I made some cute booties for Ella.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
It’s so hard to be normal.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Sadie, white coat,
carry me home.
Bury this bone,
take this pinecone.
Bury this bone
to gnaw on it later; gnawing on the telephone.
'Till then, we pray & suspend
the notion that these lives do never end.
And all day long we talk about mercy:
lead me to water lord, I sure am thirsty.
Down in the ditch where I nearly served you,
up in the clouds where he almost heard you
And all that we built,
and all that we breathed,
and all that we spilt, or pulled up like weeds
is piled up in back;
it burns irrevocably.
(we spoke up in turns,
'till the silence crept over me)
and I deeply do
no longer resolute
and I call to you
But the water go so cold,
and you do lose
what you don't hold.
This is an old song,
these are old blues.
This is not my tune,
but it's mine to use.
And the seabirds
where the fear once grew
will flock with a fury,
and they will bury what'd come for you
Down where I darn with the milk-eyed mender
you and I, and a love so tender,
is stretched-on the hoop where I stitch-this addage:
"Bless our house and its heart so savage."
And all that I want, and all that I need
and all that I've got is scattered like seed.
And all that I knew is moving away from me.
(and all that I know is blowing
And the mealy worms
in the brine will burn
in a salty pyre,
among the fauns and ferns.
And the love we hold,
and the love we spurn,
will never grow cold
And I'll tell you tomorrow.
Sadie, go on home now.
Belss those who've sickened below;
bless us who've chosen so.
And all that I've got
and all that I need
I tie in a knot
that I lay at your feet.
I have not forgot,
but a silence crept over me.
(So dig up your bone,
exhume your pinecone, my sadie)
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Give a round of applause everyone
Don’t pack a sad – celebrate!
God is awesome, ay.
He subdued all those nations that were a bit of a worry,
Kinda like what the Warriors did to the Roosters.
He gave us a hand and made everything sweet as.
God has come through, and the crowds are going wild.
Get the guitar out and have a singalong.
Praise him at the top o’ your lungs.
For God is a total beaut.
Sing to him as loud as you’d sing along to the Exponents.
God makes everything good as gold, and he’s in charge.
He has the best seat in the house.
The big cheeses from Kaitaia to Bluff line up to say how awesome he is.
God is choice.
When I’m not feeling that flash I call out to you, God
God, hear my voice
Listen up and help me out
I’m having a whinge; but I need your help!
If you, God, kept a record of my stuff-ups
I’d be up the creek without a paddle
But with you there is forgiveness
And so I respect you heaps
I hang out for God, I’d spend yonks waiting for him
His words are straight-up, aye (not like Winston)
Like I said, I hang out for God, I’d spend yonks waiting for him
More than Waikato waits for a quarter-final
More than Aucklanders wait in traffic
So, Israel, trust this God, eh?
He doesn’t pack a sad; he always loves us and that’s choice
With him there’s redemption; the full deal!
He’s gonna sort out Israel
And redeem them from all their stuff-ups.
By Sarah and Rhett Snell, respectively. Hat-tip Jonesboy
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
I have a serious thing for birds. A serious thing. I am always, always, distracted by birds. Always curiously touched by birds. One of the main things that always captures me is that they exist in their own world, in a parallel universe kind of.
The other thing I like is that they are INSANE.
Check out the video above. There's so many more.
I know it's a terrible philosophical argument, but I cannot help but believe in God when I see things like that.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Monday, June 09, 2008
Thursday, June 05, 2008
I KNOW that my weight doesn't matter. Deep down, I really understand that it has no value. I know this because recently I had to draw a picture of my life in the future, of how I wanted it to be. And then I had to describe it in words. It came so easy to me, I already know how I want my life to be. And NOTHING that I said had anything to do with my weight or my looks. Nothing.
And yet, it hurts. It hurts that Simona is still so small and I am big again. It hurts that for a time I was normal, and now I'm fat again. It hurts to feel ugly and to feel impossibly repulsive. I feel like i look disgusting.
