Blogging with wireless

I have been using my lack of wireless internet as an excuse not to blog for the longest time.  Well, now I have wireless so I have no excuse.  So here I am.

I have been using moving as an excuse not to eat properly and make time for exercise.  Well now I'm moved, so I've got no excuse and it's time to start afresh (again).

The thing is, I've started afresh about 25 times when it comes to eating well and exercising.  It makes me not want to start again.  It's dis-couraging.  But I will take up my courage and start again because, in the end, what else can you do?  The only alternative is to quit and I know for sure that then I will just slowly deteriorate.  SO, onwards and upwards.

I read once this thing that there is a courage of happiness as well as a courage of sorrow.  I totally love that.  It's actually quite scary to be happy, because the happier you are the more you have to lose.  Like loving, when you experience joy you open yourself up to the possibility of pain.  

It's sometimes easy to stay in the sorrow place, because at the very least it is safe and predictable - better the devil you know.  But, of course, the better path is joy because I have no intention of living a life halfway.

I used to write a lot about being in a halfway happy place, but the last 5 years have been a focussed journey away from that place and into a place called Joy.

I think the place called Joy is whatever is after the birth that we call death, but I have been learning lately that we can bring heaven to earth same as we can bring hell to earth.

Well, heaven is on earth for me today.

Exultation

Today I could move mountains with my joy! 
Could drink the golden liquid of the sun 
Or stride the sky, or wilder means employ 
To shout aloud my gladness as I run. 
I am stretched out to endless space and time, 
There is no distance where I cannot be. 
The stars behind the starry fields sublime 
Are but the marrow and the flesh of me.

There is no measure made for me today! 
A universe has opened in my soul. 
I feel me not a part of worlds at play, 
But strangely and convincingly the whole. 
Who knows but some bright shaft from god's hand given 
Has split my mind and poured it full of heaven!

Dora Hagemeyer

Whingy moany whiney blog

Yes, I know it was.  Self-pity is my speciality.

BUT just to prove I'm not totally bereft of common-sense I have signed up for Weight Watchers to try and sort my self out.

Exciting.

(So I had chocolate fudge pudding for tea).

Friend or Foe

I KNOW that my weight doesn't matter.  Deep down, I really understand that it has no value.  I know this because recently I had to draw a picture of my life in the future, of how I wanted it to be.  And then I had to describe it in words.  It came so easy to me, I already know how I want my life to be.  And NOTHING that I said had anything to do with my weight or my looks.  Nothing.

And yet, it hurts.  It hurts that Simona is still so small and I am big again.  It hurts that for a time I was normal, and now I'm fat again.  It hurts to feel ugly and to feel impossibly repulsive.  I feel like i look disgusting.  

It hurts me so much, it makes me miserable.

The truth is, it fills me with dread.  DREAD.

D   R   E   A  D

That is a good word to describe how I feel. 

Why, it makes no sense.  Since I know it doesn't have any value.

I decided to go to a new shop on Thursday and buy heaps of new clothes.

But tonight in the shower I looked down at my body and I realised that the clothes are not the problem, and they will not make me feel better.

So, I will not go and buy clothes.

But, fingers crossed, I will buy a kitten.  

I'm starting something this week, it's very exciting.  But scary, as all good things are.

And Simona got her dissertation mark back and she got an A+, which is freaking amazing.  AMAZING.

And I am realising this week that I am so lucky, I have such good friends.  Strictly speaking they should have written me off ages ago because I've been a terrible friend during the last year, especially.  But no, I am lucky.

Bloggings

I'm sitting up later than I should, eking out the last of the warmth from the fire.  It feels like a satisfying day.  I got two consents finished up, actually answered some people's questions on the duty planner line, cooked a really yummy tea, washed the dishes and mastered the lace pattern on my latest scarf.  I know, it's not exactly the high life, but it is what I would like my life to look like.  If I'd done some yoga and been for a walk.  

I love yoga, I must do some properly soon. 

I need to go to bed...I will be so tired tomorrow.  I want to read my bible.

I've decided to start reading through Joshua.  I looked through my Bible to see where I last finished up and it was at the end of Deuteronomy, so Joshua is next.  I'm kind of exciting to see what I will discover.  One of the most eye opening seasons of reading the bible for me was my trip through the minor prophets.  It was like going on some archeological dig - there was all this rubble and then every now and then this amazing gem of a sentence or passage.  And the themes that came through of redemption and change were just fabulous.

