Monday, April 28, 2008

Love love love

I am in love with long weekends.  I'm in love with sleeping in.  I'm in love with doing nothing.  I'm in love with having enough money to have fun with.  I'm in love with listening to music (Dixie Chicks).  I'm in love with my Mac.  I'm in love with having an easy life.  I'm in love with having a good job to look forward to.  I'm in love with my life right now.  I'm in love with the One who takes care of me and in whom I live and breathe and have my being.  

I wrote this song a while back, still resonates:

Today I woke up far away from you

A stranger where such love had been before

And now it's all so broken, nothing works without you

Oh come to me and take me where you will

Past the heads, past the hills, past the soft places to fall

To the sea, where I'm with you and you're with me

It's not so complicated, just to be where you are.

I tried to find you, I still thought I could

But you're quiet and not easily swayed

You hid in all the places that I looked

Until I gave up

And you came and took me out

Out past the heads, past the hills,

Past the soft places to fall

Out to see, where I'm with you and you're with me

It's not so complicated, just to be, where you are.

I really love the way things sound.  I love at my job, the plastic packets that all the consents come in because of the way they sound when you handle them.  I buy earrings and necklaces as much by the way they sound as the way they look.  I wanted to be a check out chick because I like the sound of the beep when they scan something.  I love my Mac because of the sound the keys make when I type.

The funny thing is, that I'm deaf in one ear.  I'm deaf, and I like sound.  But I'm a singer and I'm obsessed with harmonies so I guess it does make sense.  Oh and I write a lot of poetry and poetry is almost entirely about sound.

Anyway, whatever.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


My very best friend in the whole world, Simona, went away for three whole weeks recently and I missed her like crazy.  We've been best friends for something like five years now, and we became close during one of the most difficult times in my life.

But it's such a catch 22, once you start denying that you're gay, you seem so much more gay.  It is funny.  I just don't care now.  If people think we're gay I have no problem with that.  I guess it could be difficult for any future man I am involved with, maybe could raise questions for him if people maybe thought I was like trying not to be gay or something.  It's such a hypothetical it's not worth thinking or worrying about.

I feel so lucky that I am not lonely, I know that lots of single people are.  I guess there are two things that make singleness difficult for me, firstly the longing for masculine physical touch (which is the best way I can describe the deep longing I occasionally experience) and the second would be commitment.  Simona and I are best friends and have been for five years and I imagine we always will be.  But we never commit to that, nor should or could we.  When you marry someone you make promises, but I don't think it's right to limit anyone else's freedom like that.  So there's a certain insecurity that you always have as a single person, that you are always alone in a sense that you aren't when you're married.  I live with the constant knowledge that it is likely Simona will marry and I may not, that I may end up being alone in a more poignant way than I am now.  It's not painful, it's just a somewhat unsettling knowledge that drives me closer to God and is therefore incredibly significant.

Having a friend like Simona is a revelation.  It is so amazing to find a friend who is so like you and yet so unlike you.  It is the best thing to have someone in your life who you don't have to filter for.  I am so freaking lucky.

We have had a really rough couple of years in terms of stress through study and it's put a huge strain on our friendship.  Especially last year.  There were times last year when I wondered, and I know Simona did, whether our friendship would actually survive.  Communication is the absolute key to any relationship and it's the hardest thing to do sometimes.  When you feel at your lowest ebb and you have no resource left, it's very hard to be emotionally rational and to care more for others than for self.  Love is hard work sometimes.

It's so nice now to have a bit more of a normal life and to see our friendship kind of blossom again as we remember all the great things we have in common and all the values and dreams that we share.  It's so nice also to have room in myself again to have normal relationships with my other friends.  I am really lucky to have some really special friendships and they have all suffered over the last two years.  I feel so excited about spending time with those people and reconnecting.  

I feel more ready to emerge from the hermitage.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

This is my very first blog from my brand new Macbook.  It's so flash!  Gah, it's so nice.  Weird getting used to a new system you know, but I'm starting to find my way around kind of.  

Life is so good at the moment, but even when life is good there's always the constant background of 'stuff' that goes on all the time.  You know, the old hurts or traumas, the frustrations, the un-forgiveness, the run of the mill, day to day things that just kind of have to be maintained or something.  And of course all the family and friend 'issues' that you have to work at, that never get better really or worse, but just travel the same well worn paths over and over.

Church is a big one for me.  I just, I don't know.  I left my old church quite a while back in reality, and relatively recently in theory.  I don't know where to go from here. I'd like to be all PC and go to a local church but, frankly, I'm bored at those churches.  I just feel lost.  Honestly, I don't want to go to church at all.  Well, that's not strictly true, I want to go to church, I just don't want to belong or commit to a church.  In all honesty I'm scared.  I've had my hopes up and been disillusioned a number of time by churches, which is ridiculous I know, but nevertheless true.  I feel, well not exactly jaded, just a bit vulnerable and damaged I guess.

It's rough because I always thought of myself as a big church goer.  I think church is really important, I think it's important to be reminded every sunday or whatever, how important this relationship is.  I just, I just don't know what to do or where to go from here.

I feel a bit lost.  A bit, I don't know, adrift or something.  A bit uneasy and afraid.


But, you know, happy etc.  

Friday, April 04, 2008

Nasty sins

I think pride is the nastiest of all sins. It's certianly one I struggle with all the time. And when I say that, I realise how utterly ridiculous it is that I ever even cling to the smallest shred of pride.

I am utterly berift of any ability to do the things I want to do, or to prevent myself doing the things i don't want to do, as Paul so neatly pointed out. I think only I know how actually crap I am.

That doesn't engender any guilt or shame in me, but it is a startling revelation nonetheless. I mean, human = crap in general, so I guess it just makes me human!

I just, I hate pride, I hate cynicism. It makes me sick. I hate it because I am proud and cycnical. Which is ridiculous.

But the thing that I love about Christ and Christianity, above all other things, is grace. Grace is not just the antithesis of pride and cynicism, it's actually the antidote. When you experiance, when I experiance grace, pride and cynicism become utterly irrelevant.

Grace is the very best thing that exists in the world, aside perhaps from love. Grace is everything. Grace is the full stop and capital letter of every sentence.

Grace is. Everyday. Every day.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

I think i blog because i'm lonely

But I'm not really lonely. I really miss Sumo. And I really miss Alfie (the cat).

But I LOVE my job. Got my first consents to do today, so exciting. I feel like I'm going to be really good at this job. Very great feeling. Terribly difficult though, walking the line between confidence and over confidence. I'm nervous of crossing it without realising, one way or the other.


Life is so good right now, it is amazing. It does make me nervous though. Life has been good but difficult for so long, it's weird to have life be good and easy. Makes me wonder what is about to happen! Maybe it's just a new phase.

Oh gotta go watch Lost.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

First night of freedom.

Made dinner and did the dishes.

Knitted maybe 10 rows.

Watched tele.

Helped Juls study for her test.

Played on the Internet.

Thought about: what do I want my life to look like now? (I'm becoming a Planner!)

Check these out, these are gorgeous: here.

Hat tip: here.