I'm still fasting shopping and this weekend was the hardest yet. I've not been bothered by it really, until Friday and Saturday and Sunday. Gah. I REALLY want to get my hair cut and I REALLY want to by a new bike, bike shorts and helmet. Gah again. However, it's a good exercise in learning the difference between need and want. Painful for me, but good. It's very humbling actually, or humiliating.
Several reoccuring thoughts. Me and Simona have decided to stop saying negative things about people. Not that we like talk about people all the time, but I guess we're both quite normal in that we like to vent about people - you know, our neighbours revving the damn car in the driveway again, so and so was rude at the shops etc. Anyway, I think it's clear that talking negatively about people or organisations is basically a waste of time and achieves nothing. If you can't say something nice, say nothing. We've implemented this rule then not to say nasty things and when we want to or start to we say 'grace and peace'.
It's a good process! I like saying grace and peace because it basically feels to me like I'm surrendering that person or organisation or whatever over to God. Just like saying, oh that's none of my business, I'm not going to judge, here You deal with it as you see fit.
Freeing actually, very freeing. But really annoying to because I like to vent.
The other thing is this memory that keeps coming back to me - from last year. Last year was my Masters year and it was so freaking hard. So hard. I wrote an average of 5000 words per essay and that's at least three per paper and three papers per semester, plus almost 40 000 on my dissertation. Which I handed in for the final time on Friday, YAY! Anyway, it was a tough year. I think the people in my life knew it was tough because I was never around, but I don't know if people really saw how miserable I was, because I was never around. I guess it was easier for us both to cope by just hiding away the misery part. It was hard to hang out with people because all I had in my head was my study. I just didn't have any other words to say.
I know I let lots of people down last year and maybe the year before that too. I never went to family things hardly. I let my friends down all the time. This year has been amazing and just freaking so good, but also it's been hard to find a balance again - between hanging out with friends and still needing time at home. I think I haven't been very good at it but I think I'm getting better.
The memory I keep coming across is that me and Simona used to sing this song, Sadie, quite a bit towards the end. We would just turn our backs on the laptops and sing really loud this song. One time I remember singing it and Simona just crying and crying, and me just not knowing what to do for her. I just kept singing and she kept singing and crying. It was torment and it was beautiful, all at the same time.
This is the song:
Sadie, white coat,
carry me home.
Bury this bone,
take this pinecone.
Bury this bone
to gnaw on it later; gnawing on the telephone.
'Till then, we pray & suspend
the notion that these lives do never end.
And all day long we talk about mercy:
lead me to water lord, I sure am thirsty.
Down in the ditch where I nearly served you,
up in the clouds where he almost heard you
And all that we built,
and all that we breathed,
and all that we spilt, or pulled up like weeds
is piled up in back;
it burns irrevocably.
(we spoke up in turns,
'till the silence crept over me)
Bless you
and I deeply do
no longer resolute
and I call to you
But the water go so cold,
and you do lose
what you don't hold.
This is an old song,
these are old blues.
This is not my tune,
but it's mine to use.
And the seabirds
where the fear once grew
will flock with a fury,
and they will bury what'd come for you
Down where I darn with the milk-eyed mender
you and I, and a love so tender,
is stretched-on the hoop where I stitch-this addage:
"Bless our house and its heart so savage."
And all that I want, and all that I need
and all that I've got is scattered like seed.
And all that I knew is moving away from me.
(and all that I know is blowing
like tumbleweed)
And the mealy worms
in the brine will burn
in a salty pyre,
among the fauns and ferns.
And the love we hold,
and the love we spurn,
will never grow cold
only taciturn.
And I'll tell you tomorrow.
Sadie, go on home now.
Belss those who've sickened below;
bless us who've chosen so.
And all that I've got
and all that I need
I tie in a knot
that I lay at your feet.
I have not forgot,
but a silence crept over me.
(So dig up your bone,
exhume your pinecone, my sadie)
