONE who seems right. I am of the opinion that Christians often marry to young, to quickly, and without seriously thinking about it. I don't think young people often consider the fact that they have to LIVE with this person (whom they've never lived with) for the next 50-60 years. That's a heck of a long time.

I know a couple recently who married and they had dated for 5 years. The wife said that she had waited that long because she wanted to be ready in herself, she wanted to be a whole person before she married him. I totally respected what she said, and was ecstatic that she is such a great role model for the young Christians she was talking to.

I have lots of opinions on marriage, but since I'm not married, I better cut it there and move onto my particular area of expertise.

Singleness is frowned upon. It's like puberty - a necessary space of time and existence, which should be endured politely and exited from at the earliest convenience. It's unpopular. It's like an illness. It's a symptom of being 'not ready' or to eager or just generally immature. But don't worry "God has a perfect man out there for you somewhere". This is the worst though: When I say to someone that I love being single and I hear "that's because you don't have a boyfriend" or "yeah right"!. Pfffff. Shut up smug-ones! My favorites are "you will find someone when you are ready" or "when you stop wanting it, it will happen". As my mother would say "what a put down"! You can imagine the mental gymnastics I put myself through - trying to stop wanting it because I wanted it so badly, but it wouldn't happen if I wanted it.....

The bible actually has a different take on it. Paul refers to singleness and marriage as gifts (1 Corinth 7:7). So singleness is actually a gift. (For a GREAT essay about this look here). At 17 I did not wholeheartedly believe this. Or even halfheartedly. Or at all actually. For YEARS all I wanted was to be in a relationship. ANYONE who knew me then knew that! Lots of people think I had a serious lust problem I imagine, but this could not be further from the truth, although I allowed it to circulate for a laugh.

I have changed. I know longer view singleness as a necessary evil on par with puberty or menopause. Nor do I view it as a preparation ground for marriage, necessarily. It is, as Paul said, (and I paraphrase), good for a woman to be single, because then she can give her whole heart to God. Singleness IS a gift. I LOVE it. I love the freedom, I love the possibilities, I love the anticipation, I love the deep friendships with a variety of people, I love being master of my own life, I love the solitude. I love the sense that I am just me, alone on this voyage. On this pilgrimage.

As a matter of course, there are times when the deep longings rise up and choke me. Last night my eyes found a one that I have long held feelings for, deep down in my heart. There were thousands of people there, but my eyes found him. He looks better than ever. My fingers ache, literally, to touch him. I want to talk to him, to hear how he is, to tell him I pray for him, to invite him out.

These are good, natural, pure, created feelings. I have long tried to suppress them, but that only intensifies the desire. God said to me "I made you this way! To have these feelings. I love you feelings, your desires. Its right to feel that way. But offer them up, a thing precious. And so I do.
My two sets of feelings do not negate each other. They rest in me, in tension always. There is room inside me for more than one feeling.

So there it is, singleness is my role, and perhaps, despite the urgings and commiserations, I will not find that 'perfect person'. In fact, it is a certainty I shall not, since by the time men get over 25 they are far from perfect in my experience. Perhaps I will marry one day, perhaps not. Perhaps my life will fill instead with friendship, career and poverty curing. Maybe I will be Dr Sharyn Brown and buy my own house and travel the world designing fantastically effective and sustainable development strategies. Maybe I will adopt some beautiful child and love it all my life. Maybe I will be free to give my whole heart to God for as long as I live, and maybe my death with be a glorious re-union with Him whom I have set my heart on. Sounds awful doesn't it, how can I bear the thought? Maybe the longings will always be there, deep in my heart. Maybe they will rise up and make me ache as I do in last-night-like moments. Those thoughts do make me quail, but shall I turn back for lack of courage? No, I have put my hand to the plough, and I will not turn back.

This is the song...

"Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Blessed be your name...

LOTR

Yes, I am a crazed fan - Me and Sim found a site and took 'scared' photos. It's from the scene where the dark rider leans over the road, and the hobbits are hiding under a tree root. Terrifying.

Lol...what eggs we are.

11.02

Again. How very weird. Hmmmm.

Well, thanks to EZnet, and Simona's superior computer-setting-up skills, we are safetly installed here at home! So I can 'clog' from the relative comfort of my own kitchen table. Two days ago it was my birthday, my 25th birthday. I was spoilt rotten! I got the best pressies, and surrounded by best friends I ate myself stupid as ever. The diet started today! I am so very lucky in my friendships, and in my family. I smile as I write, so thankful am I.

Simona and I have been faithfully walking 1/2 an hour every night for some time now. Lately we have taken to spending it praying. Tonight we dedicated it entirely to thank yous, not allowing ourselves any petition at all. Half an hour of thank you's is very easy to come by. I feel so uplifted, and I hope that He feels similarly!