Freaking fantastic.  Anyway, I had a similar experience in Deut. so I'm hoping to repeat in Joshua.

We'll see.

Love love love

I am in love with long weekends.  I'm in love with sleeping in.  I'm in love with doing nothing.  I'm in love with having enough money to have fun with.  I'm in love with listening to music (Dixie Chicks).  I'm in love with my Mac.  I'm in love with having an easy life.  I'm in love with having a good job to look forward to.  I'm in love with my life right now.  I'm in love with the One who takes care of me and in whom I live and breathe and have my being.  

I wrote this song a while back, still resonates:

Today I woke up far away from you

A stranger where such love had been before

And now it's all so broken, nothing works without you

Oh come to me and take me where you will

Past the heads, past the hills, past the soft places to fall

To the sea, where I'm with you and you're with me

It's not so complicated, just to be where you are.

I tried to find you, I still thought I could

But you're quiet and not easily swayed

You hid in all the places that I looked

Until I gave up

And you came and took me out

Out past the heads, past the hills,

Past the soft places to fall

Out to see, where I'm with you and you're with me

It's not so complicated, just to be, where you are.

I really love the way things sound.  I love at my job, the plastic packets that all the consents come in because of the way they sound when you handle them.  I buy earrings and necklaces as much by the way they sound as the way they look.  I wanted to be a check out chick because I like the sound of the beep when they scan something.  I love my Mac because of the sound the keys make when I type.

The funny thing is, that I'm deaf in one ear.  I'm deaf, and I like sound.  But I'm a singer and I'm obsessed with harmonies so I guess it does make sense.  Oh and I write a lot of poetry and poetry is almost entirely about sound.

Anyway, whatever.

Tears

Hysterical

Besties

My very best friend in the whole world, Simona, went away for three whole weeks recently and I missed her like crazy.  We've been best friends for something like five years now, and we became close during one of the most difficult times in my life.

But it's such a catch 22, once you start denying that you're gay, you seem so much more gay.  It is funny.  I just don't care now.  If people think we're gay I have no problem with that.  I guess it could be difficult for any future man I am involved with, maybe could raise questions for him if people maybe thought I was like trying not to be gay or something.  It's such a hypothetical it's not worth thinking or worrying about.

I feel so lucky that I am not lonely, I know that lots of single people are.  I guess there are two things that make singleness difficult for me, firstly the longing for masculine physical touch (which is the best way I can describe the deep longing I occasionally experience) and the second would be commitment.  Simona and I are best friends and have been for five years and I imagine we always will be.  But we never commit to that, nor should or could we.  When you marry someone you make promises, but I don't think it's right to limit anyone else's freedom like that.  So there's a certain insecurity that you always have as a single person, that you are always alone in a sense that you aren't when you're married.  I live with the constant knowledge that it is likely Simona will marry and I may not, that I may end up being alone in a more poignant way than I am now.  It's not painful, it's just a somewhat unsettling knowledge that drives me closer to God and is therefore incredibly significant.

Having a friend like Simona is a revelation.  It is so amazing to find a friend who is so like you and yet so unlike you.  It is the best thing to have someone in your life who you don't have to filter for.  I am so freaking lucky.

We have had a really rough couple of years in terms of stress through study and it's put a huge strain on our friendship.  Especially last year.  There were times last year when I wondered, and I know Simona did, whether our friendship would actually survive.  Communication is the absolute key to any relationship and it's the hardest thing to do sometimes.  When you feel at your lowest ebb and you have no resource left, it's very hard to be emotionally rational and to care more for others than for self.  Love is hard work sometimes.

It's so nice now to have a bit more of a normal life and to see our friendship kind of blossom again as we remember all the great things we have in common and all the values and dreams that we share.  It's so nice also to have room in myself again to have normal relationships with my other friends.  I am really lucky to have some really special friendships and they have all suffered over the last two years.  I feel so excited about spending time with those people and reconnecting.  

I feel more ready to emerge from the hermitage.

This is my very first blog from my brand new Macbook.  It's so flash!  Gah, it's so nice.  Weird getting used to a new system you know, but I'm starting to find my way around kind of.  

Life is so good at the moment, but even when life is good there's always the constant background of 'stuff' that goes on all the time.  You know, the old hurts or traumas, the frustrations, the un-forgiveness, the run of the mill, day to day things that just kind of have to be maintained or something.  And of course all the family and friend 'issues' that you have to work at, that never get better really or worse, but just travel the same well worn paths over and over.

