Tuesday, April 22, 2008


My very best friend in the whole world, Simona, went away for three whole weeks recently and I missed her like crazy.  We've been best friends for something like five years now, and we became close during one of the most difficult times in my life.

But it's such a catch 22, once you start denying that you're gay, you seem so much more gay.  It is funny.  I just don't care now.  If people think we're gay I have no problem with that.  I guess it could be difficult for any future man I am involved with, maybe could raise questions for him if people maybe thought I was like trying not to be gay or something.  It's such a hypothetical it's not worth thinking or worrying about.

I feel so lucky that I am not lonely, I know that lots of single people are.  I guess there are two things that make singleness difficult for me, firstly the longing for masculine physical touch (which is the best way I can describe the deep longing I occasionally experience) and the second would be commitment.  Simona and I are best friends and have been for five years and I imagine we always will be.  But we never commit to that, nor should or could we.  When you marry someone you make promises, but I don't think it's right to limit anyone else's freedom like that.  So there's a certain insecurity that you always have as a single person, that you are always alone in a sense that you aren't when you're married.  I live with the constant knowledge that it is likely Simona will marry and I may not, that I may end up being alone in a more poignant way than I am now.  It's not painful, it's just a somewhat unsettling knowledge that drives me closer to God and is therefore incredibly significant.

Having a friend like Simona is a revelation.  It is so amazing to find a friend who is so like you and yet so unlike you.  It is the best thing to have someone in your life who you don't have to filter for.  I am so freaking lucky.

We have had a really rough couple of years in terms of stress through study and it's put a huge strain on our friendship.  Especially last year.  There were times last year when I wondered, and I know Simona did, whether our friendship would actually survive.  Communication is the absolute key to any relationship and it's the hardest thing to do sometimes.  When you feel at your lowest ebb and you have no resource left, it's very hard to be emotionally rational and to care more for others than for self.  Love is hard work sometimes.

It's so nice now to have a bit more of a normal life and to see our friendship kind of blossom again as we remember all the great things we have in common and all the values and dreams that we share.  It's so nice also to have room in myself again to have normal relationships with my other friends.  I am really lucky to have some really special friendships and they have all suffered over the last two years.  I feel so excited about spending time with those people and reconnecting.  

I feel more ready to emerge from the hermitage.

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