Monday, March 31, 2008

The big news is:

Today I handed in my Dissertation - all 31 872 words on 97 pages of it.

I kind over overshot the mark somewhat.

I'm stoked with it, I worked so hard and I'm pleased with the work.

I cannot, cannot, cannot believe that I am actually finished and my life is my own again.

It's so freaken' weird.

I'm free! And I'm knitting. Tonight I went to my friend's house, and we sat on the couch and knitted and watched season 1 of the West Wing. (I've seen it like fifty times, still love it).

It was the best.

I'm actually free. Bizzare.

I'm so incredibly emotional at the moment, it's quite ridiculous.

But, I actually like it.

Moons and moons ago, when I was but 16 tender years old, I realised that I'd really shut my emotions down entirely. I had been terribly hurt by this one particular person and I couldn't bear it so I just decided I wouldn't feel it. I actually remember the moment, so weird.

Anyways, I started to recognise that I didn't respond in emotionally appropriate ways anymore, flat out freaked me out.

So the upshot was I talked to God about it and there was this verse God gave me in Ezekial - it said: I will take away your hard of stone and give you a heart of flesh, and I will put my spirit in you.

Well, it was just so for me in that particular moment. Just like always, it wasn't instant, it took many years actually - perhaps all the years between then and now (all 12 of them), of just slowly opening up and softening up. I kind of feel that I'm really starting to be sort of normal emotionally. Like I cried when my cat was put down and I cried when Simona left for Indo. Normal kind of reactions.


Feel like I've got that heart of flesh back. Feel like maybe I've come full circle in some way.

It's good, very good.

Plus now I can play my guitar, do puzzles, knit and play playstation again.


Saturday, March 29, 2008


Today you came and walked with me
beside the river.

You walked beside me
it made me weep.


Oh I do love my ipod.

Wow I'm extremely tired right now, such a familier feeling. I've stayed up so many nights writing assignments, and you just get to this point where you're so tired your tongue is numb. You can't type. You misspell everything.

I am at that point.

I'm SO tired.

BUT the good news is I've basically finished my dissertation, apart from a lot of fixing and possibly hours worth of formating. So exciting.

Bad news is, I had to put my cat down. Wept tears.

Good news, my car got a warrent no problem, so it's finally legal again (don't tell Dad).

Bad news, my cousin is dying of cancer. (But I don't really know her, so can't claim any real loss for myself, just a sad thing)

Good news, amazing news, is one of my good friend's brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, had til Christmas, is still alive and actually had his first scan in six months and is essentially cancer free. Doctors amazed. When i heard me and Simona had the most powerful sense, each individually, that we should pray for healing for him. We really felt he would be healed. So we prayed, and then the burden left us....and oh my goodness he's healed. AMAZING. I love it. I know you could explain it away, but hey, I believe it.

Bad news is, I'm so tired.

Good news is...I can go to sleep content that I've done heaps of work.

I love my ipod.

Monday, March 24, 2008

And odd ends and bits

I'm sitting on Simona's bed, with Simona and Jules, working on my dissertation. Well, not working on my dissertation. This week, we have to put our cat down, it's so sad. But I've really been learning a lot about coping with tough stuff. I think the best thing is to tell it to God, to give it to God and then to focus on all the good things. To distract your mind. I'm becoming rather good at it.

It's not so much about surpressing thoughts, because of course that's totally futile. It's about surrender and submission, and then just taking another path in your mind.

I'm having a God is so good phase.

Here's another piece:

That's it.
You're too good.
Your love is too good.

I feel like a pool of nothing in your enormous something.

But I'm not
I'm something to you.


That's how I'm feeling right now. God is so good.

Plus I've been thinking about vegetarianism. The problem is, I really love meat. Don't know what to think about it.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


Yes, it is midnight and I should be sleeping but I am wide awake. I have been on the blogs, irritated by some, inspired by others. I read these blogs of these people who are just so self important, even though they try to come across humble, or maybe try to convince themselves they are humble. But it's all just rubbish, just clanging symbols, just a bunch of oneupmanship. And then I read my sisters blog, my big sister. Her blog is honest and real and authentic and empowering.

I love that word empowering. It's actually my favourite word at the moment. I'm all about empowerment. I am learning to let go of guilt and shame, because they are ungodly. I am learning to love myself and be at peace. I am learning to rest in Christ, who I can trust with all I am and all I have.

I have grown so much over the last few years. It might not show, but inside I am a woman now. I wrote this poem once:

I know who I am.
I am who I always wanted to be.

I was quite young at the time, that was almost 10 years ago. And then, after writing that in a moment of total clarity, it was all stolen, and also I let it be stolen.

But it's back you know.

I know who I am.
I am who I always wanted to be.

I am funny and thoughtful and strong and sensitive and powerful and unique and creative and hard working and smart and beautiful. Sometimes I see myself through my own eyes and I really love myself.

Oh I'm fallen alright, I'm fallen.

But I know that. I think in a weird way that shame is just a reflection of pride. when you allow yourself to feel shame you imply that you could possible be perfect. Well, I don't believe that for a second. I know I'm not perfect. I don't feel bad about that, if I did it would kind of be like feeling guilty about not being able to fly. I know that I sin, that I fall short, that I am human. God forgives. God accepts. God perfects. At the moment I see in part, but one day I will know in full, even as I am fully Known.

I'm free.

I know who I am.
I am who I always wanted to be.