This is my very first blog from my brand new Macbook.  It's so flash!  Gah, it's so nice.  Weird getting used to a new system you know, but I'm starting to find my way around kind of.  

Life is so good at the moment, but even when life is good there's always the constant background of 'stuff' that goes on all the time.  You know, the old hurts or traumas, the frustrations, the un-forgiveness, the run of the mill, day to day things that just kind of have to be maintained or something.  And of course all the family and friend 'issues' that you have to work at, that never get better really or worse, but just travel the same well worn paths over and over.

Church is a big one for me.  I just, I don't know.  I left my old church quite a while back in reality, and relatively recently in theory.  I don't know where to go from here. I'd like to be all PC and go to a local church but, frankly, I'm bored at those churches.  I just feel lost.  Honestly, I don't want to go to church at all.  Well, that's not strictly true, I want to go to church, I just don't want to belong or commit to a church.  In all honesty I'm scared.  I've had my hopes up and been disillusioned a number of time by churches, which is ridiculous I know, but nevertheless true.  I feel, well not exactly jaded, just a bit vulnerable and damaged I guess.

It's rough because I always thought of myself as a big church goer.  I think church is really important, I think it's important to be reminded every sunday or whatever, how important this relationship is.  I just, I just don't know what to do or where to go from here.

I feel a bit lost.  A bit, I don't know, adrift or something.  A bit uneasy and afraid.

Vulnerable.

But, you know, happy etc.  

Update

Well, Debs (Hi Deb!) commented on my last blog, asking if I'd gone back to church yet. Well, I hadn't really stopped going to church, just gone less frequently and with less enthusiasm. However, I have been going back to church more often of late. In Tonga I went to church a couple of times, and even though I really couldn't understand any of the services, for some reason they really made me want to go back to church when I got back. So far it's been good. I have some REALLY good friends at my church, and I love seeing them. The worship music is awesome and I've really been enjoying it. It's nice to make space like that in my week just to spend with God and other Christians. I feel good that I've been going. Everything I said in my last post is really still true, except since then I've found that my other friends at church feel somewhat the same way. I don't know, it makes me feel better.

I'm exhausted. Just totally exhausted. Studying is so hard, keeping everything together is so hard. My resources are really stretched to breaking point. I had to cut down my hours so now I've even less money than before. I'm broke, tired, sick and overworked. But going to church makes me feel better now, so that's good.

Ah consumerism. It's what gets me through.

I honestly dont know if I'm going to publish or not

Although now I suspect I will.

I am totally at sea about church. I really feel totally lost. I've been maybe 5 or six times this year. Maybe more. Maybe more like 10-15. I love Elim. It was the first place I went that I wanted to belong to. I really did. There are such great people there. I want them to like me so much it hurts.

But I have changed so much sometimes I barely recognise myself. I was obssessed with church and serving God. I never missed a service. I loved doing youth stuff, I loved going to church. Then it all came crashing down in a way that makes me feel physically sick to remember. I remember when it finally broke me, when I stood with Amy in a toilet cubicle, sobbing, because Alan had resigned. It really broke me.

And it changed me too. I can't get attached. I wandered around churches for a while which was so healing for me. Then I went to Elim and I wanted to settle down, to start to belong. But I've just never gotten in. I have some REALLY good friends at Elim. Helen is one of the coolest people I ever met. But I still feel on the outside. It's really my fault maybe because my attendance has been so sporadic. But sometimes I think its more. Maybe they feel like I look down my nose because I'm educated or something. Maybe I do! Maybe I'm too liberal, too feminist. I don't know.

I love the Pentecostal church. I really can't imagine going to back to the Baptists or any other denomination. I really love the passion, I sense the rightness of the acceptance of the gifts of the Spirit, of the way the Pentecostal church worships the Spirit. Other churches seem boring to me, I can't connect, they seem superficial. I'm not saying they are, I'm just saying...well that I'm a pentecostal at heart. I like happy clappy. I like half decent music. I like passion and I like it simple.

But I hate the prosperity doctrine and I voted for the Greens. I supported the so-called 'anti-smacking' bill. I supported the civil union bill. I do oppose abortion and I'm definitely not keen on the prostitution reform bill. GAH!!! Where oh where will I ever fit?

It scares me, it really does. I feel kind of lost, adrift on a sea of uncertianty. I believe in The Church. I believe it's important for me to be a part of it. But, right now, even when I do have time and I'm not writing 8000 words on Monitoring and Evaluation until 3:00 in the morning on a Sunday night, even then I still don't to go to church. Because it makes me tired. It really tires me out.

Me and Simona sing this song about once an hour at the moment when we're studying. This is really all I have room for right now.

Could I just sit here a while...know that there's nothing that I need to say....safe in the knowledge that you know my ways and love me completely...no need to hide a thing.

I want to go to church. I want to want to go to church.