Monday, March 31, 2008

The big news is:

Today I handed in my Dissertation - all 31 872 words on 97 pages of it.

I kind over overshot the mark somewhat.

I'm stoked with it, I worked so hard and I'm pleased with the work.

I cannot, cannot, cannot believe that I am actually finished and my life is my own again.

It's so freaken' weird.

I'm free! And I'm knitting. Tonight I went to my friend's house, and we sat on the couch and knitted and watched season 1 of the West Wing. (I've seen it like fifty times, still love it).

It was the best.

I'm actually free. Bizzare.

I'm so incredibly emotional at the moment, it's quite ridiculous.

But, I actually like it.

Moons and moons ago, when I was but 16 tender years old, I realised that I'd really shut my emotions down entirely. I had been terribly hurt by this one particular person and I couldn't bear it so I just decided I wouldn't feel it. I actually remember the moment, so weird.

Anyways, I started to recognise that I didn't respond in emotionally appropriate ways anymore, flat out freaked me out.

So the upshot was I talked to God about it and there was this verse God gave me in Ezekial - it said: I will take away your hard of stone and give you a heart of flesh, and I will put my spirit in you.

Well, it was just so for me in that particular moment. Just like always, it wasn't instant, it took many years actually - perhaps all the years between then and now (all 12 of them), of just slowly opening up and softening up. I kind of feel that I'm really starting to be sort of normal emotionally. Like I cried when my cat was put down and I cried when Simona left for Indo. Normal kind of reactions.


Feel like I've got that heart of flesh back. Feel like maybe I've come full circle in some way.

It's good, very good.

Plus now I can play my guitar, do puzzles, knit and play playstation again.


1 comment:

Jack said...