Word for the Day OR Insert Whinge Here.

Word for today would be defeated.  After such a cool day yesterday, today was such a downer.  Found work very difficult, felt fat and ugly (thanks PMT), then total fail at yoga.

Also, today marks the official end of Faux, a church thing I've been running for about a year.  To be fair, I've not been organising my way out of a box for a couple of months, but today was the nail in the coffin.

Felt okay about it this morning, but feel defeated tonight.

Sometimes it's too hard to keep ALL the balls in the air.

Feeling let down by life today.  Best go to bed and give it another go tomorrow.

So, it was my birthday

And it was a good one, thanks to good food, good friends, good family, good times. 

 

Today, I was happy, and perhaps a little silly.

29.

The Dog Days are Over!

Yes, the Big Black Dog has done gone and run away. Listening to new music from Florence and the Machine. She has this joyful, fabulous song called the Dog Days are Over, and it brings a smile to my face because I think, I hope, I now believe, that they actually are over, for now at least.

I have 'invented', accidentally of course, a new form of pray that is oh so working for me right now. I was at Paul and Annes for dinner on the weekend and gave grace - I just said "Dear Lord, Thanks for the Chinese food, Amen". The Sumo cracked up, because she thought I said "This is Chinese food". Well, it's kind of caught on, as a joke (i.e. "Dear Lord, This is Butterscotch Pudding, Amen").

But do you know? It kind of works for me. The Sumo and I were talking last night about how it is kind of like a prayer full of grace and faith - it just says, this is my issue, I bring it to you. Like:

"Dear Lord, This is my scary meeting, Amen".
"Dear Lord, These are my shinsplints, Amen".

No grovelling or begging, just some honesty and trust - He knows my needs.

I'm loving it!

Oh please Annie Rose

Please, I beg of you, fit this hat for me.

**Edit: She Fits It!  (Just)**

Winter, I love thee.

The Sumo!

She is back!  She is here!

My friend.

Aesthetically speaking...

I would have made a perfect renaissance woman.  I have fabulous curves.  No truly, I do.  I recently have looked at stick figure women and actually thanked God for my body, for my soft skin and my warm thighs.  Not to put too finer point on it, I think that potentially someone would really enjoy my body.

Simultaneously, I am fat.  I wobble.  I bulge.  I sag.  I oppose the conventional western ideal of beauty in every conceivable way.  This has a tendency to make me sad.

Because of these two different forces tugging on my self esteem, I veer between self love and self loathe.  

This is exacerbated by being surrounded by beautiful larger women.  I look at them and think 'fabulous'!  I think, 'Yes!  Big women are beautiful!'  Then, I hear them and they don't love their bodies. 

One of my new favorite bloggers is C Jane who lives here, among other places.  This blog of hers kind of inspired this one.  She is fantastically beautiful, I love looking at pictures of her.  She is flat out fantastic.  Why can't she love herself?

My point is this.  It is hard for me to love my body, when the women that I look like do not love their bodies.  I'd imagine then, that it is hard for other women to love their bodies, when I do not love mine.

If only, if only, I could break the cycle.  If only I could have enough courage to learn to love my body. Please God, give me the courage. 

From my desktop - to yours

See:

A new poem. And a new title for my poetry blog. Fun!

Winter on Old Harry...

The trees have lain aside their precious summer coats, they let us see their fine, rough skin.

Straight lines stand out, against Her curves

damp and cool, but still a hint of glamour

Dark pathways curve away through the bush...