Wednesday, June 24, 2009


Oh yes, lost.

Well, I'm busy knitting an entrelac hat, and it's coming along nicely!  Should finish it this weekend, so there'll be pics soon.

I had a totally insane week work wise, and I'm totally shattered.  I'm in that precarious place between hope and despair at the moment - hope is so fragile and scary, and I am not very brave.  But there's not much point without it, so I do what I can to be brave.

I have, for the first time in my 28 years, a double bed.  It's crazy, the room in that thing!  And my room finally looks like a grown-ups, rather than an over-grown child.

It's an interesting time for me at the moment, two good friends got engaged, lots of babies in my life.  It's very exciting and joyful, but be lying if I didn't admit that it raises some questions for me.

I'm not old, obviously, despite the horrified look I got from an 11 year old recently when I told her I was turning 30 next year.  There's plenty of time for marriage and babies.  However, when your peers start that process and it's no-where in sight for you, there is a grief.  I know that it might not ever happen for me, for whatever reason.  Maybe those moments wont be for me.  I am certain that whatever life I lead, it will be good and fulfilling and joy-full, but it might not have those joys.  It scares me, and it hurts me.  Part of me feels like I'm getting left behind.

I'm not moaning, honest, I know that I have lots of benefits that come with singleness (like spontaneous trips to Sydney, lots of shopping, no real need to be sensible with money) and I know I'll totally get over it.  And I'm absolutely definitely happy for my friends.

But honestly, it's scary when life turns out different to how you thought it would.


Iain said...

The point that you make about hope being fragile and scary is one that caused a spark of recognition in my mind.

Another of my friends wrote a blog post that I found to be enigmatic the other day:

She expresses much the same feelings, although in a way that she feels is quite hopeLESS and "dark" (hence the title). I couldn't quite put my finger on the loss that she was talking about, but I noticed while I was reading hers that she saw hope as a problem, a fault even, and that prudent resignation seemed to be the safe choice.

I find that sad. I find it sad that both of you would feel afraid to hope, each in your own way.
Life is there to be taken, grabbed, and run with. We should never be afraid to hope and to push forward and to achieve what we can in life.
Grieving something that you don't have is natural and good to recognise, I do it too, but we should never "putting up with things", and a sense of resignation should NEVER betray us into living a life that we don't deserve.

Iain said...

(added so i get email responses)

Sharyn said...

Yeah, I see what you mean and it's probably exactly what I would say to me. The thing is that hope IS scary, because it contains the possibility that thing wont work out how you'd hope. "A hope deferred makes the heart sick". I guess I'm kind of heart sick right now, so that makes me recognise how true that is and therefore how scary hope can be.

That being said, I do have hope that life will be good and that it will be what it's supposed to be.