One thing Simona thanked Himself for (and I concurred) was the boldness and courage it took for my mum and dad to come 'out of the wilderness'. I am amazed that after 35 years of such narrow living both have been so incredibly willing and successful at living outside the box. There were others of us that did not make it so successfully, who could not live 'in the world' but returned to the prison and locked the doors behind.

Soon I will post a poem I wrote about my experiance of this journey on my poetry blog...look for it tomorrow!

11:02pm

I should be in BED.

However, I am not. I am at Danielles using her computer. Simona is doing a Sudoku. With a pen. You can't do it with a pen. It's impossible.

You need a pencil.

Hear my latest:

Fall asleep and dream
Pretty, useless dreams
And wake up with His crown upon your head
His cross upon your back...

There's more, but undone as yet.

Can't figure out whether crown or cross should come first.

Harry Potter

This monday I woke up very late for Uni. Very late. I was extremely tired and so attired mineself in a pair of Warehouse TrackPants, Chucks, an Old Tee Shirt and... da dum....A Harry Potter Hoodie. (Several sizes to large).

Of to Uni I trot and therein I find myself remembering that this is a COMS class. People who take COMS aspire to News Anchor, Television Reporter and other highly visible careers. (Apart from a lowly few who want to hide themselves away in research positions.). Everyone wears makeup and label clothing.

I felt so extremely mortified by this sudden realisation. And it uncovered in me a deeper insecurity. I take so much esteem from clothes. I don't just wear nice clothes because I like them, but because I think that without them people wont like me. I always wear what I consider to be cool. Very rarely (if ever) do I allow myself a Harry Potter Hoodie Day. I think partly this is because I never get compliments unless I am wearing something new. People never say "you look nice" to me, they say "nice top" or something along those lines. Because I'm quite big size wise and pretty ordinary looking, I compensate by buying clothes all the time (except in my currently poverty stricken state).

Anyway, I was rather challenged by this realisation.

It was good for me to have to just be myself, minus my mask.

Living in Beverly Hills

Beverly Hills
That's where I want to be!

Oh not really, but what a rad song eh? Oh yeah.

Hmmmmm my classes are so INTERESTING.

Even the TESTS are interesting. And I know how SO MUCH about the Tongan Farming System that its just fantastic.

My favorite is Sustainable Developement. I love it. It's all so interesting. I have found my niche. And the BEST thing is that my lecturers are working doing the things I want to do. I will have a job one day! DOING sociology! In the Islands! Oh man, I am so excited.

Who knew, I certianly did not, that the Tongan farming system could be of such great interest to me.

Man. I am so happy right now, knowing there's this whole life stretched out in front of me, and perhaps I can make a difference in THIS world.


Mmmm carrying capacity. Treadmill production theories. Livelihood strategies. Don't they just fill your heart with glee?

I am glee-full.


PS Check out this out

So far so good

Have walked ALMOST everyday since we begun last week, can do 50 crunches without extreme agony, and now capable of almost two pushups.

Girl ones.

Obviously.

Postcolonial Identities

Sounds fascinating right?

What if your lecturer is incomprehensibly boring? BORING???? Oh my goodness, I just endured three hours of this woman.

HOW did she become a lecturer?

HOW????

I'm going to nominate her for lecturer of the year, and see if anyone notices the irony.

Unique

I am on the trail of good health.

Except for the pie I had for lunch, but that's only because it's the cheapest food at Uni and I had to pay a $25 library fine yesterday. (Damn those 3 hour loans).

I went for a half hour walk yesterday, at an extremely energetic pace. Plus I did 50 crunches and approximately one press up.

How long will it last?

Hopefully long enough for me to regain human form.

Julian Clary

Goodbye is hard.

I said goodbye this week to two people that I have come to love in a relatively short time. I think both will be coming back, but nevertheless, its hard to be saying goodbye. Maybe this has induced my current melancholy mood.

I miss Shannon.
I miss Adam.
I feel for Lara.
I worry about my friend.

I remember that this time two years ago my world was falling apart, and the stab of humiliation still hurts.

I wish it was 4:55 and I could go home.

I wish I blogged more, I wish I had a computer at home or room for one.

End of pity party.
(melancholy is so self conscious)

Grrrr

Yiss that's right. I had the most fascinating, brilliant and astonishing thing to blog about, and now it HAS COMPLETELY LEFT ME.

Hello!

I have been thinking about dying recently, although not in a morbid way. I had this moment the other day when I realised that one day my body would die, but I would live on. So perhaps there will be this moment when I realise that I'm dead. WEIRD. And what to do? Where to go? Will it be obvious? Will I know what I'm supposed to be? Or will it be like being born, and will I just get taken somewhere and given something to do?

Strange thoughts, they make me excited in a weird way.