It hurts me so much, it makes me miserable.
The truth is, it fills me with dread. DREAD.
D R E A D
That is a good word to describe how I feel.
Why, it makes no sense. Since I know it doesn't have any value.
I decided to go to a new shop on Thursday and buy heaps of new clothes.
But tonight in the shower I looked down at my body and I realised that the clothes are not the problem, and they will not make me feel better.
So, I will not go and buy clothes.
But, fingers crossed, I will buy a kitten.
I'm starting something this week, it's very exciting. But scary, as all good things are.
And Simona got her dissertation mark back and she got an A+, which is freaking amazing. AMAZING.
And I am realising this week that I am so lucky, I have such good friends. Strictly speaking they should have written me off ages ago because I've been a terrible friend during the last year, especially. But no, I am lucky.
Monday, May 05, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
I am in love with long weekends. I'm in love with sleeping in. I'm in love with doing nothing. I'm in love with having enough money to have fun with. I'm in love with listening to music (Dixie Chicks). I'm in love with my Mac. I'm in love with having an easy life. I'm in love with having a good job to look forward to. I'm in love with my life right now. I'm in love with the One who takes care of me and in whom I live and breathe and have my being.
I wrote this song a while back, still resonates:
Today I woke up far away from you
A stranger where such love had been before
And now it's all so broken, nothing works without you
Oh come to me and take me where you will
Past the heads, past the hills, past the soft places to fall
To the sea, where I'm with you and you're with me
It's not so complicated, just to be where you are.
I tried to find you, I still thought I could
But you're quiet and not easily swayed
You hid in all the places that I looked
Until I gave up
And you came and took me out
Out past the heads, past the hills,
Past the soft places to fall
Out to see, where I'm with you and you're with me
It's not so complicated, just to be, where you are.
I really love the way things sound. I love at my job, the plastic packets that all the consents come in because of the way they sound when you handle them. I buy earrings and necklaces as much by the way they sound as the way they look. I wanted to be a check out chick because I like the sound of the beep when they scan something. I love my Mac because of the sound the keys make when I type.
The funny thing is, that I'm deaf in one ear. I'm deaf, and I like sound. But I'm a singer and I'm obsessed with harmonies so I guess it does make sense. Oh and I write a lot of poetry and poetry is almost entirely about sound.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
My very best friend in the whole world, Simona, went away for three whole weeks recently and I missed her like crazy. We've been best friends for something like five years now, and we became close during one of the most difficult times in my life.
But it's such a catch 22, once you start denying that you're gay, you seem so much more gay. It is funny. I just don't care now. If people think we're gay I have no problem with that. I guess it could be difficult for any future man I am involved with, maybe could raise questions for him if people maybe thought I was like trying not to be gay or something. It's such a hypothetical it's not worth thinking or worrying about.
I feel so lucky that I am not lonely, I know that lots of single people are. I guess there are two things that make singleness difficult for me, firstly the longing for masculine physical touch (which is the best way I can describe the deep longing I occasionally experience) and the second would be commitment. Simona and I are best friends and have been for five years and I imagine we always will be. But we never commit to that, nor should or could we. When you marry someone you make promises, but I don't think it's right to limit anyone else's freedom like that. So there's a certain insecurity that you always have as a single person, that you are always alone in a sense that you aren't when you're married. I live with the constant knowledge that it is likely Simona will marry and I may not, that I may end up being alone in a more poignant way than I am now. It's not painful, it's just a somewhat unsettling knowledge that drives me closer to God and is therefore incredibly significant.
Having a friend like Simona is a revelation. It is so amazing to find a friend who is so like you and yet so unlike you. It is the best thing to have someone in your life who you don't have to filter for. I am so freaking lucky.
We have had a really rough couple of years in terms of stress through study and it's put a huge strain on our friendship. Especially last year. There were times last year when I wondered, and I know Simona did, whether our friendship would actually survive. Communication is the absolute key to any relationship and it's the hardest thing to do sometimes. When you feel at your lowest ebb and you have no resource left, it's very hard to be emotionally rational and to care more for others than for self. Love is hard work sometimes.
