Midnight

Yes, it is midnight and I should be sleeping but I am wide awake. I have been on the blogs, irritated by some, inspired by others. I read these blogs of these people who are just so self important, even though they try to come across humble, or maybe try to convince themselves they are humble. But it's all just rubbish, just clanging symbols, just a bunch of oneupmanship. And then I read my sisters blog, my big sister. Her blog is honest and real and authentic and empowering.

I love that word empowering. It's actually my favourite word at the moment. I'm all about empowerment. I am learning to let go of guilt and shame, because they are ungodly. I am learning to love myself and be at peace. I am learning to rest in Christ, who I can trust with all I am and all I have.

I have grown so much over the last few years. It might not show, but inside I am a woman now. I wrote this poem once:

I know who I am.
I am who I always wanted to be.

I was quite young at the time, that was almost 10 years ago. And then, after writing that in a moment of total clarity, it was all stolen, and also I let it be stolen.

But it's back you know.

I know who I am.
I am who I always wanted to be.

I am funny and thoughtful and strong and sensitive and powerful and unique and creative and hard working and smart and beautiful. Sometimes I see myself through my own eyes and I really love myself.

Oh I'm fallen alright, I'm fallen.

But I know that. I think in a weird way that shame is just a reflection of pride. when you allow yourself to feel shame you imply that you could possible be perfect. Well, I don't believe that for a second. I know I'm not perfect. I don't feel bad about that, if I did it would kind of be like feeling guilty about not being able to fly. I know that I sin, that I fall short, that I am human. God forgives. God accepts. God perfects. At the moment I see in part, but one day I will know in full, even as I am fully Known.

I'm free.

I know who I am.
I am who I always wanted to be.