Church is a big one for me.  I just, I don't know.  I left my old church quite a while back in reality, and relatively recently in theory.  I don't know where to go from here. I'd like to be all PC and go to a local church but, frankly, I'm bored at those churches.  I just feel lost.  Honestly, I don't want to go to church at all.  Well, that's not strictly true, I want to go to church, I just don't want to belong or commit to a church.  In all honesty I'm scared.  I've had my hopes up and been disillusioned a number of time by churches, which is ridiculous I know, but nevertheless true.  I feel, well not exactly jaded, just a bit vulnerable and damaged I guess.

It's rough because I always thought of myself as a big church goer.  I think church is really important, I think it's important to be reminded every sunday or whatever, how important this relationship is.  I just, I just don't know what to do or where to go from here.

I feel a bit lost.  A bit, I don't know, adrift or something.  A bit uneasy and afraid.

Vulnerable.

But, you know, happy etc.  

Nasty sins

I think pride is the nastiest of all sins. It's certianly one I struggle with all the time. And when I say that, I realise how utterly ridiculous it is that I ever even cling to the smallest shred of pride.

I am utterly berift of any ability to do the things I want to do, or to prevent myself doing the things i don't want to do, as Paul so neatly pointed out. I think only I know how actually crap I am.

That doesn't engender any guilt or shame in me, but it is a startling revelation nonetheless. I mean, human = crap in general, so I guess it just makes me human!

I just, I hate pride, I hate cynicism. It makes me sick. I hate it because I am proud and cycnical. Which is ridiculous.

But the thing that I love about Christ and Christianity, above all other things, is grace. Grace is not just the antithesis of pride and cynicism, it's actually the antidote. When you experiance, when I experiance grace, pride and cynicism become utterly irrelevant.

Grace is the very best thing that exists in the world, aside perhaps from love. Grace is everything. Grace is the full stop and capital letter of every sentence.

Grace is. Everyday. Every day.

I think i blog because i'm lonely

But I'm not really lonely. I really miss Sumo. And I really miss Alfie (the cat).

But I LOVE my job. Got my first consents to do today, so exciting. I feel like I'm going to be really good at this job. Very great feeling. Terribly difficult though, walking the line between confidence and over confidence. I'm nervous of crossing it without realising, one way or the other.

Scary.

Life is so good right now, it is amazing. It does make me nervous though. Life has been good but difficult for so long, it's weird to have life be good and easy. Makes me wonder what is about to happen! Maybe it's just a new phase.

Oh gotta go watch Lost.

First night of freedom.

Made dinner and did the dishes.

Knitted maybe 10 rows.

Watched tele.

Helped Juls study for her test.

Played on the Internet.

Thought about: what do I want my life to look like now? (I'm becoming a Planner!)

Check these out, these are gorgeous: here.

Hat tip: here.

The big news is:

Today I handed in my Dissertation - all 31 872 words on 97 pages of it.

I kind over overshot the mark somewhat.

I'm stoked with it, I worked so hard and I'm pleased with the work.

I cannot, cannot, cannot believe that I am actually finished and my life is my own again.

It's so freaken' weird.

I'm free! And I'm knitting. Tonight I went to my friend's house, and we sat on the couch and knitted and watched season 1 of the West Wing. (I've seen it like fifty times, still love it).

It was the best.

I'm actually free. Bizzare.

I'm so incredibly emotional at the moment, it's quite ridiculous.

But, I actually like it.

Moons and moons ago, when I was but 16 tender years old, I realised that I'd really shut my emotions down entirely. I had been terribly hurt by this one particular person and I couldn't bear it so I just decided I wouldn't feel it. I actually remember the moment, so weird.

Anyways, I started to recognise that I didn't respond in emotionally appropriate ways anymore, flat out freaked me out.

So the upshot was I talked to God about it and there was this verse God gave me in Ezekial - it said: I will take away your hard of stone and give you a heart of flesh, and I will put my spirit in you.

Well, it was just so for me in that particular moment. Just like always, it wasn't instant, it took many years actually - perhaps all the years between then and now (all 12 of them), of just slowly opening up and softening up. I kind of feel that I'm really starting to be sort of normal emotionally. Like I cried when my cat was put down and I cried when Simona left for Indo. Normal kind of reactions.