It's so nice now to have a bit more of a normal life and to see our friendship kind of blossom again as we remember all the great things we have in common and all the values and dreams that we share. It's so nice also to have room in myself again to have normal relationships with my other friends. I am really lucky to have some really special friendships and they have all suffered over the last two years. I feel so excited about spending time with those people and reconnecting.
I feel more ready to emerge from the hermitage.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
This is my very first blog from my brand new Macbook. It's so flash! Gah, it's so nice. Weird getting used to a new system you know, but I'm starting to find my way around kind of.
Life is so good at the moment, but even when life is good there's always the constant background of 'stuff' that goes on all the time. You know, the old hurts or traumas, the frustrations, the un-forgiveness, the run of the mill, day to day things that just kind of have to be maintained or something. And of course all the family and friend 'issues' that you have to work at, that never get better really or worse, but just travel the same well worn paths over and over.
Church is a big one for me. I just, I don't know. I left my old church quite a while back in reality, and relatively recently in theory. I don't know where to go from here. I'd like to be all PC and go to a local church but, frankly, I'm bored at those churches. I just feel lost. Honestly, I don't want to go to church at all. Well, that's not strictly true, I want to go to church, I just don't want to belong or commit to a church. In all honesty I'm scared. I've had my hopes up and been disillusioned a number of time by churches, which is ridiculous I know, but nevertheless true. I feel, well not exactly jaded, just a bit vulnerable and damaged I guess.
It's rough because I always thought of myself as a big church goer. I think church is really important, I think it's important to be reminded every sunday or whatever, how important this relationship is. I just, I just don't know what to do or where to go from here.
I feel a bit lost. A bit, I don't know, adrift or something. A bit uneasy and afraid.
But, you know, happy etc.
Friday, April 04, 2008
I am utterly berift of any ability to do the things I want to do, or to prevent myself doing the things i don't want to do, as Paul so neatly pointed out. I think only I know how actually crap I am.
That doesn't engender any guilt or shame in me, but it is a startling revelation nonetheless. I mean, human = crap in general, so I guess it just makes me human!
I just, I hate pride, I hate cynicism. It makes me sick. I hate it because I am proud and cycnical. Which is ridiculous.
But the thing that I love about Christ and Christianity, above all other things, is grace. Grace is not just the antithesis of pride and cynicism, it's actually the antidote. When you experiance, when I experiance grace, pride and cynicism become utterly irrelevant.
Grace is the very best thing that exists in the world, aside perhaps from love. Grace is everything. Grace is the full stop and capital letter of every sentence.
Grace is. Everyday. Every day.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
But I LOVE my job. Got my first consents to do today, so exciting. I feel like I'm going to be really good at this job. Very great feeling. Terribly difficult though, walking the line between confidence and over confidence. I'm nervous of crossing it without realising, one way or the other.
Life is so good right now, it is amazing. It does make me nervous though. Life has been good but difficult for so long, it's weird to have life be good and easy. Makes me wonder what is about to happen! Maybe it's just a new phase.
Oh gotta go watch Lost.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Knitted maybe 10 rows.
Helped Juls study for her test.
Played on the Internet.
Thought about: what do I want my life to look like now? (I'm becoming a Planner!)
Check these out, these are gorgeous: here.
Hat tip: here.
Monday, March 31, 2008
I kind over overshot the mark somewhat.
I'm stoked with it, I worked so hard and I'm pleased with the work.
I cannot, cannot, cannot believe that I am actually finished and my life is my own again.
It's so freaken' weird.
I'm free! And I'm knitting. Tonight I went to my friend's house, and we sat on the couch and knitted and watched season 1 of the West Wing. (I've seen it like fifty times, still love it).
It was the best.
I'm actually free. Bizzare.
