I KNOW that my weight doesn't matter. Deep down, I really understand that it has no value. I know this because recently I had to draw a picture of my life in the future, of how I wanted it to be. And then I had to describe it in words. It came so easy to me, I already know how I want my life to be. And NOTHING that I said had anything to do with my weight or my looks. Nothing.
And yet, it hurts. It hurts that Simona is still so small and I am big again. It hurts that for a time I was normal, and now I'm fat again. It hurts to feel ugly and to feel impossibly repulsive. I feel like i look disgusting.
It hurts me so much, it makes me miserable.
The truth is, it fills me with dread. DREAD.
D R E A D
That is a good word to describe how I feel.
Why, it makes no sense. Since I know it doesn't have any value.
I decided to go to a new shop on Thursday and buy heaps of new clothes.
But tonight in the shower I looked down at my body and I realised that the clothes are not the problem, and they will not make me feel better.
So, I will not go and buy clothes.
But, fingers crossed, I will buy a kitten.
I'm starting something this week, it's very exciting. But scary, as all good things are.
And Simona got her dissertation mark back and she got an A+, which is freaking amazing. AMAZING.
And I am realising this week that I am so lucky, I have such good friends. Strictly speaking they should have written me off ages ago because I've been a terrible friend during the last year, especially. But no, I am lucky.