Friend or Foe

I KNOW that my weight doesn't matter.  Deep down, I really understand that it has no value.  I know this because recently I had to draw a picture of my life in the future, of how I wanted it to be.  And then I had to describe it in words.  It came so easy to me, I already know how I want my life to be.  And NOTHING that I said had anything to do with my weight or my looks.  Nothing.

And yet, it hurts.  It hurts that Simona is still so small and I am big again.  It hurts that for a time I was normal, and now I'm fat again.  It hurts to feel ugly and to feel impossibly repulsive.  I feel like i look disgusting.  

It hurts me so much, it makes me miserable.

The truth is, it fills me with dread.  DREAD.

D   R   E   A  D

That is a good word to describe how I feel. 

Why, it makes no sense.  Since I know it doesn't have any value.

I decided to go to a new shop on Thursday and buy heaps of new clothes.

But tonight in the shower I looked down at my body and I realised that the clothes are not the problem, and they will not make me feel better.

So, I will not go and buy clothes.

But, fingers crossed, I will buy a kitten.  

I'm starting something this week, it's very exciting.  But scary, as all good things are.

And Simona got her dissertation mark back and she got an A+, which is freaking amazing.  AMAZING.

And I am realising this week that I am so lucky, I have such good friends.  Strictly speaking they should have written me off ages ago because I've been a terrible friend during the last year, especially.  But no, I am lucky.