Sunday, April 20, 2008

This is my very first blog from my brand new Macbook.  It's so flash!  Gah, it's so nice.  Weird getting used to a new system you know, but I'm starting to find my way around kind of.  


Life is so good at the moment, but even when life is good there's always the constant background of 'stuff' that goes on all the time.  You know, the old hurts or traumas, the frustrations, the un-forgiveness, the run of the mill, day to day things that just kind of have to be maintained or something.  And of course all the family and friend 'issues' that you have to work at, that never get better really or worse, but just travel the same well worn paths over and over.


Church is a big one for me.  I just, I don't know.  I left my old church quite a while back in reality, and relatively recently in theory.  I don't know where to go from here. I'd like to be all PC and go to a local church but, frankly, I'm bored at those churches.  I just feel lost.  Honestly, I don't want to go to church at all.  Well, that's not strictly true, I want to go to church, I just don't want to belong or commit to a church.  In all honesty I'm scared.  I've had my hopes up and been disillusioned a number of time by churches, which is ridiculous I know, but nevertheless true.  I feel, well not exactly jaded, just a bit vulnerable and damaged I guess.


It's rough because I always thought of myself as a big church goer.  I think church is really important, I think it's important to be reminded every sunday or whatever, how important this relationship is.  I just, I just don't know what to do or where to go from here.


I feel a bit lost.  A bit, I don't know, adrift or something.  A bit uneasy and afraid.


Vulnerable.


But, you know, happy etc.  

3 comments:

A. J. Chesswas said...

Have you tried going to an Anglican or Catholic Church, or any liturgical church? It seems to me to be very difficult to find evangelical churches that aren't boring. The preaching and worship is often just a pragmatic blend of pop theology regurgitated a different way. Luturgical churches, on the other hand, while a lot of what is said is repeated week after week - those words are incredibly rich and deep and full of meaning. And the echarist is conducted in such a way that it is difficult for a reverend sincere Christian not to have their heart wrench with love and awe for our Saviour. Sure, those churches are often quite superficial in terms of true love and community, but the same applies to a lot of evangelical churches anyway. And I'm not convinced we're meant to expect perfection and excitement in every church community we participate. We are always open to God's leading to form friendships with people that rsemble the sort of love and devotion to Jesus that scripture holds up as ideal. But it seems to me more often than not that those with the biblical ideal for church have to actually be catalysts for that ideal, and not expect it to be delivered on a plate by others. I know what I'm saying is tough and demanding and probably not what you want to hear. But I think your sincerity and commitment to Jesus, truth and heart-felt honesty should make you exactly the sort of person God can use.

Jack said...

Missed your posts : )
Regarding church, I agree with AJ that a person should try and say "what can I offer this church?" as opposed to "what can this church offer me?" I was once told that a church was the only organisation that existed for its non-members, to serve. In reality though I think there has to be a balance, that you have to grow as well and be 'fed' spiritually if the serving heart is to be sustained.
Regarding the Anglican church, they would be my last pick - but I guess everyone has different experiences. However, AJ I cant see why you'd want to go to a place that was "superficial in love and community" as you put it.

Sharyn said...

I kind of feel like I'm in credit where church is concerned. I don't want to find a community to belong to and contribute to. I know I'm not supposed to feel that way, but I believe that my contribution or my mission or whatever is largely outside of the church. I'd like to go to church on Sundays to sing with people, to hear a good sermon, to feel inspired for the week.

I don't know. I'm not wanting to be contrary.