Although now I suspect I will.
I am totally at sea about church. I really feel totally lost. I've been maybe 5 or six times this year. Maybe more. Maybe more like 10-15. I love Elim. It was the first place I went that I wanted to belong to. I really did. There are such great people there. I want them to like me so much it hurts.
But I have changed so much sometimes I barely recognise myself. I was obssessed with church and serving God. I never missed a service. I loved doing youth stuff, I loved going to church. Then it all came crashing down in a way that makes me feel physically sick to remember. I remember when it finally broke me, when I stood with Amy in a toilet cubicle, sobbing, because Alan had resigned. It really broke me.
And it changed me too. I can't get attached. I wandered around churches for a while which was so healing for me. Then I went to Elim and I wanted to settle down, to start to belong. But I've just never gotten in. I have some REALLY good friends at Elim. Helen is one of the coolest people I ever met. But I still feel on the outside. It's really my fault maybe because my attendance has been so sporadic. But sometimes I think its more. Maybe they feel like I look down my nose because I'm educated or something. Maybe I do! Maybe I'm too liberal, too feminist. I don't know.
I love the Pentecostal church. I really can't imagine going to back to the Baptists or any other denomination. I really love the passion, I sense the rightness of the acceptance of the gifts of the Spirit, of the way the Pentecostal church worships the Spirit. Other churches seem boring to me, I can't connect, they seem superficial. I'm not saying they are, I'm just saying...well that I'm a pentecostal at heart. I like happy clappy. I like half decent music. I like passion and I like it simple.
But I hate the prosperity doctrine and I voted for the Greens. I supported the so-called 'anti-smacking' bill. I supported the civil union bill. I do oppose abortion and I'm definitely not keen on the prostitution reform bill. GAH!!! Where oh where will I ever fit?
It scares me, it really does. I feel kind of lost, adrift on a sea of uncertianty. I believe in The Church. I believe it's important for me to be a part of it. But, right now, even when I do have time and I'm not writing 8000 words on Monitoring and Evaluation until 3:00 in the morning on a Sunday night, even then I still don't to go to church. Because it makes me tired. It really tires me out.
Me and Simona sing this song about once an hour at the moment when we're studying. This is really all I have room for right now.
Could I just sit here a while...know that there's nothing that I need to say....safe in the knowledge that you know my ways and love me completely...no need to hide a thing.
I want to go to church. I want to want to go to church.