Felt FANTASTIC.

Feel like I've got that heart of flesh back. Feel like maybe I've come full circle in some way.

It's good, very good.

Plus now I can play my guitar, do puzzles, knit and play playstation again.

YES!

Joy

Today you came and walked with me
beside the river.

You walked beside me
and
it made me weep.

ipod

Oh I do love my ipod.

Wow I'm extremely tired right now, such a familier feeling. I've stayed up so many nights writing assignments, and you just get to this point where you're so tired your tongue is numb. You can't type. You misspell everything.

I am at that point.

I'm SO tired.

BUT the good news is I've basically finished my dissertation, apart from a lot of fixing and possibly hours worth of formating. So exciting.

Bad news is, I had to put my cat down. Wept tears.

Good news, my car got a warrent no problem, so it's finally legal again (don't tell Dad).

Bad news, my cousin is dying of cancer. (But I don't really know her, so can't claim any real loss for myself, just a sad thing)

Good news, amazing news, is one of my good friend's brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, had til Christmas, is still alive and actually had his first scan in six months and is essentially cancer free. Doctors amazed. When i heard me and Simona had the most powerful sense, each individually, that we should pray for healing for him. We really felt he would be healed. So we prayed, and then the burden left us....and oh my goodness he's healed. AMAZING. I love it. I know you could explain it away, but hey, I believe it.

Bad news is, I'm so tired.

Good news is...I can go to sleep content that I've done heaps of work.

I love my ipod.

And odd ends and bits

I'm sitting on Simona's bed, with Simona and Jules, working on my dissertation. Well, not working on my dissertation. This week, we have to put our cat down, it's so sad. But I've really been learning a lot about coping with tough stuff. I think the best thing is to tell it to God, to give it to God and then to focus on all the good things. To distract your mind. I'm becoming rather good at it.

It's not so much about surpressing thoughts, because of course that's totally futile. It's about surrender and submission, and then just taking another path in your mind.

I'm having a God is so good phase.

Here's another piece:

That's it.
You're too good.
Your love is too good.

I feel like a pool of nothing in your enormous something.

But I'm not
I'm something to you.


-ooOOoo-

That's how I'm feeling right now. God is so good.

Plus I've been thinking about vegetarianism. The problem is, I really love meat. Don't know what to think about it.

Midnight

Yes, it is midnight and I should be sleeping but I am wide awake. I have been on the blogs, irritated by some, inspired by others. I read these blogs of these people who are just so self important, even though they try to come across humble, or maybe try to convince themselves they are humble. But it's all just rubbish, just clanging symbols, just a bunch of oneupmanship. And then I read my sisters blog, my big sister. Her blog is honest and real and authentic and empowering.

I love that word empowering. It's actually my favourite word at the moment. I'm all about empowerment. I am learning to let go of guilt and shame, because they are ungodly. I am learning to love myself and be at peace. I am learning to rest in Christ, who I can trust with all I am and all I have.

I have grown so much over the last few years. It might not show, but inside I am a woman now. I wrote this poem once:

I know who I am.
I am who I always wanted to be.

I was quite young at the time, that was almost 10 years ago. And then, after writing that in a moment of total clarity, it was all stolen, and also I let it be stolen.

But it's back you know.

I know who I am.
I am who I always wanted to be.

I am funny and thoughtful and strong and sensitive and powerful and unique and creative and hard working and smart and beautiful. Sometimes I see myself through my own eyes and I really love myself.

Oh I'm fallen alright, I'm fallen.

But I know that. I think in a weird way that shame is just a reflection of pride. when you allow yourself to feel shame you imply that you could possible be perfect. Well, I don't believe that for a second. I know I'm not perfect. I don't feel bad about that, if I did it would kind of be like feeling guilty about not being able to fly. I know that I sin, that I fall short, that I am human. God forgives. God accepts. God perfects. At the moment I see in part, but one day I will know in full, even as I am fully Known.

I'm free.

I know who I am.
I am who I always wanted to be.

For Brenna: Your Next Clue:

"And his black and white cat"...

