Sunday, December 21, 2008

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Monthly Post

New month, new post.  

Check these guys out.

Re: my 'fail' post.  I don't remember now what it was that made me post it in particular.  What I do remember is that I was feeling frustrated at how hard it is to live a normal life.  I've lived for four years with the most full on study load, and any time things kind of collapsed in one area (e.g. didn't do the dishes for two weeks, didn't do the washing, house a mess, ate bad food, broke...) I knew it was because I was studying.  I was busy, tired, overworked, underfunded.  The reason why things didn't get done was because I was so focussed on doing the 'one thing' really well.

I said to myself, when I finish, it will be different.

I would like to announce that it is not different.

I am still busy.  I still find it hard to balance the budget, keep my room tidy, keep up to date with the washing, exercise, spend time with friends and family, eat properly, do the shopping, be creative, knit, ride my bike, write poems, read books, watch the West Wing....there is so much to DO.

I AM NOT COMPLAINING.  I am really not.  Life is actually a hundred million times easier now I'm not studying.

All I'm saying, it's hard to keep all the balls in the air.  It's hard to do everything.  It's hard to have the life I want.

Plus all the emotional things I supressed for four years while I had no mental space to deal with them have begun to surface: I hate my body, some of the relationships in my life are difficult, I feel not good enough, I'm scared of not being good enough, I can't deal with emotion....etc.  Nothing overwhelming or unusual, just the usual run of the mill stuff that everyone goes through.  I'm just not used to actually dealing with it.  

I know how to put in the box labelled "After I Finish" and store it in the garage.

I just don't know how to deal with it right now.

It's just an adjustment, that's all.  Just learning now to be normal.

And sometimes I have a normality fail.