I'm so incredibly emotional at the moment, it's quite ridiculous.
But, I actually like it.
Moons and moons ago, when I was but 16 tender years old, I realised that I'd really shut my emotions down entirely. I had been terribly hurt by this one particular person and I couldn't bear it so I just decided I wouldn't feel it. I actually remember the moment, so weird.
Anyways, I started to recognise that I didn't respond in emotionally appropriate ways anymore, flat out freaked me out.
So the upshot was I talked to God about it and there was this verse God gave me in Ezekial - it said: I will take away your hard of stone and give you a heart of flesh, and I will put my spirit in you.
Well, it was just so for me in that particular moment. Just like always, it wasn't instant, it took many years actually - perhaps all the years between then and now (all 12 of them), of just slowly opening up and softening up. I kind of feel that I'm really starting to be sort of normal emotionally. Like I cried when my cat was put down and I cried when Simona left for Indo. Normal kind of reactions.
Feel like I've got that heart of flesh back. Feel like maybe I've come full circle in some way.
It's good, very good.
Plus now I can play my guitar, do puzzles, knit and play playstation again.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Wow I'm extremely tired right now, such a familier feeling. I've stayed up so many nights writing assignments, and you just get to this point where you're so tired your tongue is numb. You can't type. You misspell everything.
I am at that point.
I'm SO tired.
BUT the good news is I've basically finished my dissertation, apart from a lot of fixing and possibly hours worth of formating. So exciting.
Bad news is, I had to put my cat down. Wept tears.
Good news, my car got a warrent no problem, so it's finally legal again (don't tell Dad).
Bad news, my cousin is dying of cancer. (But I don't really know her, so can't claim any real loss for myself, just a sad thing)
Good news, amazing news, is one of my good friend's brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, had til Christmas, is still alive and actually had his first scan in six months and is essentially cancer free. Doctors amazed. When i heard me and Simona had the most powerful sense, each individually, that we should pray for healing for him. We really felt he would be healed. So we prayed, and then the burden left us....and oh my goodness he's healed. AMAZING. I love it. I know you could explain it away, but hey, I believe it.
Bad news is, I'm so tired.
Good news is...I can go to sleep content that I've done heaps of work.
I love my ipod.
Monday, March 24, 2008
It's not so much about surpressing thoughts, because of course that's totally futile. It's about surrender and submission, and then just taking another path in your mind.
I'm having a God is so good phase.
Here's another piece:
You're too good.
Your love is too good.
I feel like a pool of nothing in your enormous something.
But I'm not
I'm something to you.
That's how I'm feeling right now. God is so good.
Plus I've been thinking about vegetarianism. The problem is, I really love meat. Don't know what to think about it.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
I love that word empowering. It's actually my favourite word at the moment. I'm all about empowerment. I am learning to let go of guilt and shame, because they are ungodly. I am learning to love myself and be at peace. I am learning to rest in Christ, who I can trust with all I am and all I have.
I have grown so much over the last few years. It might not show, but inside I am a woman now. I wrote this poem once:
I know who I am.
I am who I always wanted to be.
I was quite young at the time, that was almost 10 years ago. And then, after writing that in a moment of total clarity, it was all stolen, and also I let it be stolen.
But it's back you know.
I know who I am.
I am who I always wanted to be.
I am funny and thoughtful and strong and sensitive and powerful and unique and creative and hard working and smart and beautiful. Sometimes I see myself through my own eyes and I really love myself.
Oh I'm fallen alright, I'm fallen.
But I know that. I think in a weird way that shame is just a reflection of pride. when you allow yourself to feel shame you imply that you could possible be perfect. Well, I don't believe that for a second. I know I'm not perfect. I don't feel bad about that, if I did it would kind of be like feeling guilty about not being able to fly. I know that I sin, that I fall short, that I am human. God forgives. God accepts. God perfects. At the moment I see in part, but one day I will know in full, even as I am fully Known.
I know who I am.
I am who I always wanted to be.