Update

Well, Debs (Hi Deb!) commented on my last blog, asking if I'd gone back to church yet. Well, I hadn't really stopped going to church, just gone less frequently and with less enthusiasm. However, I have been going back to church more often of late. In Tonga I went to church a couple of times, and even though I really couldn't understand any of the services, for some reason they really made me want to go back to church when I got back. So far it's been good. I have some REALLY good friends at my church, and I love seeing them. The worship music is awesome and I've really been enjoying it. It's nice to make space like that in my week just to spend with God and other Christians. I feel good that I've been going. Everything I said in my last post is really still true, except since then I've found that my other friends at church feel somewhat the same way. I don't know, it makes me feel better.

I'm exhausted. Just totally exhausted. Studying is so hard, keeping everything together is so hard. My resources are really stretched to breaking point. I had to cut down my hours so now I've even less money than before. I'm broke, tired, sick and overworked. But going to church makes me feel better now, so that's good.

Ah consumerism. It's what gets me through.

I honestly dont know if I'm going to publish or not

Although now I suspect I will.

I am totally at sea about church. I really feel totally lost. I've been maybe 5 or six times this year. Maybe more. Maybe more like 10-15. I love Elim. It was the first place I went that I wanted to belong to. I really did. There are such great people there. I want them to like me so much it hurts.

But I have changed so much sometimes I barely recognise myself. I was obssessed with church and serving God. I never missed a service. I loved doing youth stuff, I loved going to church. Then it all came crashing down in a way that makes me feel physically sick to remember. I remember when it finally broke me, when I stood with Amy in a toilet cubicle, sobbing, because Alan had resigned. It really broke me.

And it changed me too. I can't get attached. I wandered around churches for a while which was so healing for me. Then I went to Elim and I wanted to settle down, to start to belong. But I've just never gotten in. I have some REALLY good friends at Elim. Helen is one of the coolest people I ever met. But I still feel on the outside. It's really my fault maybe because my attendance has been so sporadic. But sometimes I think its more. Maybe they feel like I look down my nose because I'm educated or something. Maybe I do! Maybe I'm too liberal, too feminist. I don't know.

I love the Pentecostal church. I really can't imagine going to back to the Baptists or any other denomination. I really love the passion, I sense the rightness of the acceptance of the gifts of the Spirit, of the way the Pentecostal church worships the Spirit. Other churches seem boring to me, I can't connect, they seem superficial. I'm not saying they are, I'm just saying...well that I'm a pentecostal at heart. I like happy clappy. I like half decent music. I like passion and I like it simple.

But I hate the prosperity doctrine and I voted for the Greens. I supported the so-called 'anti-smacking' bill. I supported the civil union bill. I do oppose abortion and I'm definitely not keen on the prostitution reform bill. GAH!!! Where oh where will I ever fit?

It scares me, it really does. I feel kind of lost, adrift on a sea of uncertianty. I believe in The Church. I believe it's important for me to be a part of it. But, right now, even when I do have time and I'm not writing 8000 words on Monitoring and Evaluation until 3:00 in the morning on a Sunday night, even then I still don't to go to church. Because it makes me tired. It really tires me out.

Me and Simona sing this song about once an hour at the moment when we're studying. This is really all I have room for right now.

Could I just sit here a while...know that there's nothing that I need to say....safe in the knowledge that you know my ways and love me completely...no need to hide a thing.

I want to go to church. I want to want to go to church.

Recipe

Fish and Chips, with Coleslaw (for two)

400 grams of fresh, skinned Hoki fillet
1 Heaped Tablespoon Flour
About 1 Teaspoon All Purpose Seasoning
1 Table Spoon Garlic Margarine (Optional)

400 grams Birds Eye Shoe String Chips (The Lightest and So YUMMY).

Red Cabbage
Normal Cabbage (does it have a name?)
Carrot
Red Onion
Light Coleslaw Dressing (Signature Range is effectively free)

Preheat oven to 230C. Lay out chips in single layer. Cook for approximately 10-15min til brown. Turn once while cooking if you can be bothered.

Mix flour and seasoning. Rub onto one side of fish. Melt Garlic Margarine (or use spray oil) in large frying pan, set to a medium-high heat. When hot, lay fish seasoning side down in pan. Cover and cook until the fish begins to break apart. NOTE: don't turn the fish over, it will fall apart. Not turning the fish cooks it perfectly and means it's lovely and brown on one side. For the last few minutes, turn the frypan up to high if you like your fish a bit crispy.

Whilst cooking, finely cut cabbage, grate carrot and cut the red onion very fine. Mix and add a heaped tablespoon of dressing (to your liking).

Total points: 6.5